Erin McConnell

Cameron's video

2010-11-17T16:34:00.000-08:00

Below is a link to a video I made of Cameron. It's my first experiment with iMovie. Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swAwyyrHsvE

October

2010-11-16T15:24:00.000-08:00

Below are some photos from recent fall activities. As I posted recently, our fall came late this year, but we are fully into the cold months now. We've had a dusting of snow three days this week.

Back when we were wearing T-shirts to paint pumpkins for Halloween.

A scenic photo of my evening exploring Phoenix after a day of training.

The boys on Halloween. This picture epitomizes the boys' experiences--Cameron was wide-eyed and a little unsure most of the time but loved the candy, and Carter loved every minute of it.

I also just figured out how to upload movies, so here's one from the Halloween with Horses event we went to recently.

Fall

2010-10-24T16:16:00.000-07:00

Fall seems to have come late this year. We were wearing shorts until about a week ago. Cool nights, warm days, the weather couldn't be more perfect. But I've known fall is just one frosty night away. I just returned from a business trip in Arizona on Friday, and I had to brace myself for the Colorado fall weather that I knew had arrived in my absence.

I usually love the changing of the seasons and everything that comes with each one, but for some reason, I wasn't quite ready this year. Maybe it's because summer days with kids that are old enough to somewhat entertain themselves really have become lazy again. Maybe it's because our summer didn't really start until June this year.

As my plane landed Friday night, I found myself wondering what I would even do this weekend with the kids if I didn't have the option of all day outside. A friend invited us Saturday morning to a craft fair and then to play in the park, and I was pleasantly surprised by the cool, refreshing, still enjoyable weather. But I still wasn't sold on fall.

I happened to have a bunch of ripe bananas, so while Cameron napped, Carter and I made banana bread. And then I had some fall leaf cookie cutters, so we made cut-out cookies. And then I was inspired to make a Thai chicken oven dish. And then I remembered fall.

Fall is the time I turn my internal speed from manic-paced to slightly slower. The early darkness gives me permission to stay inside and cook or work on projects, or on a rare occasion, just be. I actually enjoy time indoors and look forward to the warmth that cooking brings to our house. Our family spends more time closer together, rolling on the floor in tickle matches and snuggling on the couch.

On our first rainy morning last week, Carter looked outside and said, "Mom, I just love rainy days. They feel so snuggly. Today let's go for a rain walk, drink hot cocoa, and bake cookies." Apparently Carter remembered more quickly than me that we enjoy the change of seasons for a reason.

Right now I have homemade chai simmering, Moroccan meatballs sizzling, and naan rising. The kids are in the bath in preparation for family movie night. As I look out the kitchen windows, more trees than not are a golden yellow or orange. The cloudy sky behind them just makes the sun-kissed leaves that much more brilliant.

Fall is here, and I'm finally ready.

Gratitude

2010-08-06T20:15:00.000-07:00

I have this amazing friend. We met in New Zealand ten years ago when we were studying abroad, lost touch, and then found each other again when she moved to Boulder, less than an hour from my house. Small world. She's one of those few people with whom I can be completely myself. I like who I am with her because I feel like I'm really me.

But here's the other great thing about her: we have these amazing conversations where I tell her stories about what's going on in my life, and she has this way of just looking at me that causes me to not only tell the story, but also my reflection on the story, things I didn't even know I thought. And as she somehow calls all of these deeper thoughts out of me about my relationships or past or whatever, I'll say something positive about someone else, and she'll ask, "Have you told her that?"

The answer is almost always "no" because I had never fully formed the thought until I took the time to really tell the story out loud to her and create my opinions as I spoke. And I walk away from our time together not only completely fulfilled and somehow unburdened by saying much of my "unspeakable" thoughts, but also with a new appreciation for what I have and had never stopped to recognize it.

Here's what I mean, for example. As I mentioned in my last post, I went to a wedding a few weeks ago, and Laura watched the kids. That's the story. But here's what Kim helped me realize...I have this amazing sister who has become this selfless, giving, loving, helpful person. After my family and I had driven 9 hours from NC to NJ, I had forgotten to go to the store for some important things I needed the next day. The last thing I wanted to do was drive around in a city I didn't know with a tired family looking for some pretty random stuff. Laura, without hesitating, offered to stop at the store and get what I needed. She then took care of the kids that night while we went to the rehearsal dinner, stayed at the hotel with us, and then watched the kids the next day while we went to the wedding.

But it's not like she just hung out at the hotel and watched TV with the kids while we were at the wedding. No. She had to check out of the hotel with 2 little kids in tow, drive our Suburban (no easy task for someone who doesn't usually drive) and entertain the kids "around town" while we were at the wedding. She eventually ended up sneaking into the hotel where the wedding was and took the kids to the pool to cool off because, oh yeah, it was 100 degrees outside. And she did it all with a smile.

Like anyone with a sibling close in age, growing up, Laura and I had our standard squabbles over whose turn it was to feed the dog, take out the trash, or clean up the toys. We labeled everything so no one was mistaken whose tube of lip gloss it might be. We were sure things we shared were split down to the molecule.

This was not the same sister I saw a few weeks ago. She just helped, and offered, and pitched in, and played with the kids, and gave and gave and gave. There was no splitting up of tasks or making sure we were doing the same amount of chores. She was just there to do what was needed and more. I had one of those moments where you've known someone your whole life, but all of a sudden, you see them in a different light and have a completely new appreciation for that person.

Thank you Laura. And thank you Kim for making me realize how lucky I am.

Laura and me, biking in Steamboat Springs

Laura with the boys, out on a pontoon boat

Beauty with Age

2010-08-01T13:37:00.001-07:00

This summer we've had lots of adventures, including a weeklong family camping/scouting trip, and week in Steamboat Springs with my parents and sister, and three weeks on the road to the east coast and back. But honestly, I don't enjoy writing recap posts (although I love reading others'!), so don't hope for one here. I get the most fulfillment writing about reflections on these journeys, rather than just retelling the events.

These thoughts came at my friend Evie's wedding where I got to see many friends and Evie's relatives that I haven't seen for many years. Apart from thoroughly enjoying my time with everyone, I came to really appreciate what age does to people. I know, not everyone ages gracefully, and there are parts of me that I know are worse off as the years have passed. BUT, by and large, the people I saw a few weeks ago all looked amazing. Not exactly the same, not like they hadn't lived since I'd last seen them, but it was astonishing to me just how great people looked.

Perhaps it's the way we hold ourselves as we age, with more confidence, less stress, more grace somehow. With very few exceptions, we seem to look more comfortable in our own skin and just care less about what others think. This radiates through and overshadows any wrinkles, age spots, sagging parts. This positive change becomes what is noticed, and despite what all the ads for skin creams and laser treatments would like us to believe, there is undoubtedly something that people gain for the better as they age.

Evie's mom, (I hope she doesn't mind my mentioning her), looked absolutely fabulous. She had a very flattering haircut, and she radiated confidence and pure joy for the day. But even if I had seen her on an occasion that hadn't been her daughter's wedding, I think her beauty would have still been as noticeable and remarkable.

I have found myself more willing to accept some of the less desireable changes that have occurred over the past few years and have tried to focus on the positive changes. I don't think all the compliments at the wedding were just lip service. I've tried to take them to heart and recognize how age can improve more than just wine.

(Somehow I messed up the html code and can't get back the picture I deleted of my friends and me. I'll try to add it to another post later.)

The Clubhouse

2010-05-12T18:42:00.000-07:00

So, Cameron turned 2 a couple weeks ago. We (and Mark's parents who were visiting) thought rather than clutter up the house with more toys, we'd like some materials for a clubhouse. And so the project began...

So far it's got a sandbox, a catwalk, a slide, and some windows. The roof is still to come, and there are future plans of climbing holds and a trap door.

The boys love it, and it feels like the size of our yard has doubled.

We're all looking forward to summer and some warmer weather. Right now we're looking out the window and watching large snowflakes fall. It isn't really the middle of May, is it?

Life Lists

2010-03-14T16:49:00.000-07:00

So, it's been awhile. A long time from since the last post. My internal windvane has gone through wide vascillations and changeable puffs, but for the last month or so, it seems to have finally found a steady wind that points toward contentment, release, fulfillment.

One noteworthy event is my acceptance into graduate school. It's a program through Regis with a master's in professional leadership and a principal's license. I've always wanted to get my master's and the last couple years I've been clear about what I'd want to focus on, but it didn't quite seem to fit into life. Now Cameron is almost 2 years old (!) and we're all feeling a bit more like ourselves. The right program finally came along, so I jumped at it. It will definitely be a commitment on top of working full time and raising two kids, but I'm usually pretty good at finding balance. I'll truly have my skills tested over the next two years.

This weekend we also bought a new vehicle, more like a gigantic transporter that incomprehensibly falls into the category of "cars". Our Jeep has been dying a slow, painful death over the past couple years, and it finally failed an emissions test. It was somewhat of a relief for us because we now can unguiltily say goodbye and move on. Say hello to our new Suburban. Mark has always dreamed of such a car, and after surprisingly little debate (I tried not to have too much of an opinion), we found what we were looking for and brought it home yesterday.

We took it for its inaugural drive today up to go skiing with Carter. For his first time. I could barely contain myself. Ever since Carter was born I have dreamed of taking him skiing, but for one reason or another, we haven't made it up to the mountain. Today was finally the day. We rented Carter what he referred to as "crazy boots" (typically rigid ski boots) and skis, and headed up to a resort that had a magic carpet. He loved it and did awesome. The whole drive up he kept telling us he was a little nervous, but after two laps down the hill (more like a very small incline), he told me he could do it by himself, and that I needed to give him some space. He's beginning to get the "pizza pie" and we tried turning a few times. He finally tired out, but he's excited to go again, and that's all I wanted from the day...for him to want to go again.

Between Mark and me, we've been able to check of three things on our life lists--grad school, suburban, skiing with Carter. Not bad for only a couple months' time.

I've also included a picture of Cameron below just because I can't get enough of him. Everything he does makes my heart melt. And he's got an amazing sense of humor. He keeps Mark and me laughing.

Blissful

2010-01-10T14:44:00.000-08:00

9 months ago in Washington near Mt. Baker--Another day of bliss

Remember my last post about my internal schizophrenia? Right now, I'm having a moment of pure fulfillment. Today I woke up to a day forecasted to be 50 degrees with cloudless skies. I met a friend and we went snowshoeing in sparkling snow among beautiful evergreens under a deep blue sky.

Fast forward four hours, and I've just finished a luxurious bath and have had some time to read a thought-provoking book while smelling ribs in the slow cooker that Mark made. The kids sleep quietly in their room. I look around me and feel the bounty in this life I live. I feel almost gluttonous for enjoying such a self-indulgent day.

It's days like this that make me thankful for how fortunate I am. I find joy in the smallest details of life, and the snowball effect occurs; the more I appreciate, the more I notice, and the more I see, the more I am in awe of all I do have in my life.

May you find a moment to be thankful for those small things that make your life great.

Wordless

2010-01-02T20:41:00.000-08:00

Icicles in Rocky Mountain National Park

Reading this post, I felt a moment of courage to be as honest, as open. Although my current feelings of being pulled in two directions stem from very different reasons than Jen's, I was somehow comforted by the feeling of a kindred spirit out there. Right now I feel I am living a life of dichotomous emotions. A sort of internal schizophrenia that leaves me exhausted. One moment I feel full to the brim with blessings, and the next I am empty and parched.

I am so muddled right now that I have no words to explain for others. Unlike times when I feel wronged and am eager to relay my story and rally support, now I find myself quiet and reluctant to seek solace in friends. This process is so different from other times in my life, it is so very internal and personal.

What I do know is I have fortitude. I can endure and prevail stronger than I started. I am in the fog with little direction, but I have the resources to find my way out. As with any journey, I remind myself to rely on patience, intuition, experience. Breathe and go slow.

I attempt in writing this to gain strength in honesty and sharing. Reality can seem less harsh once it is out there, and the universe doesn't come crashing down. Perhaps I can help another person out there not feel so alone.

Havasupai

2009-11-01T17:39:00.000-08:00

This fall break a friend and I (along with her mom and her mom's friend) took a 6 day trip (that's right, with no kids!) backpacking down Havasupai Canyon near the Grand Canyon. It was quite a journey to get there (2 nights and 17 hours in the car later), we finally got to the trailhead and backpacked down 8 miles. In the canyon live the Havasupai tribe, Native Americans that were forced to live on the "reservation" created in the canyon for the last 130 or so years. There are no roads, so everything that enters and exits the canyon does so by foot, mule, or helicopter. It was quite an experience to see the people's way of life at the bottom of the canyon. Our main reason for going, though, were the AMAZING waterfalls.

For our trip I got to be just me, not mommy, wife, career lady, or house cleaner. That's the longest I've been away from my kids and family, ever. The first couple days were hard, but I finally found my rhythm and was able to let go of thoughts of home and to-do lists and worries. I was able to totally live in the present and simply observe the scenery around me, listen to the sounds of our feet walking, and worry only about blisters.

When I got back home, Mark asked me what the best part of my trip was. I responded, "The waterfalls and a renewed love of backpacking." I've found myself at the library perusing the backpacking Colorado books and other adventure travel writing. That is the thing that has been hardest for me since we've had kids--any sort of extensive adventurous travel is essentially out of the question right now. The kids just aren't old enough to walk far, to endure long plane rides, to wait for hours in a train station, to eat new foods. And I can't leave the kids for weeks on end while I leave to galavant around the world or in the backcountry. I find myself constantly pondering how I might make it work with two little ones and realize over and over that it's just not something that will work right now. That I need to hold onto, but push pause on, those dreams for a little while, until I can leave the kids for longer or bring them along...but I digress.

Below are some pictures that do no justice to the amazing scenes we saw on our trip. The weather was beautiful the whole time except when we were hoping to swim in the waterfalls. The landscape was just so dramatic because of the contrast of colors--red rocks, green plants, and blue water and sky. It was as if I just couldn't take in enough of it.

Fall Fun in Colorado

2009-10-11T18:39:00.000-07:00

One thing I love about fall in Colorado is the weather. One minute it's warm and sunny, and the next it feels like winter. It keeps me on my toes, and I never get bored. This weekend we had just such weather. Below are pictures from Friday afternoon, and then Saturday morning. As usual, I'm behind the camera.

Carter said he wanted to jump in a pile of leaves, and since we cut down our big tree in our front yard last year, we had to go to a neighbor's house to offer to rake their leaves so we could jump in them. Carter loved it. Cameron wasn't so sure about the whole thing.

Saturday morning, about 15 hours later, we woke up to a bit of snow. Carter immediately wanted to go sledding. I had to convince him that there wasn't quite enough for that, but that we could still get all our snow clothes on and go play. It was all followed by hot chocolate, of course.

I wonder what this week will bring.

Wow, it's been awhile . . .

2009-10-03T06:16:00.000-07:00

. . . since I last posted. Work is in full swing and I've had a birthday. Yep, no longer a twenty-something as my profile used to say. Carter has started preschool and Cameron's got all sorts of new tricks. Below are some photos to get us all back up to date. The pictures are in reverse order because of the way I uploaded them. Think of it as going back in time.

My family came to visit for my 30th birthday, and we went on a hike to see the beautiful aspens in the mountains. Carter finally likes smiling for the camera.

The trees were absolutely gorgeous. And not a cloud in the sky.

"Papa" and Carter found every rock they could to jump off of.

For my dad's birthday, Laura and I took him fishing. Laura even caught a fish that we ate for dinner.

Carter had his very own fishing pole, but instead of a hook on the end, he had a rubber worm. He loved it.

Laura and Carter had some good bonding time over rootbeer.

A couple weeks ago we found a new climbing spot with no approach. It was a beautiful day. Here Mark's attempting a 5.11. It was a bit tough.

We went to an end-of-summer festival at a local park and we got to walk around the hot air balloons they were inflating. Carter and Cameron loved how big they were.

At the end of summer we found a great park that had fountains the kids could play in. Cameron was a little tentative, but Carter loved stepping on the spraying water.

Over Labor Day weekend a good friend from high school, Nicole, came to visit. Her whole family came out, and we went on a hike in Evergreen. It sprinkled just a bit, but the weather held out pretty well.

The bike trailer that sits under our deck has become a favorite place for the two boys to play.

Does this picture just make you cringe? Amazingly, no one got konked on the head.

At the end of August we took a family camping trip to a place we'd never been before.

Cameron loved sitting in the big camp chairs.

Carter liked playing in the tent.

Carter's first day of preschool. He wasn't much in the mood for picture-taking. He goes right down the hall from where I work. My favorite part of the day is when his class walks by my class on their way to recess, and Carter peeks his head in to say hi.

Trip to the Outer Banks

2009-08-23T05:55:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I haven't posted since July. Time has slipped away since I've returned to work. It's taken me awhile to finally get all the pictures together from our trip to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Mark's family and lots of relatives rented a house in Northern Shores, so we spent the week showing the boys what it meant to go on a beach vacation. They both loved it, of course. Below are some pictures from our trip.

We drove north a bit to see the wild horses on the beach. It's amazing how close they came.

Cameron often ended up naked by the end of our beach time so we could get all the sand out of everywhere.

Carter and Mark loved chasing the waves.

Cameron helped us bury Carter in the sand.

Carter and I chased the edge of the water.

Mark tried to ride some waves on the boogy board.

Cameron loved to watch us play wii and stole the remote when he could. Since then, we've gotten our own wii and play it almost every night.

In the evenings we played corn hole, and Carter liked to watch from the back of Brian's truck.

Here's the whole lot of us that spent the week together. The kids loved having people everywhere to play with them.

Home

2009-07-28T20:24:00.000-07:00

(The view of the sunset out our front door)

After a lovely week at the Outer Banks of North Carolina, our family is home and beginning to find the rhythm of regular life again. Although I would love to share our adventures of the trip, I accidentally left my camera in my brother-in-law's car, so I'll save my stories and pictures for another post. For now, a few thoughts on coming home.

I lived on the East coast for a good 12 or so years, if you count my time in Nashville, so I know humidity. But having now lived in Colorado for the past 7, I know it doesn't suit me. Mark and I found ourselves commenting more than once on the way back home how much we were looking forward to returning to our dry Colorado air. And that's when I was reminded how much I really love where I live.

I know that dry air doesn't sound like much to those of you who've never been here during the summer, but it's amazing. It's a cool 65 or so degrees in the morning. And the sky is amazing because it's just so blue. The day slowly heats up and you can begin to shed your morning layers (yes, we wear layers even in summer) as the sun peaks and heats the earth. Swimming is delightful because the water cools your skin so quickly as it evaporates in the dry air.

And then there are the evenings. Bugs are hard to come by, sunsets are always amazing because of the lingering clouds from the frequent afternoon cloud bursts, and the chimenea calls your name as the air cools once again to that temperature that is just chilled enough to make you want to cuddle.

It's these things I looked forward to as our plane headed towards Denver. But not only the weather. Also the sense of home. A place where all our family comes together to be with each other. To find space together and apart. To come and go and pass one another in these familiar rooms and hallways. Where we brush up against each other as we move, as we have a thousand times before.

Familiarity can become mundane at times, but after a trip, it's comforting, like a blanket from your childhood. It makes you appreciate what you have and be thankful that, even after a wonderful trip, you want to come back home.

Summer Photos

2009-07-08T17:45:00.000-07:00

There's lots to tell of this summer, but right now I'm only up for posting photos. These hot days leave me little energy to write and reflect. Instead, enjoy the pictures of the kids enjoying the lazy days of summer.

Cameron began walking the first few days of June. Here's a short video of him showing off his new skill a month ago. It's amazing that he now can almost run. He's really motivated to keep up with Carter.

Carter has loved all the time we've spent at parks. This is one of our favorites by our neighborhood library. Carter and Cameron on our front walkway, waiting for daddy to come home.

Carter loves the splash parks we've discovered this summer. He was hesitant at first but then he realized how fun it is to run through the squirting fountains.

Cameron found his own version of water play--drinking the dog water.

Cameron loves being so much more mobile. Here, he's running from Carter who loves to play chase.

While Mark and I were climbing, Carter pretended he was a squirrel in a tree. I love this picture.

That's all for now. I'll upload some more soon. We've got our trip to North Carolina coming up soon, so I'll be excited to share pictures from the kids' first real beach experience. Happy summer!

Children of Summer

2009-06-17T19:36:00.000-07:00

School's out and the warm weather's here. I've taken my solo trip for the summer (to visit Laura in NYC), and now I have a month and a half before school starts again. Mark's taking a couple classes for most of the days this summer, so it's just me and the boys on the weekdays. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about that, about going from full time job to full time mom without much chance to get out on my own, but so far I'm loving it. It's making me really make an effort to enjoy each moment with my kids and think of things that will get us all out and about.

I'm realizing how well I do when I can make my own plans without having to meet other adults' needs and can really focus on Carter and Cameron and follow their natural rhythm. I can leave in the morning for an outing when everyone's ready, and not before, and head home when everyone's had their fill and needs the comfort of their own bed for the afternoon nap. I even get a few moments of shut-eye here and there.

Now that Cameron is walking, Carter and Cameron often can entertain each other without needing me unless there is a dispute over a shared toy. Today I went to a nearby lake with a friend who has kids the same age, and we both noted that we were able to carry on a complete conversation without needing to tend to our kids. It doesn't sound like much, but it's amazing what a difference it makes not always having to be doing something for the kids.

I've started to be able to get my own enjoyment out of activities I do with the kids. Tomorrow I'm going on a hike and, although I know it will be at Carter's pace and it will take me a good part of the morning to get ready, I anticipate that I'll still feel like I'm getting outside and at least getting a bit of exercise, even if it's only because I'll have 30-pound Cameron on my back.

The shift is taking place ever so gradually, but I get glimpses of not always needing to be concerned about what my kids need, who's hungry, why someone's crying. I'm having more and more moments of truly enjoying the relationship with my kids and doing things that we all want to do. It makes me realize how cool I really think my kids are and how amazing it is that I get to spend the rest of my life with them.

Cultivating

2009-05-29T08:08:00.000-07:00

(Carter and me, taking some time to just be. Olympic Peninsula, WA)

In reading this post, it brought to light for me how much I treasure the little vegetable garden I planted a couple weeks ago. It's something I've been planning since last summer. I began with little idea of what I wanted to include and then where I might be able to find a home for it in our yard. A place not too big, with just the right amount of light, and where Winston wouldn't be running through it. I actually built the border, a row of partially buried bricks, last fall, and had a sketched drawing of where each plant would live in my little 8' x 8' square of life. As soon as I knew the danger of frost was gone, (late May at our house), I dug up all the weeds, filled our jeep with planting soil, and hoed the dirt.

The next day I took a cherished trip to the gardening store alone and just walked up and down the aisles breathing in the fragrant-fresh smell of the nursery. I loaded my cart with herbs and a few sprouted plants, and carefully picked my seed packets (do I want big max or autumn glory pumpkins?). I returned to my patch of earth and tenderly planted my crop. It didn't take long, Shorter than Mark's trip with Carter to the hardware store, but I had sown my seeds and was filled with a sense of satisfaction and anticipation.

Having two young children and full time job often leaves me feeling like I spend most of my time and energy meeting the needs of others. And making sure I have sleep and food and the basics is for the purpose of being ready to serve others again. But not my garden. It is my own 64 square feet that I can do what I want with. My energy put into it is for no purpose but my own. If all the plants die or flourish, I'm the only one who will care, and right now that is good.

I look forward to the fruits and vegetables I will have over the next few months, but it's really more about the journey. It's a few minutes a day Carter and I spend together watering (he loves the shower head on the hose), and it's a few minutes a day where I am solely focused on the signs of life. It's my little zen garden where I can take a few minutes for myself to cultivate.

Weathering the Storm

2009-05-17T18:10:00.001-07:00

(Carter and Cameron enjoying lunch on Mimi and Papa's boat)

Wow. It's been awhile. As my last post alluded to, there's a lot going on right now, and much of it I'm still muddling through. But the clouds are beginning to part. I can feel a sense of burden lifted from my shoulders. The waters are calming and it's beginning to feel easier to swim. For one, the kids are getting older. I can sit for almost five minutes on occasion and not have a single demand asked of me. Not often, but enough to make a difference. Another reason, summer's coming. I can open the doors and windows and get some fresh air, have some space, let Carter play outside and entertain himself with the grass and bugs and sandbox. Work is busy as ever, but the end is in sight. Three weeks left. And I've started climbing again and am beginning to be reminded of who I am other than Mom and Wife. I have goals that are just mine and can only be accomplished by me.

It's amazing how feeling in control and happy and content with one part of my life spreads and is contagious with the other parts of me. It's the snowball effect. The best kind of snowball there is. I can feel my infectious smile touching my kids and Mark. As I am more fulfilled, I have more to give, which naturally leads to others giving back. I can feel my life's investments giving great returns.

It's not all smooth sailing. Cameron's teething and Carter just threw a notable I'm-too-tired-to-not-cry-and-scream-and-kick tantrum this afternoon. But I have more within me to get through it and move on. As I sit here in the early evening sunshine and watch Mark and Carter mow the lawn together, my heart is full.

I think I've come out of this last storm without too many lasting bumps and bruises. Hopefully just some great swimming experience to help me get through the next one.

The Sea

2009-02-19T10:03:00.001-08:00

I am struggling where to start with this entry, or where it is going, so I'll just begin . . .

I'm having vividly detailed visions of the sea recently. Not a calm, sunny day, breezy sea. More like a late evening, cloudy night, slightly drizzling sea that churns and froths. The moon is full but is almost completely covered by shapeless clouds, with only a faint glow of cloaked light cast on the beach.

I find myself a part of this scene in many places, sometimes standing on the beach, watching those close to me swim in the sea, struggling, doing their best to stay afloat. Other times I am that person in the sea, splashed by waves, bobbing with little control over my direction. Later, I sit upon a floating vessel, not so much a boat, but perhaps an inflatable raft or unstable surfboard. I ebb and flow with the waves, not really going anywhere, but in a constant state of motion.

All around me, at work, at home, on the phone, in conversations with others, I find I am surrounded by and a part of unease. As I support others who are floundering, I also fumble and falter. It's not one event, one person, one area of life. It's an indefinable sea that has no clear borders and edges. This lack of definition leaves me at a loss for words, unsure of what I need. My usual compulsion to talk and consult and vent is absent. Silence feels more comfortable right now.

But I feel buoyant and hopeful. In time the strokes I need will come naturally and fluently. The clouds will part, and I will once again regain my footing, will see clearly what to do, how to proceed. There is no storm brewing on the horizon. I only need to wait and be patient, take deep breaths and keep on moving.

Playing Nice: Addendum

2009-02-11T10:24:00.000-08:00

A quick addendum to yesterday’s post:

Last night we went swimming again, and Carter found a little girl named Erika to play with. We went through the routine of Carter asking her name, and my telling him to ask her and tell her his name as well. Names were exchanged, and the rest of the night, she referred to him as Tater and he called her Kylie, and they both responded to each other as if those had been their names all along. Erika’s dad and I attempted to clarify with our children the other’s name, but it was unsuccessful, and really, it didn’t matter. Tater and Kylie got along just fine without us.

Playing Nice

2009-02-10T09:36:00.000-08:00

We have discovered discounted Tuesday nights at the rec center, so I have been taking Carter swimming. It gives him a chance to get out and be active, and he and I get some quality time because Mark stays home with Cameron.

It's also a place where there are community toys, children, and lots of opportunities for turn-taking, sharing, and interacting. Carter just loves any kids that will play with him. He immediately begins referring to a playmate as "my friend", and then proceeds to initiate play in any way he can. He asks me questions like, "What's her name?" and I have to tell him to go ask, and to tell her his name too. Once he finds out what he's looking for, he always turns back and smiles at me, satisfied that he now has a name to call out.

Having a young child who is learning the rules of play and social interaction reminds me on a daily basis that although we are naturally social beings, we often need to be taught the conventions that our society has established to play nice. It's one of the countless lessons that falls on the list of parent responsibilities.

It's interesting to me that Carter is aware that there are social rules, but that he acknowledges he doesn't always know them. For example, he'll say to me, "I want her boat," but indicates he doesn't know what to do. I tell him that he could offer to trade toys, and he'll do so, once again proud that he was able to get what he wanted in such a successful way.

A side note on all of this is that the adults of these children learning social rules also have to come to a common understanding of what we are going to guide our children to do. For example, if Carter wants another child's toy, but the other child doesn't want to share, then we parents both have a call to make--do we tell Carter that's the other child's toy so he can't play with it, or do we tell the other child to share?

We parents have to quickly read each other's body language and discern who needs to intervene. There is no one right answer, but we parents, not even knowing each other, understand that we have to support the other in the decision made so our kids hear a consistent message.

It's not an easy thing to do, present this unspoken united front as unacquainted parents. It reminds me that Carter's not the only one learning and practicing the unwritten social rules we all live by. As a parent, I have to remember how to initiate contact with another person, come to common understandings, and play nice.

Stopping to Enjoy the Music

2009-01-16T15:37:00.000-08:00

This article about the reaction of the public to this violinist playing in the subway struck a cord with me. The article describes a social experiment in which Joshua Bell, a world-renown musician who can fill an auditorium with seats sold for upwards of $100, plays in the subway at rush hour and is barely noticed. It begs the question of what beauty, talent, and precious moments we pass by each moment without realizing the missed opportunity.

I know I get so busy and task-oriented that it’s hard to stop and look around, slow down the pace of the world, take a moment to breathe. I’ve written about this before, but it’s something that takes constant reminding and self-correction for me, especially now with two children to tend to on top of a full-time job. The grocery lists, doctor’s appointments, bills, laundry, dishes, and meals are so visibly before me and begging to be dealt with. My children’s requests and cries keep me on auto-pilot mother-mode where I can pour a glass of milk, change a diaper, and make a plate of chicken nuggets without even being fully conscious.

How do I turn off that auto-pilot function to look around at the scenery, the daily events whose fibers weave together to form my tapestry of memories? On my desk at work sits the above picture of Mark blowing bubbles for Carter, and a perfect bubble hovers above their head, frozen in time. How do I open my eyes and slow down my mind enough to spot that perfectly floating bubble, gone a moment later? I want to not just see, but notice and note in my memory the light in Carter’s eyes every time he learns something new. I want to permanently record in my mind Cameron’s light-hearted, carefree giggle.

You know that little black box that planes have that record everything that happens? How do I get one of those installed so that when my auto-pilot accidentally kicks on, I can refer to the little black box to see and hear what I missed. Simple joy and beauty surrounds me every day. I want to savor every last minute of it.

2009

2008-12-31T19:40:00.000-08:00

We are at the brink of a new year, and I can feel the weight of all that brings with it. Hopes and expectations and ponderings clutter my head. Rather than create a list of resolutions that I know I will never keep, and will therefore result in disappointment, I instead choose to lay on the table a list of possibilities, probabilities, roughly sketched goals, and other ponderings. This is what tumbles out at this hour:

Neater closets
Less cluttered desk
Two children who will sleep through the night
Carter in pre-school
More reading for pleasure
More free time outside
A vegetable garden in the backyard
A girls' trip with my sister and mom
Less time picking up toys
Learning to play a new song on the piano
Less worry about others judging me
Focus on the joy, not obligation, of giving gifts
Forgiving myself for the parenting mistakes I will inevitably make
Trad leading at least a 5.8 (climbing jargon)
Cameron walking and learning his first words
Finally feeling like my body is really mine for the first time in four (!) years
Giving away more junk to Goodwill (this complements number 1 nicely)
Carefully choosing my battles, and being confident in my decisions
Living the philosophy of the serenity prayer
Learn to cook a new favorite dish
Eat more vegetables
Eat more fresh, unprocessed food
Model the act of giving on a regular basis for my children
Find time for more yoga
Accept that I will not meet all my expectations for 2009, and that's okay

There are the 25 that seem to come to mind at the moment. What thoughts float around in your head on such a day? Cheers to a new year.

Dissonance

2008-12-20T09:42:00.001-08:00

Winter break officially started yesterday afternoon, and I can feel myself in a state of dissonance, too scattered to focus on any one thing for very long. I am anxious for my family to come to town in a day or two and want my house to look festive, clean, and tidy. Not because it's expected but because I am more at ease when I'm not thinking about the unswept kitchen floor.

But my mind keeps wandering back to my last day of work, remembering the few loose ends I wasn't able to take care of and will be waiting when I return in two weeks.

Then there's the planning for these precious days we have off, even more precious because we have possible babysitters, meaning that we could potentially do some of those things that we can't afford to do with a sitter because they're too time consuming. But these activities have to be balanced by the time spent with those visiting. My time with them is precious, too.

But my children always pull me back to the present. Carter needs a cup of milk, a story to be read, a snack to be made. Cameron's ready for a nap, a new toy, to nurse. I am reminded that I can think and plan and worry all I want, but now is now. I need to pace myself and be present, pull my mind away from the past and future, into what's happening around me.

I need to ground myself and find my rhythm, synthesize everything that's in my head into a steady beat that moves me forward, not a cacophony that scatters and spins me.

So I sit here and write in an attempt to quiet my mind, perhaps even empty some of what is in it. Writing calms me and centers me, helps me sort through my thoughts and refocus on priorities. I feel less grinding of my gears already. I am able to think and see more clearly. Deep breath. Let the holidays begin.

Winter's Here

2008-11-27T16:00:00.000-08:00

We spent Monday evening in Cherry Creek North admiring the newly unveiled, high-ranking Christmas window displays, and then drinking hot chocolate. It was one of those magical nights where the lights are brighter, the air is crisper, and cheeks are rosier than usual. Such a spur-of-the-moment outing that will hopefully be a yearly tradition.

On Wednesday, Mark and I had the day off from work and for the sake of getting some good "couple" time in, we took the kids to daycare and headed to Lincoln Falls for some ice climbing. The weather was perfect, the ice was in, and the kids were taken care of. We got three good routes in. Tromping around in the snow and ice really made me realize that the winter spirit is here, even if not the official winter season.

I'm getting excited about digging out the Christmas decorations and transforming the house for Carter and all of our visiters that will be coming in to celebrate. I say, bring on the blizzards, bring on the snow. My arsenal of hot chocolate and comfort foods is ready and waiting.

Giving Thanks

2008-11-27T15:49:00.001-08:00

This thanksgiving we decided to stay home and enjoy being together with just our family. Upon Mark's suggestion, we made all the traditional thanksgiving dishes, knowing that we would be the only ones who would have to suffer if we messed anything up. The dinner actually turned out delicious. We rated it an 8 compared to other grandmas' 10 dinners. Not bad.

Mark took charge of doing the turkey. We used the oven bag but Joy of Cooking's recommendation to "roll" the bird every half hour.
We gave thanks for our wonderful day together. Carter's still getting the idea of the whole holiday. I just love this picture from this afternoon.

Cutie Cameron and other miscellaneous photos

2008-11-11T10:17:00.001-08:00

I've had some requests for some more Cameron pictures. It's funny because I actually take more pictures of him, but I seem to post more of Carter. So, below are some miscellaneous pictures of the boys, with plenty of Cameron. There's even a rare family photo of us. We're in Idaho Springs in the hot springs pool. Enjoy!

Carter's Birthday

2008-11-11T09:15:00.001-08:00

Carter's birthday party on Saturday was a great success. He had lots of fun and loved the attention. Here is a story of his birthday in pictures.

Carter excitedly waited all morning for his friends to come over.

He waited patiently to eat his cake and looked longingly at it many times during the day.

It was a lion cake to go along with the jungle theme. What it lacked in appearance it made up for in home-made deliciousness.

Carter and his friends had fun decorating their favor bags with jungle stamps.

Meanwhile, the babies socialized with each other.
Carter opened lots of presents. He loved the dragon castle with its trap door, treasure, and boulder.

Cameron pretended to be Medusa with some of Carter's snakes.

And the helicopter was great. He loved all the noises it made.

Finally, it was cake time. Carter's eyes lit up when we all started singing. He still likes to sing Happy Birthday to himself a few times a day.

Carter and Mark enjoyed sharing a piece of cake.

It was a great party. Happy third birthday, Carter.

Cause for Celebration

2008-11-06T08:52:00.001-08:00

If I titled every week of my life, this week’s title would be celebration. Each event is so so notable and remarkable for me that I wanted to include them in separate posts. So keep scrolling. Keep reading. Keep celebrating.

Climbing

2008-11-06T08:51:00.000-08:00

To start the week out, Sunday Mark and I got our first, bona fide, official, complete with hourly rate, babysitter. Not to go to a wedding or attend a funeral or see a movie or do anything that was obligatory or scheduled. We went climbing. This is the activity that first brought Mark and me together, and how we fell in love. There is something metaphorical about climbing and building a relationship—the trust that the climber and belayer have to have, their reliance on each other, their physical connection by way of the rope, the natural inclination to shout words of encouragement. Climbing always brings us back to the roots of our relationship where we are our truest, most playful selves. We return to our life of house and marriage and children renewed and reconnected to each other. It’s that shot of energy to our relationship that helps to sustain us through trying times. Did I mention it was a record-breaking, gorgeous, sunny day with cloudless skies? Just icing on the cake.

Change we can believe in

2008-11-06T08:49:00.000-08:00

Tuesday night Mark and I sat glued to the TV, celebrating every state the turned blue, cheering as if we were watching our favorite team score points leading to winning the superbowl. We brushed off the red states and tried not to let them get us down. We were fighting for a winning team. Or at least we hoped so. Then, in silence, on the screen came what looked like a billboard with the words, “Obama, 44th President Elect, 2008.” We looked at each other with wide eyes. Was this a commercial? Wishful thinking? Another political advertisement? No. It was that moment. That moment in history that I will always remember. Right up there with them memory of the Berlin Wall coming down. The announcer came on and let the country and the world know that the race had been called. Barack Obama would be the next president of the United States. When Mark and I finally found words, we reflected on what an amazing time in history our children would be growing up in. Carter would see a black man as president and think nothing of it. I rejoiced that my boys would grow up in a country where someone who was something other than old and white and a war hero could be president. My heart filled with hope and pride.

A Visitor

2008-11-06T08:48:00.001-08:00

Tuesday night, really Wednesday at 1am, one of my best friends in the world came to visit. Noelani, a close friend from college had some time off, so she and her boyfriend flew out to see Colorado. She’s one of those rare friends with whom you feel you can do anything or nothing, but you know it will be fun. We can stay up late giggling about nothing over a bowl of pudding. I can tell her anything without fear of being judged or criticized or dismissed. Thought of these next four days, with nothing specific planned, still make me giddy with excitement. It almost feels like getting to hang out with Santa Claus for a few days. It’s that good.

Happy Birthday, Carter

2008-11-06T08:46:00.000-08:00

Today is Carter’s third birthday. He has been talking about it for months, and it’s finally here. (Although he still said this morning, “My birthday’s coming!”, not quite understanding that it’s actually today.) This is a big one. It’s the first birthday he’s actually been anticipating and will be celebrating. The past two have really been more about us and our celebration of his life, but this year he gets to take part. He gets to begin to understand that we are celebrating his life and our love for him. Last night felt like Christmas Eve for me, secretly wrapping presents and eagerly anticipating the morning.

This morning I had put some presents of the table, and when Carter saw them, he said with amazement, “Presents?”, as if he wasn’t quite sure if they were for him or whether he could touch them. By 6:30am, he had unwrapped two books, a shape shorter, three race cars, and a race track. Not bad considering the sun hadn’t even come up yet.

As a child, you don’t recognize that celebrating your birthday is as exciting for the parents as it is for you. Now as a mother I realize that this special day is also about celebrating the beginning of our family. The day I became a mother and Mark and I became parents. It’s as much a “mother’s day” as it is Carter’s birthday. I catch myself smiling today for no reason other than the joy of this special day. Happy Birthday, Carter.

Who's Santa?

2008-10-31T13:13:00.000-07:00

Carter and I were listening to some Raffi, a children's musician from my childhood, in the car this morning. A song about Santa came on:

Carter: What's that song?
Me: It's about Santa.
Carter: Who's that?
Me: He comes to our house on Christmas.
Carter: Why?
Me: To bring presents.
Carter: He's a good guy, huh.
Me: Yes, but he only brings presents to boys and girls who are good.
Carter (in a hushed voice of wonderment): How come?
Me: Because they have tried hard to do what's right, so Santa wants to give them something special.
Carter: Oh. (Long pause) I'm good, mommy?
Me: I think you usually try to do what you're supposed to.
Carter (with conviction): Yep.

I love this age where Carter is learning, making sense of the world, and trying to understand how he fits into it all. We have a lot of conversations like this, him wanting to know how and why things happen. It is such a reminder that we are born knowing nothing, and that we have learned everything we know. It sounds obvious, but it is easy to take for granted until you spend each and every day with a little boy who is so actively learning about the very fundamentals of his world. He makes me see something through new eyes constantly.

Carter exploring the fountain at Denver Botanic Gardens

Your gut

2008-10-29T09:52:00.000-07:00

We have been struggling with the childcare issues for six months now. The week before Cameron was born, our daycare lady, whom we love, told us she was going to start searching for a nursing position and would stop doing daycare as soon as she found a new job. I spent the four months of maternity leave and summer searching for the right person. I didn't have certain criteria or unreasonably high expectations. Just someone that would care for our children and give them the love we could not while we were working. A place that would stimulate them and support their needs.

We finally found a woman we'll call "Julie" a couple weeks into August and started with her by the end of September. The first day I dropped off the kids at her house, I was a bit anxious and just kept telling myself that I was having a hard time with the transition. As days went on, when people would ask how things were going with Julie, I would tell them everything was fine, but we don't love her like we did the last person. I found myself questioning what Julie was telling me about the kids and wondering if there was more she wasn't saying. Mark and I both didn't have a great feeling but couldn't put our finger on why.

Two weeks into it, Carter made some comments that, along with other things we knew, basically indicated that Cameron had been taken to another person's house while Carter had gone somewhere with Julie. Yes, he's only two years old, but all the details fit together and it seemed plausible that had actually happened. Between our icky gut feelings and this new piece of information, Mark and I felt like we couldn't stay another day with Julie.

We told her we wouldn't be returning and headed back to the drawing board to start another search for childcare. I was discouraged and disheartened, wondering if we would ever find someone else.

Within three days we interviewed someone we liked. She was right around the corner from my school and had a great setup. Today is day four with her, and the kids seem happy. I have no reservations in the mornings about dropping them off and don't wonder whether there's something she's not telling me. I can breathe easy.

Other than the final bit of information Carter gave us about Julie, we didn't really have a concrete reason to leave. Something just wasn't right. We wondered whether it was right to leave her with no "good" reason, but then realized that following our instincts really is the best reason of all.

Our current person doesn't do anything notably different than Julie or have incredibly better qualifications. There's just that sense we have that our kids are happy. They're well-cared for and loved while we aren't there.

Putting my own kids in daycare is one of the hardest things I've done, and finding the right person makes it or breaks it. It is such a leap of faith to leave them with someone and know it is the best thing for them. But now my head is clear. I think we've found our provider.

This interview is what got me thinking about just how important our gut feelings are.

Joyful Journey

2008-10-25T19:19:00.001-07:00

For my birthday I had requested from Mark to plan a short family trip for us. We don't often pay to stay places, so that would be a treat, and having someone else plan a trip was a gift in itself. Mark enlisted the help of his students and found Joyful Journeys, a delightful hot springs getaway. He booked us to stay in the yurts, something totally new to me. I was excited when we set out this past Thursday, but a little apprehensive just because I had such high expectations for it.

The past three days have been some of the best days we've had as a family. Things went smoothly, and the rhythm just seemed right on. It was just us, so we had no one else's agenda to fit into, and we could do what felt right at the time without external constraints. The weather was absolutely gorgeous, and the kids were in good spirits, likely feeding off Mark's and my concurrent happiness.

We soaked often in the crystal clear, untreated waters, and they even had a pool that was cool enough for Carter. We also went to the Great Sand Dunes National Park, a place I had been before with 60 of my students, so it was a whole different experience with our small group of four. The Alligator Farm, a highly touted attraction in the area was another of our planned day trips. It turned out to be quite an odd place, more like your weird aunt Betty's backyard where she keeps odd animals that happen to come her way.

On our last morning there, I even got to take a two hour yoga class because there happened to be a yoga retreat there for the weekend, and the instructor let me drop in to a class. It was quite different than many other classes I've taken, and refreshing for that reason.

The one downer for the trip was my camera that got dropped in the sand and is not functioning at the moment (hence, the lack of accompanying pictures). Hopefully, some of the links will make up for the visuals.

The past three days far exceeded my expectations. Again, it was less about what we did, and more about how we were able to enjoy our time together as a family. It reminds me that these years with itsy bitsy kids can be trying, but that it doesn't have to be all hard, and that it does get easier. This trip reminded me how very much I really love the little family we have created. I feel so complete. These past few days truly were a joyful journey for all of us.

Bliss

2008-10-17T08:09:00.001-07:00

I have been on fall break for almost a week now, and I've gotten lots done and had gobs of quality time with the kids. However, Mark was out of town this weekend, worked this week, and has been gone a few of the past nights, so I've been doing the parent thing largely on my own.

Wednesday night after Mark had been out climbing and called to see if he could go to dinner with his friend, he asked, "By the way, how are things going there?"

I responded with a sigh, "Well, you know, it's day five of me and the kids." In the back of my mind I knew I still had the rest of the week days on my own, and then again this weekend when Mark will be in charge of entertaining his friend who's coming in to town.

Without hesitation, Mark suggested he take Thursday off from work so I could go do what I wanted. He said I could come and go and do what I needed to feel like I was getting a break. I jumped at the opportunity.

I didn't do anything spectacular, a couple hours shopping with birthday money and a great new yoga class I found. We had to go to grandma's to install a disposal, plans that had already been made, so I was mom again for a few hours.

But it was such a rejuvenating day. It was freedom I hadn't felt in such a long time. It was less about what I did and more about the fact that Mark took away much of the guilt I often have when I leave everyone. I had no reason to feel like I was missing out on precious kid time because I had already had several days and knew I had another week and a half with them. And Mark wasn't having to give up on something fun in order for me to leave. Just a day of work. But most of all, Mark suggesting my leaving and therefore made me feel like I had his "blessing" to go.

It's amazing the difference the mental part plays in my feeling "released" and therefore more refreshed. The day was less about what I did and more about my ability to really enjoy my time alone.

F...aaaaaahhhhhh.....ll Break

2008-10-11T20:17:00.000-07:00

Aaahhhhh.......that is the big sigh of relief and release I am letting out now that I am officially on fall break. Two weeks of no early morning meetings or rushing to daycare or packing a lunch or wishing I had more time in the day to wear all the hats I sport in a day.

This week Mark is still working, so I have the gift of time to catch up on life and feel like I am on top of it (or at least sort of keeping up). I have to keep reminding myself that I don't have to get everything done in a day. Today we focused on a few key errands and rotating toys from upstairs and downstairs. Already Carter is more interested in the play area with toys that have not been enjoyed for a few months.

Today was cold and rainy, so much so that I finally broke down and turned on the heat for the season. It wasn't exactly the beautiful crisp, fall day that I was hoping for to begin fall break, I decided to make the best of it, so I rented a movie and even got to watch it.

I'd like to make it to the zoo one day this week and check some more things off my to-do list, but I'm trying to stay open so that, even with two kids in tow, I can still feel a bit spontaneous and see what I'm in the mood for as the days come. This fall break is all about attitude, and so far I've gotten off on the right foot.

The second week of fall break Mark is off too, so those days will have a totally different rhythm to them. We've got plans for many of the days already, including a few days away with the family, a trip I got for my birthday and am very excited about.

Oh, and for those of you who were involved in the daily drama of daycare the past few weeks, we have left the last "new" person due to all sorts of fishy things, but mainly just a bad gut feeling. And we've already found someone new! We did one day with her last week that went great, so that's a huge load off my mind that will help me enjoy these next two weeks that much more.

Right now I'm drinking a glass of wine on the couch while both boys sleep soundly. Cheers to this much-needed time off.

serenity

2008-10-01T05:50:00.000-07:00

I have been working on ways to get a little me time every once in awhile, and one of the most rejuvenating things for me is a hike in the woods. Above is a picture of a gorgeous afternoon where I got out by myself (with Winston) and could just walk and think and breathe. The sunlight was streaming through the trees and some of the aspens were just starting to turn. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day.

I am living more and more by the mantra that I can't be a good mom unless I am good to myself, too. These weekend afternoons are the boost I need to not only get through but enjoy this stage of life with my kids. Look how sweet they are!

New Duds

2008-09-19T09:10:00.001-07:00

I thought it was about time for a blog overhaul. New color scheme. And that picture at the top? I took it in Yellowstone. Pretty cool, eh? I'm still waiting for another picture of me to post. I always seem to be the one behind the camera. Let me know what you think of the new look!

Why there is a God

2008-09-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

"Where dat come from?"

"Why?"

These are Carter's two favorite questions right now. For everything. For anything I say, he responds with one of these two questions, and as fast as I can answer him, he asks again for the answer I've given. Here's a sample conversation:

"Mommy, what doin'?"
"I'm taking the trash out."
"Why?"
"Because it's full."
"Where dat come from?"
"Well, when we throw lots of things away, it fills up the trash."
"Why?"
"Because things take up space."
"Why?"
"They're made of something called matter. That means they take up space."
"Where dat come from?"

This is where I get stuck. Where does matter come from. And it all started with taking out the trash. I've tried explaining the history of the universe, the big bang theory, the structure of an atom. I've tried cycling through simple answers a two-year-old will understand.

Now I understand the simple answer, "God," that so many people give. No wonder people believe in God. He's that final answer in the end that stops the cycle of questioning. Maybe I'll find my faith after all.

Yellowstone in Pictures

2008-09-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

I love the above picture because it is so unstaged and innocent. Last Saturday morning sleep seemed to visit daddy and Cameron at the same time. Cameron kept giggling in his sleep. I wish I had audio to include.

The rest of the pictures below are from our trip to Yellowstone over Labor Day weekend. It was a long drive but worth it. I had never been before, and it was such a great place to take little kids because there were boardwalks everywhere that were stroller-friendly. We saw some amazing geologic formations. I'm also excited about these pictures because I'm learning how to enhance them through iPhoto. Let me know what you think!

Mark and Carter looking in awe at the steam and blue water. Mark was giving Carter a very scientific explanation of it all.

Near Old Faithful. It was such a beautiful day.

Old Faithful going off, right on time. It was a pretty incredible sight.

Carter and Cameron, trading seats in the stroller. Carter has been so lovey towards Cameron. I've loved seeing the two of them together.

The amazing blue water. They say it's often hotter than boiling point because of the immense pressure. Pretty cool.

This too shall pass

2008-08-26T08:04:00.000-07:00

Right now my life feels so very full that it’s beginning to stretch at the seams, the individual threads that hold it together are visible and strained. Those little threads that contain the weight of my days and nights are vulnerable to the slightest abrasion that could slice through the fibers, and it all could come tumbling down.

I am trying just to maintain right now, not take on too much or go too fast. Be gentle with myself and try to do the same for others. The Jewish phrase, “This too shall pass,” rings true with me right now, regarding both the lovely and the irksome. I feel surrounded by this dichotomy right now, cherishing the quiet moments with Cameron and his baby smell, and breathing through the long days of working and mothering and “wifing” with little time for myself.

“This too shall pass” has become my mantra recently, to remind myself to enjoy the little moments in life because they will soon be gone, and to let go of many of my worries, because they are only temporal. Do not rush through these days; there will be time for other aspirations and desires. What I have now is worth embracing with every atom of my being.

The Mask of Motherhood

2008-08-02T20:08:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I got together with two friends who have kids the same ages as Carter and Cameron. It was the first time all three of us have been together with all of our kids. The conversation started out with the standard, "How is your baby sleeping? How is the older sibling handling it?" etc. But slowly, comments about some of the common mother struggles we're dealing with began to come out. Like, how it can be exhausting to be a mother and wife in the same day. And that our kids actually annoy us sometimes. And that some part of us is actually looking forward to returning to work. But as each of these admissions was made, the confessor would follow it with some comment like, "I must be the worst mother in the world," or, "Isn't that terrible?" rather than assuming that such negative thoughts and feelings are totally normal.

In my experience it seems mothers are expected to love and smile at every aspect of motherhood, and to not like part of it is some sort of failure. We don't openly discuss the moments we don't like; it's only in hushed intimate conversations that we admit such things. Why is that? We easily express our frustrations with work, with in-laws, even with spouses to an extent, but for some reason being a parent is different.

Everyone says that being a mother is the hardest, best job there is. But it has become such a cliche phrase that it's lost its meaning. Becoming a mother is so easy--one passionate night--that the difficulty of successfully raising a child doesn't even fall on the same scale.

I continue to urge myself to be honest and open about motherhood and not put on the smiling supermom mask that disguises when I'm struggling. Expressing my true, unfiltered feelings almost always results in someone else nodding along and sighing in relief that she's not alone, either. In this way stronger bonds are made among mothers and we each feel a little less alone. A little more normal. A little more forgiving of ourselves as mothers.

Picture Recap

2008-07-30T13:09:00.000-07:00

Below are some pictures from our summer adventures. I had a hard time choosing just a few from the hundreds we have. Two kids really necessitates lots of photos.

We went camping with some friends and the two kids, and even got some climbing in. Carter got to try out his new harness that he had gotten for his birthday, and Cameron was happiest swinging in the tree (I'd insert "Rock A Bye Baby" here if I knew how.)

This is the beginning of our summer yard project. We first took out a huge dying cottonwood tree that was just to the right of the bobcat. We then wanted to add a brick walkway. When the sand and gravel was delivered, the driveway cracked, so that led to the project of pouring a new driveway.

Here, most of the brick walkway has been laid (a very tedious job!) and the driveway is ready to be poured. Soon I'll post pictures of the finished project.

Cameron smiles all the time now, and I just love it. Here's when he first started smiling. Carter loves to lay a blanket on the floor and have me lay Cameron next to him. Then they chat on the floor in their brother language.

One of our favorite summer places is on the hammock. Cameron's almost guaranteed to fall asleep, and it's a rare moment when Carter is actually still. As you can see, clothing is optional at our house when it's hot.

The boys sleeping in. I love this picture because it's an absolute rarity in our house to have this many people sleeping at the same time, much less in the same room. Of course, on this morning we had to be somewhere at 8:30, so I had to wake everyone up right after I took this picture.

Here's Carter at the Space Needle during our visit to Washington (see previous post). He kept looking up at it and saying, "What's that called?" He was in awe.

"Mimi" and Carter on the beach by my parents' house. I think we adults were as excited for Carter to see the beach as he was. We all kept running up to him and saying, "Look at this! Look at this!" He would try to acknowledge our excitement by picking up whatever it was we were showing him, make an interested face, and then throw it to the ground.

He took on the role of patient parent while we excited children were looking for his reaction.

We took a hike with kids in tow through some old growth forest to an amazing waterfall. Look at the tree behind us!

We went strawberry picking near my parents' house, and Carter loved it. He would pick strawberry after strawberry and eat them. Carter's showing off one of his finds.

Here's another picture in Seattle Center where we taught Carter what "killing time" meant. He kept saying the phrase as if he was really trying to understand.

So that's our summer in a nutshell. Lots of fun, lots of projects, and a little relaxing. Overall, a great time.

Summer's End

2008-07-28T19:24:00.000-07:00

With only six days left until I officially return to work, I am a bit anxious of the impending transition. I have loved the past 14 weeks off. I had a little trepidation going into such a long stretch of time off with two kids and not a lot planned because I was afraid of long days sitting in the house with bored and/or crying kids and a restless husband. That was not the case. Between a major yard project (tree removal, new brick walkway, driveway replaced and flagstone patio), a trip to Keystone for a conference, a trip to my parents' house in Washington, and lots of visitors, there was never a dull moment.

Staying so busy gave Mark and me lots of practice handling two kids in a variety of situations, and this past Friday felt like the final exam. We had 24 hours between the time my parents had to drop us off at the airport in Seattle and the time our plane took off. This is no small feat with a 2 year old and (literally) 200 pounds of luggage. We found a hotel near the airport and made use of shuttles, public buses, monorails and our feet to get to downtown Seattle, enjoy ourselves, and then back to the airport in time for our 8:45 pm flight. It was a success. So much of a success, in fact, that Mark and I think Carter was actually better behaved and happier than on an average day. (I'm not sure what that implies, so let's move on.)

Daycare is still not settled. We had a woman semi-arranged, but then she decided she only wanted to watch one kid, not two. So here we sit, less than a week away from needing care with not even a possibility. This is a major contributing factor to my feeling of sadness as the summer ends because I don't know what we will be doing with the kids.

I am trying to just enjoy these last few days and focus on the good, not fear the the unknown and upcoming stresses. Tonight both kids were in bed by 8pm. That is a celebration. I just finished eating some delicious brownies. Another reason to smile.

I imagine I'm one of many in the sea of kids getting ready to return to school with mixed feelings. I will miss these great weeks off I've had, but I look forward to seeing my colleagues again and being mentally stimulated by my job. I also think our family does better with a little more routine, so I will try to enjoy that, as well, although the lazy (or busy) days of summer are tough to beat.

A new dance

2008-06-11T15:28:00.001-07:00

I'm taking a deep breath right now. And a second. Not something that happens very often around here these days. Life is full with two kids. Sometimes it feels so chaotic that I wish I could snap my fingers and escape to five years ago, but those moments are few and far between. Mostly, I love the feeling of completeness I have when I am caring for my family.

Mark and I are gingerly feeling out the dance steps needed to follow the music of two children. Sometimes I have to stand in place rocking a baby in my arms while Mark twirls around me to entertain Carter. Other times, Mark has to bow off the dance floor to take a few minutes' rest and nurse a beer before re-entering, ready to go again. We definitely step on each other's toes at times, but we try to be understanding and recognize that neither of us is familiar with this new music, that we both need time to find the rhythm and get in the groove.

Below are some recent pictures of some of our more peaceful moments. I try to make an effort to cherish those times when we are just living in the moment without worries of finances and daycare and parenting disagreements.

Mark and the boys on the couch (credit: Noelani for the cute clothes!) As you can see, Cameron is having no problem putting on weight. After his most recent doctor's appointment, the doctor said I seem to be equipped to feed triplets, at least. Cameron had gained 4 pounds in two weeks, half his body weight.

This is Cameron's first camping trip at six weeks old. People thought we were crazy for doing it, but I think we needed to prove to ourselves that we could still get out in the the woods, even with two kids. It went pretty smoothly. Not quite as relaxing as camping without kids, but still better than not going. I think we're going to attempt it again this weekend, with some climbing mixed in, too.

Me and the boys. Cameron's getting some naked time to heal his diaper rash, and Carter's hammin' it up for the camera. Lately, when Carter sits next to Cameron or asks to hold him, he then says, "Camera?" as if to imply, "Don't we look cute enough to take a picture of?" And he's usually right.

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Cameron's Arrival

2008-05-20T15:08:00.000-07:00

Wow. How life can change. I just read my last posting about timing contractions, and can't believe that was only a month ago. After being induced on my scheduled day (April 24), I finally have my beautiful new little boy, Cameron James. He has so quietly and smoothly slipped into our lives that it feels like he has always been a part of our family.

I think we were all bracing for our lives to be turned upside down and inside out with Cameron's arrival. My parents came for four weeks and basically took over running our household (a gift I wish upon anyone deserving; hopefully we were) and then the day they departed, Mark's parents came to take over the duties. The extra help has made life feel doable and manageable and enjoyable. I have been able to really spend some quality time with each of my kids without feeling like the other was being left out; there has always been someone else around to provide the other one with care. I haven't had to worry about life's daily tasks like laundry and vacuuming.

When all the help is gone and it's just Mark and me at home, will we still feel like we can handle this new ratio of 1:1? Or will we wish we had more relatives to call on to take on the daily duties? I'm hoping for the former and fearing the latter. I'm sure we'll have moments of both and will cherish the good time and endure the challenging bits. Only time will tell. For now I'm just going to fully appreciate all of the help and support I have that allows me to really enjoy my new little family.

Below are some pictures of our first days and weeks together. My favorites all tend to be of Carter and Cameron together. They make me feel complete.

A Lesson in Patience

2008-04-17T21:27:00.000-07:00

I am sitting on the couch right now at the late hour of 10:45 (I have not seen past 9:30 in months) timing contractions. I am scheduled to be induced next Thursday, a week from today, but as soon as I hit full-term yesterday, I have been watching myself like a hawk for the slightest sign of labor. Every little pain and pinch and irregularity has me wondering if this could be it. I'm hot, I'm cold, I'm tired, I'm energetic, I'm happy I'm sad...could this be a sign?

After nine months of feeling like my body has been going through renovations by some uninvited construction team, I'm ready for the crew to pack up their stuff and take these huge thighs with them. Mark keeps telling me it's not quite time yet, but there's really no way to describe to someone who hasn't been through pregnancy just how "all-encompassing" it is.

Today I came home from work at noon after having a headache, dry-heaving, utter exhaustion, and just all-over ickiness. I was willing to go through all that if it was labor, but after a three hour nap, much to my disappointment, I was feeling better and more like myself again.

Now that I've had that long nap, I'm wide awake, and of course the contractions I'm feeling aren't helping to calm me down at all. The doctor said to call as soon as I seem to have any sort of rhythm to the contractions to make sure I get in in time, but I don't know whether what's going on is worth all the trouble we'll have to go through to go to the hospital. Having Carter really complicates things. And who wants to pay for a hospital visit when it could just turn out to be a false alarm?

So I'm trying to be patient and objectively time my contractions. I know the hope in the back of my mind is I'll decide to go to the hospital and they'll tell me that even if I happen to not be in labor, they may as well induce since they were going to anyway. Unfortunately, in the time I've been writing this, the contractions seem to be subsiding. I may not even have an excuse to go to the hospital.

Patience. It brings back memories of having to wait until Christmas morning to open presents. Maybe that's the real point of Santa Claus, to teach us a lesson in patience. I surely am having to muster up all the patience I have right now to not call the doctor and and ask her if I can have my gift, my child, right now.

Dog Food Fun

2008-03-27T08:42:00.000-07:00

Life with a two-year-old is never dull. Just as soon as I think I can take my eye off Carter and maybe take a deep breath or watch a commercial all the way through, he reminds me that’s not really an option. Last night, wallowing in my whale-like state, I was laying on the couch with half an eye on the TV while Carter decided Winston needed some more food. This is a regular duty of Carter’s that I have helped with and supervised many times, so it was nothing out of the ordinary and meant that I wouldn’t have to do it later.

He’d bring each cup of food over to show me before dumping it in Winston’s bowl, proud that he had figured out how to scoop it himself. I could hear he was doing a great job, and I hadn’t heard any pieces fall on the floor. After a few rounds of this, I figured the bowl was probably full enough, so I told him to do his last scoop, and then put it away. He dumped the last cup in, and then I could hear him rustling around with the food in the bowl. He hadn’t solicited my attention for a while, never a good sign, so I jelly-rolled off the couch to see what was up.

There is a heat register on the floor near where we keep the food and water bowls, and Carter had pulled off the cover and dumped the majority of the contents of Winston’s food bowl into the vent tube. He pointed at it and said proudly, “Food in hole!” At first I was terrified, picturing food rolling through miles of HVAC in our house, blowing the smell of dog food through the registers every time the heat kicked on. In my best attempt to not scare Carter, but to let him know the seriousness of the offense, I said through clenched teeth, “Nooooo, Carter. We don’t put food in this hole.” He could see in my face that I was not happy and slowly backed away to show he wouldn’t try it again.

I assessed the damage and realized that luckily the vent tube took a pretty sharp horizontal turn shortly past the opening, so I was able to scoop out most, if not all of the food (and a lot of dust bunnies) without too much trouble. With my back turned to Carter, all I could do was smile and know that this wouldn’t be the last time Carter would find a way to anger, surprise, and tickle me with his creative explorations.

Secrets

2008-03-20T20:33:00.000-07:00

Have you heard of PostSecret? It started out as a guy's project, and has evolved into a few books, a website, and videos, all of people's secrets. The basic idea is for people to write their secrets on a postcard (usually accompanied by some form of artwork) and send it to this guy who then publishes much of what he receives. I find something so intriguing about the whole thing. Every Sunday new secrets are posted on the website, and I can't wait to see the new postcards. It somehow feels voyeuristic and liberating and comforting, all at the same time. For me I think part of the attraction is reading others' secrets and knowing I don't have half as much I'm holding in. The other part is that many of their secrets are my secrets, and it's somehow reassuring to feel like other people think the same things I do, if only in secret.

As much as I think we all try to be true to ourselves and honest with others, there's always a small little piece of us that we shield, protect, and hide from the outside world with the fear that others will judge us because of it. Recently I have made an effort to be especially truthful and forthright with what I'm thinking and what I believe, without editing due to the potential reaction of others. In my postings on here I've tried to express my true feelings and thoughts to the extent that I can without infringing on others' right to privacy (mainly Mark's).

But I know deep down that there are many things I think and feel that never get expressed, even to myself. Things that I don't even write in my private diary out of fear that writing them will make them real, and that when I die, people will read my diary and gasp. Isn't that silly? It's just ink on paper, words on a page. And yet, that can have so much power, enough to prevent me from writing.

Experience has taught me that almost always secrets and deep-down thoughts sound worse in my head than they do aloud, and that people are much more forgiving than I give them credit for. Expressing those thoughts rarely is regretted, and is usually quite liberating, but I still have a clear boundary of what I am willing to say, willing to write, willing to admit to. So for now, I will enjoy my guilty pleasure of reading other people's secrets and know I'm not the only one out there with thoughts that remain secrets.

Nesting

2008-03-11T13:02:00.000-07:00

Nesting has set in. It’s one of those quirky things that happens to pregnant ladies near the end of their pregnancies where cleaning and tidying and preparing become the sole mission. There aren’t too many things left that we humans feel and can so clearly identify as instinct, but this is one of them.

Yesterday I found myself wanting to rearrange our bedroom and vacuum under the bed. Cleaning the fridge also seems to be at the top of my to do list. And this weekend I spontaneously decided to scrub the bathtub, something I despise doing. Yep, there must be a baby on the way.

I’ve also noticed that lately I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about how I can rearrange the clothes in the dressers in Carter’s room (which also hold all my clothes) to accommodate the baby’s things. I still have at least 5 weeks until I’ll be full term (and 8 until I’m due) but somehow the need to have clothes in the proper drawers is paramount to all else.

I’m sure I had this same compulsion when Carter was on the way, but it was not as noticeable because I didn’t work the last month before he came, and it felt like something to do to fill the time. There was also the excitement of having all new stuff, whereas this time it’s just gathering the same things together. I just had more time the first time around, so I wasn’t sacrificing some of the essentials to get things done. Last night I had a hard time pulling myself away from vacuuming to eat dinner. But I can just feel my inner instinct screaming, “There’s so little time and so much to do. You’ll never get it all done!” The funny thing is, it’s not a feeling of panic, but more like an incredible burst of energy (a rarity at this stage) that helps to accomplish the impossible.

Interestingly, the house is nowhere near clean. The kitchen floor is a disaster, and the downstairs bathroom hasn’t been cleaned in weeks. There’s only a small niche of tasks that seem to fall into the, “need to get done NOW” category, and they all somehow relate to our new arrival. The baby won’t be laying on the kitchen floor (hopefully) so there’s no reason to clean it, right?

I actually feel that, with a few small exceptions, we’re pretty ready for this baby. At least as far as chores and stuff goes. Now, our mental state and sleep reserves, well, that’s an entirely different matter.

Slow day at work

2008-03-07T13:12:00.001-08:00

Today is Friday, a day where there are often not many people in my department here, and I frequently have my office to myself. I had one meeting this morning, and now I only have really long term projects to work on. I'm having a bit of a hard time getting motivated, so I'm taking a quick minute to share some fun pictures with you. I took them with something called Photobooth on my Mac, so the resolution isn't great, but not bad for a computer camera.

This first one is one Carter and I took a few weeks ago. I love how angelic and child-like he looks. I can't believe this beautiful boy is my son.

I finally got around to taking a belly picture today. As you can see, I'm standing in front of my office door, and I was so afraid someone was going to walk by and wonder what I was doing. I'm now a little over 31 weeks along. People keep telling me how small I look, but I certainly don't feel it. I want to tell them to try lugging around the extra 30 pounds I've put on, most of which tries to tip me over all day. And yes, that is a temporary outty belly button you see.

Just a silly picture. This is how Fridays alone in my office makes me feel!

This one is to remind you that I haven't gone completely crazy. I can look normal if need be.
Okay, seriously. I've got to get back to work. No more goofing around. Only one and a half hours left.

Life's choices

2008-03-01T20:03:00.000-08:00

I just finished watching a special on MTV about a guy who documented his year traveling around the world. He gave up his high-paying job in NYC and spent $20,000 in 23 countries over 50 weeks. I spent a bit of my day getting out newborn baby clothes and washing burp clothes for our upcoming family addition.

In this moment I find myself melancholy, not for the path I've chosen and regret, but for not being able to live two simultaneous lives that cannot coexist. Travel has always been a huge love of mine, and I look back at my times out of the country with only the fondest memories. But I think of my little boy sleeping soundly in the next room, and my heart melts.

Everyone always tells you that life is tough; that it's full of choices; that you can't have everything. I know this, and yet I still wish I could fulfill my dichotomous needs of having a family and traveling the world. I know that kids and a husband don't automatically mean I can't have some adventures abroad, that there are ways to make it happen, but traveling single with loose plans and no one to answer to don't fit in that picture.

Do I wish I had done more before I got married and had kids? I really don't think so. I love the life I've chosen and the family that completes me. But I find myself looking around at this moment, and noticing all the stuff we have, and how complicated things are at times. Have I gotten too comfortable in the suburban, family-years, 3-car owning lifestyle that is absent in the presence of travel? I have glimpses into a fantasy of getting rid of most of our things, living out of a little rental apartment, and having the freedom of being mobile again. After looking into selling our house and finding out what a mistake that would be, we are anything but in a position to uproot right now.

Part of my mental state right now, I'm sure, is due to the fact that I'm 30 weeks pregnant and extremely limited in what I can do. I'm not even supposed to fly on a plane beginning in a few weeks, much less travel around the world, and that simple restriction makes it look all the more appealing.

Perhaps what I need to focus on is not what I wish for that I can't have, but what little things I can do now that will at least partially satiate my need for experiencing something new and different, something beyond white-skinned, English-speaking, hamburger-eating Americans. A short, inexpensive trip to Mexico or the Caribbean may even do it for me. I'll keep that as food for thought for now.

Meanwhile, I will enjoy the choices I have made and recognize all that I would be missing out on if I were off traveling: A wonderful husband and a little boy who is the light of my world. These are not small things to be thankful for.

Odds and Ends

2008-02-22T12:21:00.000-08:00

Every time I actually get a chance to sit down and post, I feel so fulfilled. And I check my friends’ blogs daily for updates. Yet, for some reason, I have a hard time just taking the simple step of logging in and beginning. Much like a child and a bath; don’t want to get in, don’t want to get out. So I am going to make more of an effort to just simply sit down and type, remembering that I don’t have to have a specific topic in mind, and that I don’t have to write volumes.

Today I am thankful for my sweet husband. As it gets harder and harder for me to do every day tasks as my belly grows daily, I appreciate simple little things even more. Today, Mark sent me an email asking what I wanted for dinner, and that he’d have it ready for when I get home since he’s leaving soon after to go skiing with some friends. The end of the day is hard for me, especially on Friday, especially after a week of Carter not sleeping well. Dinner’s the last thing I want to tackle. Somehow, though, Mark has the energy to work a full week, pick up and entertain Carter, make dinner, and then go skiing under the full moon.

This is why we complement each other well. We each seem to reach our limit at different times and are able to be the support and strength for the other. This past Monday, as I was feeling overwhelmed by bills and being pregnant and taxes and all the other minutiae of adulthood, Mark took the initiative to clean up the house. I hope that Mark is able to feel like I step up and support him on occasion as well.

Although somewhat of a mixed blessing, Mark and I have had one thing taken off our very full plate. After having a realtor do a market analysis of our house, we’ve decided not to move this spring. We would lose too much money and would not be able to afford a house we want in the mountains. Although both of us were looking forward to living in a place that suits us better and were very disappointed about how little our house is worth right now, it does mean that we won’t be in the process of moving with a newborn. We can focus on the other changes going on in our lives, not a short list right now.

Photo review

2008-02-20T18:29:00.000-08:00

I have a hard time getting around to downloading pictures from my camera, so I rarely post pictures here. Here are a few from the last couple of months, mainly of Carter, since he's the cutest of the three of us!

Below is Carter and his "cousin" (I don't know how to explain how they're related, other than the other cutie is Addison, Devon's daughter). Devon and her family came to visit a few weeks ago, and Carter got to hang out with another little person. He loved it.

I went to visit my good friend from college, Noelani, and we went to the alligator park with her friend. It was so great to go to warm and sunny Florida in the middle of our snowy Colorado winter.

Carter is almost successfully potty-trained, but we're still working on #2. We often sit for awhile, and he enjoys a good book while he's waiting for things to move along.

Carter got his first opportunity to drive on a Colorado dirt road this winter, but he didn't quite connect the idea of looking at the road and turning the wheel. He sure did love it, though.

Carter has become quite the trooper in the snow and will go just about anywhere with us, as long as we have some chocolate. Below we are taking a break from sledding and skiing to have a little snack.

Here's our sled setup that Mark pulls behind him on skis. If you look closely at Carter's expression, we obviously have not kept the chocolate coming nearly fast enough.

Here's a video of our sledding trip. Not great footage, but it gives you an idea of our outdoor adventures in winter with a two-year-old.

One day Carter and I went to the National Western Stock Show, a big event in Colorado. John Deere had a tractor display, and Carter made sure to try out every one. He loved pretending to drive, and told everyone about the tractors when we got home.

That's all for now. I've had some requests for belly pics, but they just didn't make it on this download. I'll get some up eventually!

Wee hours

2008-02-18T14:31:00.001-08:00

Have you ever heard the term, "wee hours of the night"? I had and never thought much about it. Now I am certain of the origin; it refers to the wee people that are up at that time. This past Friday night, Mark and I were tired after a long week of working and having some friends over for dinner that evening. We have all been recovering from some kind of cold/flu/cough thing that's been going around, so after finally getting Carter down for bed an hour past his bed time, we went to bed ourselves, looking forward to a good night's rest.

In my pregnant state, I predictably woke up and had to go to the bathroom at about 12:15 am. I returned to bed and waited for sleep to come. Unfortunately, the universe had other plans. Carter woke up 20 minutes later and claimed he had to go potty. This happened three more times over the next hour or so, and then he needed milk. Then he just plain couldn't sleep. Each time we heard his little voice at the door, Mark and I would sigh the sigh that only sleep-needing parents can do. We took turns turning him around and putting him back in bed. No one slept through the whole process.

Finally at 4:30, Mark and I were feeling out of solutions with no end in sight. Carter wasn't upset or crying, he just couldn't sleep, so Mark decided we may as well just get up. We all traipsed into the kitchen, and Mark made blueberry pancakes while Carter and I played trains. I wondered what our neighbors would think,if they looked out the window in the middle of the night and saw our little family's activities. As odd as we would have appeared, I bet it would be a happy sight to see the three of us merrily making the most of our circumstances.

We finally could see Carter was winding down at about 6am, so we went through the bedtime routine again, and then Mark and I crawled back into our now-cooled sheets. Much to our dismay, Carter woke up again for the day shortly before 8:00, but we knew there was no way we'd get him to go back to bed again. We accepted that we had a sleepless two-year-old and got up to proceed with our day.

We experienced the "wee hours of the night" in their full glory. It's the wee ones and their parents that are awake during those hours. I bet you could open a business based on that concept. I'm picturing breakfast foods, slides and swings for the little ones, and cots for the parents. Hours: 7 nights a week, 10pm to 6 am. I may be onto something . . .

Not just "waiting for the world to change"

2008-01-30T12:32:00.000-08:00

Things are looking up. Since my last posting, my job prospects initially went from unsure to bad. One of the two funding sources my principal had appealed to for my salary replied with, “a big, fat no.” Monday was a rough day. Life was feeling more unsettled than ever, and I was not excited about the alternatives.

Monday night my principal went to her second and last hope for me and pled my case, telling the committee how much change I had brought about, and that it couldn’t be sustained and continued without someone in my position. Rather than deliberate and wait until the following month to vote as is the norm, they unanimously approved my position. My principal told me yesterday morning, and I walked on clouds the rest of the day. There is that one percent of me that wonders what path I would have taken if I had been forced to find a new job, and I do feel just a twinge of wanting to have to have a new adventure, but the rest of me is ecstatic. I feel like the world has stopped spinning, and I can begin to get my bearings again.

Today has been another good day. I took a half day off this morning to go hear Obama speak at Denver University. With RSVP ticket in hand, I stood in the 20 degree weather for two hours in a ridiculously long line. I did not get into the big arena in which he was speaking. Instead, I, along with literally thousands of others, was shuffled into the side gym to watch on the big screen.

I did not come all this way to watch TV with countless strangers. I sat for a little while, debating what to do, and then he walked in. I was less than 10 rows away. Literally a stone’s throw. He has such a presence, an “ambience” about him. It’s how I’m guessing most people feel about celebrities. I could never really relate to how people got so excited about famous people, but now I’m starting to get it. He started speaking and the crowd immediately fell silent to be able to catch his every word. He wasn’t there to officially give a speech to us, but he did a great job of making us all feel like that time in the cold and the day off work was worth it. I decided not to stay and watch his prepared speech on the big screen. I had gotten what I wanted.

After he left, I walked out of the packed auditorium into the silent sunshine outside and just had a moment to enjoy what I had been a part of. I’ve never been surrounded by so many like-minded people, all rooting for the same cause, and it was truly moving. I’ve never cared about anything too political, much less been a part of it, but I think I may be converting to at least a person who pays attention. It’s just so invigorating to feel like there’s a whole group of people out there whose views are at least similar to mine.

I’ll be participating in my first caucus on Super Duper Tuesday next week, and even if Obama doesn’t win, at least I’ll feel like I took a small step in the right direction to enact change. It’s the same reason I’m so excited about my job. I feel like I’m finally in a position to make some long term positive changes school-wide. I thrive on being a part of positive change.

Gaining Control

2008-01-27T18:59:00.000-08:00

Mark came home Friday with the announcement that the science courses at the high school will be changing district-wide. Notably, the course he is responsible for teaching will be now offered in the middle school, and his course will be replaced by something resembling environmental science. Mark has never loved the school he's been at, but he's endured because he has really liked what he's taught. Now he doesn't have that holding him. Meanwhile, as I've mentioned before, my position is in peril due to funding, so my future looks very unclear now. I'm guaranteed a job, but not the one I have.

Considering we've already begun to get our house ready to put on the market, in some ways it seems like the stars are aligning for us to make a big change. We've always talked about moving to a small mountain town, but it's never been the right time. Is this finally it? The housing market certainly isn't in our favor, and I still don't know definitively about my position, and, oh yeah, we're having a baby in three months, so not everything is pointing us in one direction.

In times like these, I don't find myself totally stressed out, but I do feel a heightened sense of responsibility to be doing research and thinking about such big decisions. There are so many things out of my control, like whether we'll be able to sell our house, what my job will look like next year, and when the baby's coming (although we do know somewhere near May 7), that I tend to want to do whatever I can to feel like I have some sort of control over something.

Before we're anywhere near the process of looking for new jobs or narrowing the areas we'd be interested in moving to, I have begun researching teaching salaries and housing prices all over the state. I eagerly grasp at whatever I can that bears a slight resemblance to being able to control my future, even though it has no bearing on the actual outcome. Some people put off all the research fact-finding until things are definite and they have a clear direction they are heading. I do the opposite. Research in all directions so that whatever happens, I will hopefully have a little background knowledge. This trait has really been brought out in me the past few months.

Life feels very uncertain right now, but not in a scary way, not today. Ask me again when the baby's due in a week and I'm interviewing for jobs all over the state, and I might have a bit of a different attitude. But for now, I'm coping the best I know how and attempting to take things day by day. When Mark and I are in the right frame of mind, we're pretty good at looking at changes such as these as an opportunity. I do my best to hold onto that perspective.

Quirks

2008-01-21T19:33:00.001-08:00

I have been tagged (apparently something that happens in the blogosphere) to share 6 quirky things about myself. Somehow such a daunting task. What falls in the quirky category, and what goes to the extreme of weird, odd, and unspeakable? I could easily write this list for other people, Mark for example. Tonight he flipped out, I'm even tempted to say "threw a fit", over tupperware. He hates it that much. But he may not put that behavior in the same category. He'd probably say he was perfectly sane in saying he refuses to acknowledge the existence of tupperware in our house.

Finding what's quirky about yourself means stepping outside of your own frame of mind and attempting to take on others' perspectives. About yourself. Easier said than done. Okay, enough procrastinating, Erin. C'mon. List 'em.

1. I have this newish haircut with official bangs that I didn't ask for, so now I get self-conscious whenever I leave the house without styling them a little. I'm sure no one else notices the difference, but I seem to think that if I'm a little done in the hair department, it's okay to go to the grocery store in my pajamas.

2. I hate when people say I don't look pregnant (or as far along as I am). It feels like they must think I always look this fat.

3. I try to save money in some unproductive and/or inefficient ways, even if it's not my money. For example, I wrote a grant to buy materials for the contents of binders for all the teachers in my school, but I used recycled binders rather than just ask for the money for new ones. Also, I go to a special place to get milk (no hormones) and get a card punched to work towards my free 1/2 gallon of milk. It takes fifty punches to earn $2 worth of milk. Is that really worth my time?

I'm getting stuck here and am tempted to go ask Mark for suggestions for my last three, but at the same time fear that what he will call quirks, I will try to justify as totally sane and rational. Hmmm.....

4. I spend way too much time thinking about what Carter eats. Mark will feed him whatever, while I think about how he's done so far today on the food pyramid. And yet, it's okay to give him a few too many homemade chocolate chip cookies--because they're homemade, and somehow that's healthier in my mind.

5. I make sure to put food out for Winston when we leave the house, even if we're going to be gone an hour, even though he often will go 24 hours without touching his food. I justify it by saying, what if something happens and we're gone a lot longer than we expected?

6. I generally like meetings at work, staff meetings, meetings with teachers, observation meetings. I think it's the conversation and the hope of learning something new. But not meetings with parents. I hate those.

Whew, that was harder than I thought. And just so you know, I did ask Mark for input after number four, and he focused on tupperware. Multiple items relating to tupperware. But it felt a bit like criticism, and not something that seemed to fall into the quirky category, so I didn't include his ideas. But his thoughts did support my previous argument that he's a little quirky about his passionate hatred of tupperware.

Although I'm not tagging anyone to publicly post about their quirks, if you get a chance, take a few minutes and see if you can list some of your own. Or even more risky, ask someone else to list them.

Ups and ups and downs

2008-01-10T13:42:00.001-08:00

After having almost two and a half weeks off from work for the holidays, I have now been back to work for almost a full week. My break was great. In that much time I got so much of what I needed in so many ways. I had time with my family who came to town (though not long enough), which means Mark and I also got some alone time, out cross-country skiing on my new skis. We had some great family time with just the three of us, playing trains on the floor and sledding after the big storm. I also had a bit of time away from the family out with a friend, and some quality time with just Carter after Mark returned to work.

We also started potty training Carter and have had great success. There were many days at first where he just ran around with no pants, but relatively few carpet scrubbings occurred! Lately, he’s been averaging just one accident a day, pretty good considering I wasn’t even sure he was ready. He just may be trained by May when I’ll have another one in diapers.

I had a bit of trepidation about going back to work after such a restorative break. Getting truly dressed and having to go to meetings every day did not sound appealing to me. I went to work on Monday a bit overwhelmed and unmotivated. With a laundry list of things to get done by a deadline, I had to jump right in, and it was actually easier than I thought. As the rhythm slowly returned, I began enjoying what I was doing, and by Tuesday I was eager to return to work to continue my two major projects. This week I have really felt good at what I do and have realized what a feeling of accomplishment and self-respect my job gives me.

As much as I enjoyed my break, I also enjoy the mental stimulation my job gives me. Don’t get me wrong, there are definitely days that are rough and parts of my job that are stressful and thankless, but overall it fills a need in me to use the intellectual side of my personality.

However, my enthusiasm for my job has been tempered by the recently discovered uncertainty of my position. My principal just told me that the person who gave her money to fund my job (one-of-a kind in our district) resigned and that no one currently has a way to officially fund my position next year. I’m guaranteed a job next year, but not this one, the one I love. My principal firmly supports what I do and is going to go to bat for me, but it is not a sure thing. It sounds like I’ll know more in February, hopefully. Meanwhile, I’ll just enjoy what I do and hope that the skills and experience I’ve gained with this job will open new doors in the future. Keep your fingers crossed.

'Tis the Season

2007-12-19T12:24:00.000-08:00

We are definitely in full swing of the holidays at our house. Carter has learned the joys of making cookies (eatinmg the dough around the cookie cutters) and decorating (shaking the sprinkles into his mouth).

We also celebrated our family tradition of going to our former landlord’s property and cutting down a tree. It’s probably one of my favorite days of the year because Mark and I always reminisce about where we fell in love, and it somehow seems full circle to now share that special place with Carter.

Carter also loves the Christmas tree and excitedly runs to plug it in every morning as soon as he wakes up. He loves to talk about all the ornaments and rearrange them every once in awhile.

I have pulled out my Christmas CD’s and have reveled in dancing with Carter by the lights of the tree and singing at the top of my lungs. Carter alternates between a full-out belly laugh when we are spinning and dipping, and a tender snuggle when the slow songs come on. It’s such simple, delightful memory-making that I know I will look back on and smile. I already do.

Last week it snowed just enough for Carter and I to go sledding on one of my days off, and he loved it. As soon as we’d get to the bottom of the hill, he’d giggle and turn to me and say, “Again?” He even walked up the hill every time, pretty surprising since he seems to be in a stage of always wanting to be carried.

The arrival of the out of town guests begins tonight with Mark’s family, followed by my family on Friday. We will also have an additional three dogs at our house, so things will not be dull. I just hope the Christmas tree is still standing by Christmas day.

This year I have really made an effort to not be stressed out by the holidays and to see the simple joys every day that Carter experiences through new eyes. I have slowly gotten all the chores done (shopping, cleaning, cooking) without feeling rushed or overwhelmed. I've even carved out some time to play some Christmas carols on the piano. It’s amazing how slowing down can somehow make the work happen faster and less painfully.

With Carter’s help, I have remembered just what this season is about, and that if we just take a step back and look, the joy has always been there. Sometimes it just gets a little stifled by all the other stuff that comes with the holidays.

Merry Christmas to everyone, and may you all find a little time to smile at something simple and beautiful.

Home improvements

2007-11-20T19:59:00.000-08:00

My last post was about how it feels like I have so little time. Apparently, I didn't have time to finish it. But I have this week off, and my parents have been here to help with a home improvement project in preparation for selling our house. We have removed all the peeling wallpaper from our basement, painted, and put up baseboard. It looks so much better and updated.

Mark thinks that we should have put up wood paneling instead. It's hard when your house slowly begins to not feel like your own, and that you're working on it for someone else, rather than for yourself. Although wood paneling would have been fine for us, it doesn't seem as sellable as a room painted, "sellable white".

Soon we will also be putting in a new kitchen floor, pergo most likely, something I definitely wouldn't pick if we were staying, but the cheapest way to replace our deteriorating parquet. Especially with the way the housing market is, it seems like we have to have our house in tip-top shape just to be considered in this highly competitive, over-saturated market. We can only hope things improve by spring.

Even trying to play the odds, though, it's impossible to know what the buyer will want. My parents recently sold their house, and one of the biggest selling points of their house, they thought, were the woods that lined the backyard. Apparently the new owners have cut down most of the forest so that the yard is now a stump graveyard. Who would think you wouldn't want some trees for privacy, shade, and lushness?

Who knows, maybe we'll get a buyer who will put up the same wallpaper we just put down and wish our kitchen floor was linoleum. I guess you can only shoot for the middle and hope to please most of the people who view our house.

I'm looking forward to when we own a house that we plan on staying in for awhile and can make our own. We could put down plaid carpet and paint the walls pink if we wanted to, and won't be worrying about its resale value any time soon. But, until then, we'll be playing the guessing game of improving our house in ways that others will hopefully like, without much consideration of our needs and tastes.

Halloween

2007-10-31T18:28:00.000-07:00

Tonight was Carter's first Halloween that counts. But the story starts yesterday when I pulled out Carter's Hershey Kiss costume from last year to try on him before he had to wear it at daycare today. Well, as soon as he saw it, he was quite opposed to the idea. I tried just putting it on him to see if he'd tolerate it once he was wearing it, but no. He was going to have nothing to do with being a Hershey Kiss. So after Carter went to bed and Mark came home, I ran to the stores at closing time, frantic to find a costume he might wear. Babies R Us had one lone pumpkin costume, size 6-9 months, and I knew right away that wouldn't work. I ran into a woman eyeing the same costume, and she said she'd been all over town, and that no one had anything. I hung my head, crossed my fingers, and headed to Target.

Target had about 3 different costumes in a slim picking of sizes, but I happened to find a size 3T dragon costume that looked pretty comfortable and wearable. It also looked decently warm with layering possibilities, an important consideration since it was supposed to be in the 40's for Halloween. I bought it and hoped that Carter would consider it. The next morning I waited as long as possible to put it on him, and minutes before we had to leave for daycare, the first place he had to don the outfit, I pulled out the green dragon suit and made Carter think it was the most exciting piece of clothing he'd ever seen. It was love at first sight. He was drawn to the big red spots and couldn't wait to do up the zipper. He even left the hood on. Crisis averted.

This evening I was as excited about Halloween as I've ever been. After insisting everyone eat a good dinner, we headed out at 5:30 or so, ready to get some candy. Knowing Carter's love of chocolate and sweets, neither Mark and I were sure how far we'd get, and guessed Carter would probably eat all the candy he collected before we even got home. We didn't even bring a bag to collect the candy in. We set out and found only one house with a light on, and it was way down the street. We had jumped the gun a bit. So we turned around and killed some time before heading out a little more than an hour later. There were a few more lights on.

We went to the first house, rang the doorbell, and said trick or treat to the woman who opened the door. Carter tried to go in the house, and when she just offered a bowl of candy, Carter was quite confused. He didn't understand why we weren't going inside, and what was he supposed to do with a whole bowl of candy? We finally got him to take one piece and say thank you. He did want to eat it, so we gave him a bite and moved onto the next house.

By the fourth house, Carter had Halloween figured out, and he loved the idea. He would look to see if their porch light was on, run to the door and look for the doorbell, ring it as many times as he could before I pulled him away, and then wait with anticipation. He'd grab one or two pieces of candy, give his winning Carter smile, say thank you, and gallop (yes, gallop, a new trick of his) back to the sidewalk. He'd run to the wagon we had brought, throw his candy in as he ran by, and head to the next house. He loved every bit of it. He loved the Jack-O-Lanterns and would peek inside every one he saw. He loved the flashing lights people had set up in their yards. He loved meeting so many new faces. He probably couldn't have cared less about the candy part, other than he loved picking out what he wanted from the bowl.

When the night was finally over, he came in our house, and before doing anything else, he climbed up to the kitchen table and wanted to eat some more macaroni and cheese for dinner. Other than the one bite of candy he had at the first house, he's candy-free. All the worrying I did about how to limit his sugar intake and how I was going to get him to bed tonight, and here he just wants to eat more mac n' cheese. I'm not complaining.

I must say, this has been my favorite Halloween. I was never a big one for dressing up and going out when I was younger, so Halloween was never a big holiday on my list. But seeing Carter in his adorable dragon costume loving every little bit of Halloween, from the lights to the people, to the doorbell, I have found a new love for it. I'm already looking forward to next year.

Below are some pictures of Carter in his costume.

Carter's Birthday Present

2007-10-30T12:07:00.000-07:00

Carter's birthday is one week from today, and I have yet to buy him a present. I was sitting here thinking, how horrible a mother am I? I don't even care enough about my son's birthday to think of a gift, much less buy anything. But I realize that's not the case. Carter is fortunate enough to have grandparents and aunts and uncles that love him so much and want to shower him with whatever toys he might want. We as his parents are lucky enough to be able to provide the basics for him so that he doesn't want for simple things like clothes, good food, and a space of his own.

What I have realized is that it's not that I don't care enough to give him gifts, it's that the gifts that I want to give him are not things you can buy in the store. If I had a wishing well, I would wish the following for Carter for his birthday:

Know he is loved
Believe he can achieve anything in this world
Experience joy every day
Feel safe and trusting of everyone he depends on
See or do something new every day
Be full of wonder about the world we live in
Feel passion for life and what he chooses to do with it
Never want for life's basic needs

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wrap those sorts of things up and give them to our children to open? I only hope that in some little way I'm able to give these things to him each day.

catching up

2007-10-23T07:15:00.000-07:00

As many of you may have noticed, I have not written in awhile, and it's not for lack of things to talk about. It's more that life is so busy I have not had time to record and reflect. The biggest news, which many of you already know, is that I'm pregnant. Yep, due May 7. Perfect timing, too, because I'll have six weeks of maternity leave and then 7-8 weeks of summer before having to go back to work in August. What can I say? Mark and I are pretty good at timing. Anyway, so I've had quite the dose of morning sickness that, as soon as I begin to think is tapering off, returns full force. I'm also so tired that I have a hard time making it to 9:00 before going to bed. Between a husband, dog, 2-year-old son, a baby on the way, and a full-time job, I'm sure you can imagine what state our house is in.

But we've been having fun, too. Last week for fall break Mark's family came out and we drove to Moab, Utah and met up with my family. We saw some beautiful sights in Arches National Park, did some hiking, and some of us got to go canyoneering. It was also a great time for both sets of parents to be together since that hadn't happened since our wedding. Mark and I even had a night to ourselves because Carter had a sleepover with my parents. It was a treat.

In my free time I'm trying to get in as much climbing as I can because I know the time is rapidly approaching when I'll have to take a break from the sport for a few months. There have also been trips to the park since we've been having such beautiful fall weather, and lots of backyard playtime.

We're beginning to think about getting our house ready to sell in the spring since the bedroom layout isn't great for two kids. We're planning on taking off the wallpaper in the entire downstairs and then repainting, and also replacing the kitchen floor. We'll see how that looks and then go from there. Mark has some other grandiose plans, but I'd rather leave the house just presentable and do improvements on the next house. We're hoping to move up the hill somewhere near where we used to live, if you're familiar with our cabins. We want to still be commuting distance from my job because I really love what I do, and it's the only position of it's kind I know of.

I think that's a quick synopsis of what's going on here, and when I can, I'll write. Maybe I'll begin to have more energy second trimester and I won't feel like I'm living for bedtime. Hopefully, I won't go as long without writing, though, because I really do miss it for my own personal reflection and musing. Don't give up on me yet.

my own little fireworks show

2007-09-14T20:39:00.000-07:00

As I was getting ready for bed tonight, I filled up Winston's water bowl and happened to look out the window. Something caught my eye. Our house sits up on a hill, so we can see for quite a few miles, and it happened that somewhere in the area, there was a terrific fireworks display. I had a great, unobstructed view and just stood and watched. There's something so beautiful and indescribable about fireworks. And I got to thinking, that's what it's like to love your own child.

Everyone can tell you how great it is, how you'll be so amazed and changed and humbled, but it's really not something that can be described. People will sometimes ask me to tell them a funny story about what Carter's up to lately, and I try, but I know it never comes close to the actual experience. We recently got Carter a little grocery cart, and he absolutely loves the thing. He'll go around the house gathering up toys, his blanket, a cup of milk, anything, and pushes everything around in his grocery cart. It makes me giggle every time I see it. But, do you see? Telling the story makes it sound like such a non-event, something not even worth mentioning.

Here's another one: Carter likes to stay in the car in the garage after we come home, and he just climbs over the seats and pushes lots of buttons. I make sure to check on him every couple minutes, so tonight when he was playing around and I was peeking in, he accidentally leaned really hard on the horn and totally scared himself. He immediately dropped down into the driver's seat and looked around, trying to figure out what had happened, and seeing whether anyone was coming to tell him he was in trouble. I just stayed still with my head peaked in, and when he finally saw me, he smiled and sighed with relief, saying, "Beep, beep!" Again, a mediocre story, but the love I felt for him at that moment was overwhelming. He has so much curiosity, independence, and just plain-old cuteness that just makes me melt inside.

He's my little impromptu display of fireworks. I never know when he's going to put on a show that's going to leave me in awe and full of love and wonder, but I know the feeling I have will never be justified by description or explanation.

All in the Family

2007-09-10T19:37:00.001-07:00

Over Labor Day weekend I was in the wedding of one of my best friends, Nicole, from high school. Another good friend from childhood, Evie, was there as well, and the three of us enjoyed the festivities and hung out most of the weekend. I loved spending time with great friends and having some time to sleep in or just be. Other than my bridesmaidly duties, I had very few responsibilities and was able to just relax . . . sort of.

This trip was the longest time I have been away from Carter, and I was expecting it to be a welcome break from changing diapers and waking up at the crack of dawn. And it was. But I really and truly missed my family. Much more than I had expected. This trip made it clear to me who my family is now.

I think we all go through different phases of life and different people become a part of our immediate family. Early childhood, of course is, for most people, our parents and siblings. But middle school and high school it begins to shift to our circle of friends, those people with whom we share our most intimate secrets and the minutae of our lives. Going off to college signifies another change in family, a change to our roommates and classmates whom we live with and study near.

After I moved away from all the people that had constituted family up until a few years ago, my family became a hodge-podge of people, a mixture of all the family from my past: parents, sister, high school and college friends; and then Mark. Now that Mark and I are married and have our own child, my new family has solidified itself for now. It is very clearly Mark and Carter (and Winston). They are the ones I share my daily life with and miss if I'm away for more than a day or so. My life is inextricably linked to theirs, and the line between each of us is blurred.

In no way does my new family take away from everyone that's been a part of my family, but the direction my heartstrings pull is different. No longer do I feel lost without my circle of friends; I need them, but in a different way. The wedding weekend made me realize how important my current family is, and that a part of me will always miss them and want them with me. They are the ones I wake up for in the morning and look forward to spending my days with. They are the ones that are always in my thoughts.

The other day we were all taking a hike, and a woman who was walking looked at us and smiled, and then commented, "What a nice family unit!" A bit of an odd comment, but somehow it resonated with me and made me warm inside. We are a "nice family unit".

Childlike wonder

2007-08-25T21:11:00.000-07:00

Mark's parents came to town, so this weekend we got out and about in the area. We took Carter to Tiny Town, something I've always wanted to do, but have never had a reason to go. Carter loved peaking in the windows of the little houses and feeling so big. We also got to ride the train around the park. Here's Carter standing on the front steps of a house, and then lounging on the front porch of another.

Last night we went to the Rocky Mountain Balloon Festival (video) and it was magical. We brought a picnic and sat in the grass while we were surrounded by 25 or 30 hot air balloons being rolled out and inflated. Carter was entranced because he always spots the balloons on our way to work, and now he got to be up close and personal with these enormous balloons. After the sun set and all the balloons were inflated, they do something called a moon glow, where every few minutes they do a count down and all the balloons fire their burners at the same time. You feel like your a magical world for just a few seconds, surrounded by all the glowing balloons. Check these pictures out.

I felt that awe of a young child when the present seems to envelop you and take away thoughts of any other time and place. I was surrounded by the moment and felt such childlike amazement at what I was seeing. It was a meditative experience of sorts that leaves your soul feeling full and satisfied. I'm already looking forward to going back next year.

Life is Good

2007-08-19T19:55:00.000-07:00

I continue to love my job. I was talking with a friend the other day on the phone who asked what I actually do each day, and I couldn't really tell her. I could name some of the things I do some days, but I really don't have a regular set of things to accomplish each day. That used to be the hard part of my job, but I think that's what I like so much about it. I have embraced its ambiguity and have begun to enjoy the fact that I can define what I do, emphasize the things I do well, and push myself in the areas of less familiarity without feeling like I have outside expectations imposed upon me.

The climate of the school is also unlike anywhere else I have worked. It is one of the most supportive places I've been. I feel like every time I turn around someone is telling me how well I am fitting into my new position, and that their impressed at how I handle certain situations. I think it is less about me and more about how everyone realizes how a little reinforcement makes all the difference in the world. I say this because I hear positive comments all around me about many of the people I work with. As with anywhere, there are of course exceptions. But they're just that--exceptions.

As hard as it is to take Carter to daycare, I really do look forward to going to work each day, and having Carter in a place we are really happy with makes the whole task of balancing work and home that much easier. By no means am I "doing it all" (you should see the inch of dust that has accumulated on the shelves), but in some ways being a working mom is less difficult than I thought. Of course I wish I could have more time with Carter and make more money and have unicorns in our backyard . . . but you can't have everything. I feel like I've got what matters. Life is good.

Hybridalicious

2007-08-07T19:33:00.000-07:00

So we finally bought a car. A new car. I've never had a new new car. Even growing up, we've only ever had new used cars. It smells new. It looks new. It has less than 500 miles on it so far. Yesterday a bird pooped on it and I actually cleaned it off with spit and a napkin. It's not a fancy car with all the bells and whistles, but considering our other cars have at 150,000 miles on them, the fact that the windows all work and the antenna goes all the way up are pretty cool features.

We bought a Toyota Prius which, admittedly, makes me feel like I have a right to sit a little higher on my high horse. I feel like I am making that step towards having less of an impact on the environment. In reality, the car really makes sense for our family in just about every way, but I still feel like I can rationalize spending so much money on a new car a little more. We've been averaging 50 miles to the gallon, which is a great improvement over the Jeep (avg. 15 mpg), and the car does have some pretty cool enhancements, like a touch screen display for the radio, climate control, etc., a back-up camera, and a pretty great stereo. And did I mention the new car smell? The car makes annoying errands and driving across town not only tolerable, but enjoyable.

And the greatest part is, Mark and I both love it. It wasn't a purchase that just he wanted or that I thought we needed. We totally agreed on it. So we ride around together and talk about how cool it is and that we couldn't have bought a better car. I even got to surprise Mark with it. Last Saturday Mark was out of town in the Tetons, so I went to the dealership to just talk some financing because grandma came through with a little check that made it all possible. Of course, the dealer wanted to know how he could get me in a car that day. I told him, and he met my offer. So I went ahead and bought the car (Mark not even knowing about grandma's gift) and drove up in it Monday night after he came home. He was thrilled. It was so much fun to be able to do such a big surprise with very little hesitation. Mark's expression was priceless.

Here's our lovely new car. The Prius. You can almost smell it through the picture, can't you?

Out and about

2007-08-03T15:22:00.000-07:00

In an effort to feed parts of my starving soul that hadn't been given any sustenance for awhile, I have been trying to get out and get some "culture" in my life. (See What do you want?) It's amazing how easy it's been to find little things here and there that feel so nourishing. During five days off with Carter when Mark was out of town, we went to the Children's Museum, the Butterfly Pavilion, a concert at Hudson Gardens, and some live music in the park. Last weekend the whole family went to Buffalo Bill's Wild West Days and heard the Weary Boys perform. I thought that my appetite would eventually be satiated, but I was wrong. The more I get out and feel a part of the community and dance to live music, the more I want. Mark's gone again this weekend, and I feel a slight bit of desperation in finding something that will help subside this craving. Where's the free outdoor concert? Which museum has a special event I'd like to see?

Part of it may be my lack of a large circle of friends right now. One of my best friends, one who would love to join me in just the sorts of adventures I seek right now, moved back to Pennsylvania. And now that I've just changed jobs for the third time in two years, I'm in the process of building that network of work friends back up again. Being at an outdoor concert sharing the experience of music and dancing and enjoyment helps sustain me right now. And reminds me there are people out there who like to do the same sorts of things I like.

Carter's gotten to an age where he really enjoys going places, too. He just loves new faces and people to whom he can show his new dance moves and tricks. He was enchanted at the Butterfly Pavilion. I get so much joy from just seeing his face light up at new discoveries. He and I have become quite the cultural duo, scouting out local events and sights.

On the other side is Mark who gets anxious about all the people and worries how Carter will fit into the scene. So I am beginning to realize that some of the balance I've been looking for has been in my lap all this time. I just had to recognize it. Now when Mark's out of town or gone with friends doing something fun, I no longer look at it as being stuck at home having to be domestic. It's an opportunity to get out and do something that's not Mark's cup of tea. I finally see the cup as half full. What a world of difference perspective makes.

The weekend in pictures

2007-07-29T14:51:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted for awhile. Hopefully these pictures will make up for it. I just got a new camera and had fun using it. Here's a photo-sampling of our weekend.

Carter had fun at the park by our house.

Carter and I made blueberry muffins and licked the bowl.

Mark and Carter mowed the lawn. Notice the ear protection.
And the lawn mower seemed to be built with a special bar just at Carter's height!

We went to the Buffalo Bill Wild West days in Golden and heard some great live music.

The Weary Boys.

Did you make a difference today?

2007-07-16T20:25:00.000-07:00

What defines success? What makes us valuable? How do we measure our productivity? Having been a teacher for four years, I have measured success by educating a classroom of students for a year and seeing progress. I felt like I was making a valuable contribution to society and knew I had done my job. I could show the improved test results for all my hard work. My time was booked (and overbooked) to the minute, and I always had 10 things to do. I had a very definite schedule to stick to and knew exactly what was expected of me. Being busy meant I had lots of important things to do and what I did mattered to someone.

Not anymore. I am the RtI specialist for the school. A new position for the school and for the district. The person that will be supervising me has not yet been hired. My principal says we're still working through exactly what my job will be. In theory I will help screen primary kids, match interventions with kids below grade level in reading, support the teacher in implementation, analyze data, and help make instructional and programming decisions from there.

That's all well and good, but what do I do today? I don't have a set schedule. I won't be working with kids directly for any length of time. I haven't even met 3/4 of the teachers I'll be supporting, so it's not like we're discussing kids that need support yet.

So how do I know if I'm doing my job? I don't have any clear measure of success. I'm so used to having every minute of my day scheduled, so being able to plan a meeting for any time of day I want, or going to a training without having to write sub plans feels like cheating. Am I really accomplishing anything?

I know that as the school year goes on, I'm guaranteed to feel overwhelmed. I've already had many people tell me to watch out because teachers think I'm here to save them. What they don't know is I'm feeling as clueless as they are, just about different things.

So I continue to report to work every day and sit at my desk and act productive. I've been working on creating a chart detailing the reading interventions we have available so we can quickly refer to it when designing a program for a kid. Is it needed? Who knows. Will my work actually contribute to students' learning and success? I don't know and don't know if I'll ever know.

But, here's the thing: other than not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing, I somehow love my job. I look forward to seeing the people on my team in the morning. I like learning about interventions and how to implement them. I like my little office and the rose-scented lotion I keep at my desk. So maybe that's the success I should be celebrating right now. I am ripe for helping others because I'm in such a good mental place myself. And that's the first step.

What do YOU want?

2007-07-07T07:38:00.001-07:00

I'm reading the book "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I'm not very far into it but already love her style of writing and her personal way of connecting to the reader. At one point, when her life is sort of falling apart and she's going through a messy divorce, she begins to appreciate the little "compartments of time and space that were appearing in [her] days, during which [she] could ask [her]self the radical new question: 'What do YOU want to do, Liz?'" She starts out with little things like going to yoga class and buying a new pencil box, but she also ends up living in Italy, obviously a pretty major thing she wants to do.

This little snippet out of the book struck me and has me asking myself the same question. I think I do a pretty good job of not letting time just slip away from me doing chores and errands. We get out and do things quite often. But having a husband and kid make it so easy to want to do what will make everyone happy, what will work best for the group. And that's fine. But I think I need to do a better job about getting those little things I want. Like reading a good book or going to hear some good live music. Things that don't work well for everyone. Things I really have to make an effort to do. And world travel. That's a tough one to get in right now.

On the other side, though, asking myself that question reinforces just how much I already have what I want. I have a family that I love more than the world itself, I have a job that I (hope to) love, and breaks that allow me to spend time with my family and travel locally. I live in a place where I can do the things I love like camp and hike and climb. I don't have any major conflict in my life and have a very strong, wide-spread support network of people that can support me when things go south. So I think life is good. I have most of what I want. I feel full of what I need.

A day of days

2007-07-05T18:56:00.000-07:00

I had one of those days that you want to savor like a smooth, creamy, expensive truffle. A day to roll around in your mouth to taste every little bit of it. Mark, Carter, and I went to southwest Colorado with Laura (my sister) and her friend. I had found a hike online that supposedly went to some unmarked hot springs near a river. Our only directions, other than what trail to take were to "...look for hoofprints in the messy bog beside the river...pools like eight black beads along the shore by an archipelago of stones...."

We weren't sure if we'd find the springs with such vague directions and knowing that they could easily be dried up or flooded by the river. We set out to just enjoy a beautiful hike through the woods. But, sure enough, we came across a messy bog, hoofprints in the mud, and an archipelago of stones. Other than one other group that was leaving as we arrived, we had the place to ourselves. People had built up rocks to form pools, some of which were too hot to even go in. We planted ourselves in one pool with hot water trickling in to a pool also fed by the cool river water, and the contrasting temperatures gave the most refreshing, relaxing sensations. Here we are lounging in the pools.

With no expectations about what we would find, the day exceeded anything we hoped for. That evening we spent the evening going to the local 4th of July carnival with Carter, and his pure delight in going on the big slide and merry-go-round infected all of us. To top it all off, Laura, her friend, and I lounged in the local Pagosa Hot Springs Resort pools, the best (developed) hot springs I've been to. It was a day to remember.

The rest of the trip was great. We also took a 4WD trip through the mountains and over the continental divide. Below is a picture of a ghost town we visited on the drive.

It was great to have some time to spend with Laura in an amazing place before I had to return to work tomorrow. It's been a short but eventful summer with lots of adventure and memories.

More on my new job later.

Home Sweet Home

2007-06-26T19:53:00.001-07:00

As a teacher, I know I take summers for granted. I feel I am entitled to the 8 (or more) weeks off each year to recuperate from the past year and have some time to relax. I have never really thought much of all that time off, other than feeling like it helps justify my low salary. This year, however, because I am changing jobs and districts and calendars, I will have exactly one month off, during which we will have taken an extended camping trip, a 10-day visit to Washington, and a trip to Pagosa Springs, CO, returning the day before my new job begins on July 5. Needless to say, it's one of my fuller, shorter summers.

Having just returned from Washington yesterday and knowing we're leaving Saturday, I'm actually really glad I have these few days home to just be with familiarity. I love travelling and deal just fine with packing and unpacking, but it's nice to not be living out of a suitcase or backpack. Inspired by some recent pictures delivered by Kodak, I've actually pulled out some of my scrapbooking stuff to catch up on the past year. I wouldn't have guessed that I'd want to be doing such a labor-intensive, sedentary activity, but I think I need some time to just reflect and sit. A break from planning and packing and going. I think it is being actively still, as oxymoronic as that sounds.

I can tell Carter was ready for a break from travelling too. He has had to adjust to sleeping in four different locations this past month, not an easy task for a little guy just learning to go to sleep on his own. This morning, he also seemed especially interested in some of his toys, like they were long-time friends he hadn't seen in awhile. Even Mark, who always likes to be on the go, appeared to take a little more pleasure in puttering around than he usually does.

I think I'm going to grab I nice big glass of red wine and see if I can get through a few months worth of pictures. Cheers to appreciating a little time at home.

Washington adventures

2007-06-21T08:19:00.000-07:00

Mark and I are now in Washington visiting my parents and having a blast. We started out the trip on the boat for a couple days with Carter. A mobile kid really keeps you on your toes when your in 300 feet of water.

You'll notice Carter has a tether attached to his life jacket so he doesn't fall overboard, and the life jacket's a little snug around his cheeks!

Sometimes he'd tolerate it, and other times, the whole apparatus was just a little too much for him.

Carter still thinks he's pretty cool, though. Especially in sunglasses. He put these on himself.

Carter and "Papa" (Carter's name for grandpa) keep up their oral hygiene, even on the boat. Don't want to have bad kissing breath!

Mark and I got some good snuggle time while "mimi" and "papa" took care of Carter.

After our boating adventure (and Carter going green for a short time during some rough water), Mark and I set out for our own trip. We planned a backpack/climbing/mountaineering expedition in the North Cascades National Park while my parents watched Carter. After we got to the ranger station, however, it turned out the road to our trail had washed out, so with 50lb packs we had to hike an additional 2.5 miles each way. The trail was also quite challenging, often having to climb hand over foot because it was so steep. Here's Mark climbing through a tunnel of trees.

The scenery was absolutely gorgeous, though. We saw a black bear, avalanches, and evidence of why it's called the cascades. There are these beautiful waterfalls everywhere. You can see them here in the background.

We got to Boston Basin, sort of the base of our rock climb, to set up camp. I've never slept in such a beautiful setting. It was so pristine and untouched. I felt as if I had found the top of the world where no one else had ever been.

We camped that night pretty near where I'm standing, and woke up to beautiful blue skies and warm weather. But I just couldn't do it. I was so physically worn out, I knew I'd never make it up a jagged peak and then make it all the way down to the car. I'm definitely not in the great shape I used to be in. So we enjoyed our view and then hiked back down. Two days later, I'm still in pain. Meanwhile, Mark's gearing up to climb Mt. Rainier with a friend tomorrow. I'm still working on climbing the stairs.

Anyway, we're having a great trip so far, and I'm looking forward to some quiet time around town with my parents and Carter while Mark's gone. We've talked about going to a lavender farm and an earth sanctuary (some sort of meditative, relaxing place). I think those plans are more my speed considering my aching quads. Hopefully, I'll be up for the long walk through the airport by the time we leave on Monday!

Worth all the effort

2007-06-13T07:18:00.000-07:00

We just got back from camping at Buffalo Creek this weekend, and all the planning and hemming and hawing was totally worth it. We even ended up staying an extra night because we were having such an awesome time. It still was pretty "stuff intensive" as you can see in the picture. Definitely not the lightweight backpacker mode of years ago.

We broke down and even bought camp chairs. Carter got a little one just his size, and he loved it.

Winston and Carter loved just playing in the grass. Carter loved to climb into the holes that Winston dug.

We also found some great bike trails that we could take the trailer on. Carter loved watching the scenery go by and would inevitably fall asleep.

We did a lot of just hanging out. My favorite part.

He also helped with some bike maintenance.

Overall, it was a great trip with great weather. Carter loved it and so did we.

How did it get so complicated?

2007-06-07T20:13:00.000-07:00

Mark and I have been talking about going camping with some friends of ours this weekend. We've been camping with them many times before and have gotten pretty good at picking a place and being ready to go within a few hours. We've gotten good at being spontaneous. That is, until kids. They have a 6-week-old, and we have Carter and Winston. This weekend's trip planning went something like this:

Tuesday: Propose trip with maps and book descriptions of climbing route for Dave and Mark and kid-friendly campsites for Kelly, Erin, and kids.

Wednesday: Continue discussion of logistics and how former weekend plans can be rescheduled.

Thursday: 15 calls back and forth regarding weather. Failed attempts at reserving a campsite. Decide that destination is too high in altitude anyway. 15 more calls about other possibilities that are low in altitude and warm, near a 14er with a good snow route, not too far a drive, and not too crowded. Decide the trip isn't worth it. Reconsider. Call back. Finally, Mark and Dave pick a mountain to climb Saturday and then will meet Kelly and Erin at new campsite. Assign cars and passengers.

On the schedule for Friday: Grocery shop, laundry, pack, weld picnic table, shop for camp chairs, pick up bike at the shop.

Somehow, we have taken a four hour process from idea to departure and turned it into a grueling marathon of phone calls, scheduling, and weighing options. I think we'll get better at the whole routine, but it definitely takes practice and experience with a little one. I'll let you know how the trip goes and whether it was all worth it.

Here's a picture of Carter at his first attempt at camping almost a year ago. Hopefully this time will be cleaner, too.

Saving

2007-06-04T08:53:00.000-07:00

Everyone has strange little quirks. Little things that make us unique. For example, my aunt doesn't like lots of water, in the sink, for instance. But as easy as it is to see other people's eccentricities, it is all the more difficult to see our own. And then we begin to wonder if we even have any quirks. Maybe we're one of the few normal people out there. But deep down we know there's something. It's just a matter of finding it.

The form of my quirk is slowly beginning to take shape in my mind. I'm beginning to realize I do have that little something that makes me special. I'm a saver of little random things, usually consumables. Mark calls it hoarding. I had never really thought much about it until recently as I've been trying to slowly clean out our house. For example, I have sample Clinique facewash tubes that I've been saving for that perfect trip where I'll need a tube just that size. But I've had the tubes for at least 10 years now. I know because they have an "E" in permanent marker on them, something Laura and I used to do to keep our stuff straight. That was before I went to college. I'm thinking facewash has a pretty long shelf-life, but not that long.

A few weeks ago I was cleaning out a binder to use for work and came across about 10 sheets of notebook paper. Without thinking, I put the paper in a folder and put it back in my desk. The average person would throw it out. But I think of the unneeded trash that I would be creating. The paper's perfectly good. Not wrinkled. Holes in tact. But it's ten sheets of paper. And it's from high school. I know I'm not going to use it any time soon.

What really drives Mark crazy is my need to save food. I'll save three bites of leftover macaroni for that time when I really need a snack and don't feel like fixing anything. Mark tells me it's 10 cents worth of pasta, but that's not the point. It's the effort that went into it and the waste if I threw it out. It finally really hit me when I had put a sippy cup back in the fridge with less than an ounce of milk in it. It's that little bit that can't even be drunk because of how the cup works. Mark asked me why I didn't just put it in the dishwasher. I had no good reason, but I know that in the back of my mind I was thinking, you could just pour some more milk in there later and then that milk wouldn't be wasted.

I wonder where this strange quirk of mine came from. We weren't poor when I was growing up. We had everything we needed and then some. It's this spartan part of my personality that maybe gives me a sense of control and goodness, maybe like when people fast and feel virtuous. Maybe its roots are in my dad's mom who grew up in the depression and tries to make use of everything, and give away the things she can't. She'll often offer me empty nut containers or canned goods that she couldn't make use of. I think how odd that is, and yet, in my own way, I do the same thing.

So one of my recent goals is to let go of those unused and unneeded things. I recently filled a trashcan with old makeup samples and free cosmetic bags that I've never used. And I get a different sense of virtuosity from it. A sense of freedom and pride that I don't need so many material things. Granted, I'm giving up things that I never used in the first place, but it's the letting go that's important. With my cabinets and closets less cluttered, my life also feels more spacious and open. Funny how such little things can make such a difference. I did end up throwing out those 10 sheets of notebook paper.

Natalie's Wedding, NC

2007-06-01T12:57:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I went to my first wedding of a friend. I had only really known what the process was like from the inside, hosting my own wedding, so it was fun to be a guest and bridesmaid and see what the process is like. From just this wedding I already have things I wish I would have done differently at my own. Too bad I'll only get married once. Anyway, I got to spend some awesome time with another friend from college, Noelani. We had such a great time reconnecting, and it reminded me that weddings are as much about the people attending the wedding as they are about the people getting married. Below are some pictures from the weekend.

Here we are checking into the hotel. Noelani thought it was the perfect photo op:

The rehearsal dinner. I don't think we look too bad considering we had about 20 minutes from the time we checked in to the hotel to the time we were getting picked up!

In our fairy princess dresses at the end of the night.

I left my camera in NC, so these are all pictures Noelani sent me. Hopefully I'll have some more in a few days when my camera is returned. Stay posted!

P.S. For those of you complaining that you couldn't leave comments without signing in, I've fixed that so anyone can leave a message. Just keep 'em clean!

The little things in life

2007-05-20T19:43:00.000-07:00

This weekend Mark was out of town, so it was Carter and I on our own. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but it was supposed to be beautiful weather and I was in a good mood, so I was determined to have fun. And I did. This weekend was not about conquering any major life goals or having major adventures to tell about. It was about enjoying the little things in life. Saturday morning, I put on Raffi (a kid's CD that I listened to when I was little, so I knew all the words) and made cookies. I sang at the top of my lungs, and Carter did his best to follow along. We danced and jumped and twirled in the living room. Between the singing and the dancing, we made and ate chocolate chip cookie dough. You would have thought we won the lottery at 6:30am this Saturday. We were the two happiest souls in that living room. Here's a picture of Carter getting his first taste of cookie dough.

We also had lots of people over to eat, something I enjoy doing when I have the time to prepare and have a clean house. We had "the grandmas" over for lunch on Saturday, and we had a lovely time eating out on the deck. It made me proud to be able to have them over in my house on the deck Mark built with the little boy I'm raising. One of my best friends, Amy, also came over for one of the last times because she is moving to PA. Carter even gave us the gift of taking a two hour nap so she and I could have some time to talk. Lastly, we had our friends Dave and Kelly over tonight for dinner, and they have a new baby. After dinner I had a chance to hold Wyatt, and as soon as he was in my arms, Carter broke down. I've never seen him show jealousy before, but it was as clear as if he said it. It made me wonder what it will be like to eventually have a second kid. Not easy, I'm thinking.

Since Amy finally showed me how to post pictures, I have a few other precious ones to share with you. They show some of those little things in life not to take for granted. Mark may not approve of one (I'm sure you can guess which) but it's just too cute to keep to myself.

This is Mark teaching Carter just how fun sitting on the toilet can be if you've got something good to read.

Mark and Carter fiddling with the grill.

A time to...

2007-05-15T10:28:00.000-07:00

Warning: The following is highly philosophical and full of relationship-speak. Do not read if in search of light-hearted humor.

On our "hot date" at the Breckenridge Brewery last night, Mark and I had quite a deep conversation, during which we began discussing the dynamics of relationships and how people's personalities can be influenced by them. Being the teachers we are, Mark came up with the graphic organizer of a Venn Diagram, and I jumped right on board. Basically, we concluded that people have many characteristics that show themselves at one time or another, and we highlight those based on our current circumstances. For example, when we are dating, we highlight the ones we have in common with the other person, the overlapping part of our circles in our Venn Diagram. We feel so in sync and like-minded with the other person. It's not faking who we are; it truly is a matter of emphasizing certain traits.

However, we can't ignore all those other traits that make us up. Stress, life changes, or a new environment might coax out those other characteristics. Let me tell you, an addition to the family certainly does. Necessity of domesticity when having a baby forces my organized, on-task, schedule-loving self out of hiding and to the forefront of my personality. My free-spirited, LNT, let's-be-spontaneous self gets shoved to the bottom of the bag. That self hasn't left completely, but it's definitely not in the spotlight.

So, after all that philosophizing, venn diagram drawing, and analyzing, what's the point? The point is, how do we maintain relationships based on common traits when the common traits aren't highlighted by our current situation? As Mark and I have talked about, it's not the things we do that we have in common; those are just our avenues to whatever makes us click. So how do we find new avenues to those same ends? That's the question, I guess. Not just for us, but for everyone in a relationship, whether it be friendly, familial, or romantic. When life changes, how do we change to maintain what we have, but in a new way?

Let me know if you've found the magical solution.

This song kept running through my head as I was writing. Maybe the answer's in there somewhere.

To every thing, turn, turn, turn
There is a season, turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven
A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything, turn, turn, turn
There is a season, turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven
A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together

To everything, turn, turn, turn
There is a season, turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven
A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing

To everything, turn, turn, turn
There is a season, turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven
A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time to love, a time to hate
A time for peace, I swear it's not too late

Dust dust, sweep sweep

2007-05-11T07:56:00.000-07:00

Today is a pensive day. I spend much of Friday at work getting lessons ready for the next week. I have lots of time at my desk to be productive, but the most productive thing I seem to do is think. After the tornado of a week I've had, I tend to drift into reflection. I open my computer to write a lesson and find myself posting here. It's becoming my therapy, my confessional. It feels like house-cleaning for my spirit. Recording my soul's struggles feels like dropping off a big load of stuff to Goodwill. It leaves me with more space and a twinge of virtuosity.

One of my favorite authors of the moment is Anne LaMott. She has written a variety of books, but my favorite work of hers is autobiographical. She is so honest and true to herself. She speaks of the dark parts of herself that I would be afraid to let anyone see. I saw her speak at a local bookstore recently, and I wondered how she doesn't just blush with the knowledge that everyone in the room knows about her (not-so-)secrets. It gives me courage to at least want to do the same. I'm not ready yet, but maybe one day. I try to justify it by thinking that it would be easier in a book when it's all lumped together, not strung out paragraph by paragraph in multiple entries.

Thoughts on marriage is one of those things I need to clean out of my soul closet. I think there is still this antiquated mentality that what goes on in your marriage should stay between the two of you. Admitting it's hard or that you have to work at it or that it not all daisies and roses is a sign of failure. Any sort of complaint is registered with the gossip police as "they're having problems," not, "they're totally normal and there's no news to report." Mark and I are fine. Fine as any other normal couple out there, but that doesn't mean there aren't hard parts.

For instance, I thought it was hard trying to share responsibilities with my sister when we were growing up. We'd fight over who had to clean the bathroom and whose turn it was to feed the dog. That was nothing. We had the higher powers of mom and dad to step in and mediate. They told us who had to do what and what would happen if we didn't. We'd fight about it and then it'd be over. Now there's none of that. Couples have to act all grown up and civilized. There's no one around telling us we'll lose TV for the week if we don't do our chores. We have no other motivator but ourselves to share the load and get things done. Because Mark and I don't see eye to eye on what chores are important to do when, we are constantly compromising and trying to accommodate the other person. Sometimes I just want to be four again and stomp my foot and throw a temper tantrum. Maybe we need to just call each other "poopy faces" and be done with it.

Another ponderance deep down is parenting. Of course you hear a million times that being a mom is the hardest thing you'll ever do. And yes, that's true, but not one bit in the way I thought it would be. I really don't mind the diaper changing and financial burden. I've felt pretty confident with decisions I've made that will affect Carter long-term like discipine and day care. The hard part is to not forget that part of myself that existed before Carter and before marriage. The responsibilities of home and husband and kid seem to push away that carefree part of me. I have always been great at making lists, being organized, getting things done. Being spontaneous and impulsive fit in the spaces between. But with more "grown-uppy" stuff in my life, that little kid's voice inside me gets harder to hear. I notice I have to make more of an effort to listen to that quiet, innocent voice. What came so naturally before requires more mindful attention and effort. It's finding that balance between enjoying the moment and and not feeling like my life is out of control (a messy house can do that to me.)

I think that might be enough mental house-cleaning for now. It wasn't anything major, certainly not a metaphorical couch or desk, just a few knick-knacks here and there that needed to be taken to Goodwill. Maybe it's one step farther in being true to myself and getting to know who I am as I evolve with life. I think I feel a little better now.

The Roller Coaster

2007-05-11T06:47:00.000-07:00

For the past week, Mark and I have been riding the house-hunting roller coaster. Sunday morning we innocently decided to take Winston and Carter for a walk in the woods near where we used to live. It's an area we love and would love to move back to, but there's never anything for sale, much less in our price range. Well, we just happened to drive by a great house right on the creek that was for sale. Even though we thought it would be way out of our price range, we thought we'd just call to see. Our former realtor answered and even recognized us. The house was much lower priced than we thought, so we set up a showing for that afternoon. And we fell in love with the place. It seemed so serendipitous that it was meant to be.

And that's when we boarded the roller coaster. We began talking about making an offer, then found out someone already had and were in the process of going under contract. Then the contract fell through but we found out about foundation problems. During all of this, Mark and I are trying to learn about how to sell our house while under contract with another house. An "offer with a contingency" entered our vocabulary. We learned about bridge loans and first right of refusal. We had a comparative analysis done to estimate what we could get for our house and became fluent in using the mortgage calculator. We crunched numbers and tried to figure out what our income would be when I start my new job. And we worked on scheduling showings at other comparably priced properties in the area. Did I mention this was all done over three days? With full-time jobs and a toddler? Oh, and WInston got sprayed by a skunk on Wednesday.

So, after all that, we finally decided it was too much of a risk too far out of our price range with too little information. After feeling like the house was slipping through our fingers as other people were preparing to make offers, we finally let it go. It was sad to feel like we were giving up an opportunity that wouldn't come along again, but a bit of a relief to not wonder whether we were rushing in too fast without all the facts.

But of course, now that we've started the process, it's hard to stop. I already have another house I want to look at and have begun thinking about what we need to do our house to get it ready to show. But I think we'd both like to wait until we know what my salary will be (kind of an important unknown) and know we'll be in town for awhile (we're out of town for what feels like most of June). We'll see. I think we've stepped off the roller coaster for now, but we're already in line to ride it again soon.

beyond climbing

2007-05-04T10:13:00.000-07:00

Mark and I are coming to the realization that dragging Carter along on everything we want to do may make us not want to do it. For example, we've tried taking Carter with us to celebratory dinners at semi-nice restaurants. After chasing Carter around the place and doing everything we can to get three bites in our mouths before Carter's bored, we end up wishing we could have done drive-through at McDonald's. Climbing, to some extent, has become one of those instances.

The great thing about rock climbing is you pretend you're exercising and doing something hardcore, when really you're just going to lounge in the sun with friends and maybe climb a route or two every once in awhile. Bringing a baby along on an outing like that totally changes it. It's like taking a field trip through a war zone. There are ropes to trip on, pebbles to slip on, and cacti to sit on. It's not quite the relaxing trip you originally set out for. Again, you begin to dream of McDonald's and that great kid-proof playland they've got.

Not having a ton of people to go out climbing with on my own, I went on Craigslist, the resource for absolutely everything, and found a girl who had posted looking for people to climb with. On Thursday after work I met her and some of her friends in Golden (a local sport-climbing mecca). It was great. I had no responsibility other than the climber on the other end of my rope. I climbes some hard routes I've never tried before. I talked with some people who are going mountaineering in Peru next month. We discussed the financial and social situation in Venezuela. I learned about a non-profit organization that helps employ people with barriers.

I'm learning that I really have a need to be around new people who expose me to new ideas and who do not already know everything about me. Of course I wouldn't trade my family and good friends for anything, but a little change every once in awhile is a good thing. It makes me appreciate what I have and also piques my interest about things I had never thought about before. I don't think Mark and I have resigned ourselves to spending every date at McDonald's with Carter, but I'm glad I've found a way to do some carefree climbing. It lifts my spirit.

A breath of fresh air

2007-05-01T11:41:00.000-07:00

This weekend was absolutely gorgeous...record-breaking temperatures, colorado blue skies, the first great weekend of the season. Mark and I made all sorts of plans earlier in the week to take advantage of the weather. And then Carter came home sick on Friday. Full out sick with a fever of 103.5, runny nose, looking miserable. So Mark and I had to take a deep breath and revise our weekend plans.

Since we had bought a bike trailer for Carter earlier in the week, we decided to take Saturday to pull together the biking project. Mark's new bike with fancy disc brakes wouldn't accommodate the trailer attachment, so Mark took some time to weld together a modification (which works beautifully, I might add). Mark refused to be seen with me on my bike that has been vandalized with white paint, white lightning he calls it, so we also fixed up Mark's old bike for me to ride, complete with new seat, handle grips, and tire. We did have a bit of a debate over pedals...$9 plastic ones or $40 metal ones...I never even knew there was a difference and was happy with plastic, but Mark felt there was no reason to skimp. We compromised by putting on my pedals from my other bike until I found some clip-in cycling shoes.

By about 5pm the project was done and we were ready to roll. With Carter in his trailer attached to Mark's bike, and I on my new and improved set of wheels, we were off. (Winston flipped us off from the front window, saying not only have we taken away his backyard, now we're not even taking him with us on our outdoor adventures. We may as well put a gun to his head.)

We turned our tires toward Bear Creek Lake Park, a beautiful Open Space/Park just over the hill from us. It was about 75 degrees and that beautiful time of night where the sun's rays are partly blocked by the mountains, so the light's a bit softer. The faint breeze and smooth-riding cart gently swayed sick Carter to sleep. Mark and I relished in finally getting outside TOGETHER without having to constantly worry whether Carter had found some nightshade to eat or a mountain lion to play with.

We tentatively rode past the turn-off we had agreed to take if Carter hated the whole thing and set our sights on Willy's Wings. We made it all the way there without a single snafu and spent much of the ride concluding that the bike trailer had solved most of the world's problems...or at least our problem trying to get outside together with Carter in tow.

It was one of those delicious moments in life where you feel like something from above is shining down on you and giving you a chance to regain that belief that life is good. Mark and I actually got to eat a meal without chasing Carter (one of the few benefits of a sick kid--he's content to just sit in your lap and be) and just enjoy the scenery. I felt like every breath rejuvenated me and gave me one more ounce of energy to deal with what life throws at you. It was an evening to remember.

The knitter

2007-04-27T10:57:00.000-07:00

My current job is to help teachers transition through the changes in the special education laws and to support students who are below grade level. From what I've seen at this school, everyone works pretty hard. People stay late, everyone participates in school activities, in general people just look busy. That is, except the knitter.

Since I came to the school mid-year, I work on a section of a long strip of desks occupied by myself, two other teacher's assistants, and a Title One (poor school support) teacher. The knitter is the Title I teacher who sits next to me. She's a rounder woman in her late 50's with an expression that makes you want to offer her some stool softener. Officially, her posted schedule looks very full and busy. To the untrained eye, it would appear that she works with multitudes of students with a few prep times blocked in. Um hmm. Well, in reality her times with groups are quite often cut short because "it's a good stopping point" or the student seems "a little off task and unproductive". And her prep times? Her teaching includes setting students up on the computer or teaching from a very perscriptive program. There is no preparation needed.

So my desk neighbor spends her days knitting. She puts on her reading glasses, pulls out her latest project, and knits. She's finished an entire sweater this week. No joke. One day, her supervisor was here and asked the knitter to look over something he was writing. As she sat there knitting, she told him it was her break time, and she doesn't let other people make her work during that time; it would never make a difference to anyone anyway. The supervisor just sat there with the most flabbergasted look on her face.

So as kids fall further and further behind in school (and come to me for help), she knits. She knits scarves, gloves, sweaters, hats and who knows what else. Maybe her knitting will eventually make it to one of the kids she should be helping. Maybe in some homeless shelter an undereducated guy who used to go to this school will be given a hand-knit hat and be kept warm. He'll probably be thankful to have it, never knowing the irony.

Who runs this house anyway?

2007-04-25T11:09:00.000-07:00

This past weekend Mark and I took the daring domestic leap of deciding to reseed our backyard in attempts to turn our mudpit/dustbowl into something that resembles the lush green carpet on the fertilizer bag. After unsuccessfully attempting to kill our field of weeds, Mark rented an aerator and was dragged all over the yard by the machine with a mind of its own. He then spread the seed and fertilizer, and gave the whole thing a final coat of peat moss. Then we watered the hell out of it.

Besides having to constantly water, you'd think such a project wouldn't have much of an impact on our daily life. That's where you're wrong. See, we have our dog Winston who thinks the backyard is his domain. But we know he'll destroy all of our painstaking work if we let him out to patrol. So we tie him to a tree in the front when he needs to go outside. He doesn't get it. He goes outside, looks around, wants to come back in, and makes a beeline for the back door to show us what he really wants. He whines and whines, not understanding why he can't go out. Monday we were finally able to calm him down by taking a walk. He did pretty well after that.

Tuesday was a different story. Colorado is a pretty fickle weather state in spring, so those mountains decided to send us buckets and buckets of rain Tuesday. Great for the growing grass, not so great for the dog. Winston didn't want to go outside and pee in the front because it was raining and he hates to get wet. After finally forcing him outside because we were so sick of the whining, Mark and I made several attempts at putting Carter to sleep (more on that in another posting) and finally got him down.

We let Winston back in the house and were reminded just how wound up he gets when he's wet. He covered us with wet dog spray. Then he ran laps around the living room, setting off half of Carter's toys with lights and music, and created an all-out ruckus. Between the disaster of a backyard, Carter who has us wrapped around his adorable pudgy finger, and the crazed dog, Mark and I looked at each other and asked, "Who runs this house anyway?"

What's a blog?

2007-04-25T10:37:00.000-07:00

Less than a year ago I remember reading in Newsweek something about blogs they recommended, and I thought, "What's a blog?" Well, I finally found out that it's a weblog but then wondered, "What's the point? Who really sits around reading other people's blogs? And who thinks their life is important enough that other people will read their musings and misadventures?"

But I find myself reading my good friend Amy's blog quite often. I look forward to her learning about her latest trips and how much fun moving isn't. Today I even clicked on some of her links and started reading the blog of one of her friends, a girl I've met a few times but don't really know on any intimate basis. And then it started to click. Who reads blogs? I do. Whose life is worth reading about? Everyones, maybe even mine.

So, with a fear of commitment, I begin my first blog entry (if that's what it's even called.) Will I really be able to keep up with it? What if I quit? I'm already afraid of my writing not being good enough, of my topics being boring, but most of all, of it becoming something that will creep onto my to-do list. And I do not need anything more on that list of endless tasks. But I'm willing to take the oh-so-mighty risk of beginning to blog.

Can blog be used as a verb? Maybe I'm not ready. I don't even know how to use the word.