Childlike wonder

Mark's parents came to town, so this weekend we got out and about in the area. We took Carter to Tiny Town, something I've always wanted to do, but have never had a reason to go. Carter loved peaking in the windows of the little houses and feeling so big. We also got to ride the train around the park. Here's Carter standing on the front steps of a house, and then lounging on the front porch of another.

Last night we went to the Rocky Mountain Balloon Festival (video) and it was magical. We brought a picnic and sat in the grass while we were surrounded by 25 or 30 hot air balloons being rolled out and inflated. Carter was entranced because he always spots the balloons on our way to work, and now he got to be up close and personal with these enormous balloons. After the sun set and all the balloons were inflated, they do something called a moon glow, where every few minutes they do a count down and all the balloons fire their burners at the same time. You feel like your a magical world for just a few seconds, surrounded by all the glowing balloons. Check these pictures out.

I felt that awe of a young child when the present seems to envelop you and take away thoughts of any other time and place. I was surrounded by the moment and felt such childlike amazement at what I was seeing. It was a meditative experience of sorts that leaves your soul feeling full and satisfied. I'm already looking forward to going back next year.

Life is Good

I continue to love my job. I was talking with a friend the other day on the phone who asked what I actually do each day, and I couldn't really tell her. I could name some of the things I do some days, but I really don't have a regular set of things to accomplish each day. That used to be the hard part of my job, but I think that's what I like so much about it. I have embraced its ambiguity and have begun to enjoy the fact that I can define what I do, emphasize the things I do well, and push myself in the areas of less familiarity without feeling like I have outside expectations imposed upon me.

The climate of the school is also unlike anywhere else I have worked. It is one of the most supportive places I've been. I feel like every time I turn around someone is telling me how well I am fitting into my new position, and that their impressed at how I handle certain situations. I think it is less about me and more about how everyone realizes how a little reinforcement makes all the difference in the world. I say this because I hear positive comments all around me about many of the people I work with. As with anywhere, there are of course exceptions. But they're just that--exceptions.

As hard as it is to take Carter to daycare, I really do look forward to going to work each day, and having Carter in a place we are really happy with makes the whole task of balancing work and home that much easier. By no means am I "doing it all" (you should see the inch of dust that has accumulated on the shelves), but in some ways being a working mom is less difficult than I thought. Of course I wish I could have more time with Carter and make more money and have unicorns in our backyard . . . but you can't have everything. I feel like I've got what matters. Life is good.

Hybridalicious

So we finally bought a car. A new car. I've never had a new new car. Even growing up, we've only ever had new used cars. It smells new. It looks new. It has less than 500 miles on it so far. Yesterday a bird pooped on it and I actually cleaned it off with spit and a napkin. It's not a fancy car with all the bells and whistles, but considering our other cars have at 150,000 miles on them, the fact that the windows all work and the antenna goes all the way up are pretty cool features.

We bought a Toyota Prius which, admittedly, makes me feel like I have a right to sit a little higher on my high horse. I feel like I am making that step towards having less of an impact on the environment. In reality, the car really makes sense for our family in just about every way, but I still feel like I can rationalize spending so much money on a new car a little more. We've been averaging 50 miles to the gallon, which is a great improvement over the Jeep (avg. 15 mpg), and the car does have some pretty cool enhancements, like a touch screen display for the radio, climate control, etc., a back-up camera, and a pretty great stereo. And did I mention the new car smell? The car makes annoying errands and driving across town not only tolerable, but enjoyable.

And the greatest part is, Mark and I both love it. It wasn't a purchase that just he wanted or that I thought we needed. We totally agreed on it. So we ride around together and talk about how cool it is and that we couldn't have bought a better car. I even got to surprise Mark with it. Last Saturday Mark was out of town in the Tetons, so I went to the dealership to just talk some financing because grandma came through with a little check that made it all possible. Of course, the dealer wanted to know how he could get me in a car that day. I told him, and he met my offer. So I went ahead and bought the car (Mark not even knowing about grandma's gift) and drove up in it Monday night after he came home. He was thrilled. It was so much fun to be able to do such a big surprise with very little hesitation. Mark's expression was priceless.

Here's our lovely new car. The Prius. You can almost smell it through the picture, can't you?

Out and about

In an effort to feed parts of my starving soul that hadn't been given any sustenance for awhile, I have been trying to get out and get some "culture" in my life. (See What do you want?) It's amazing how easy it's been to find little things here and there that feel so nourishing. During five days off with Carter when Mark was out of town, we went to the Children's Museum, the Butterfly Pavilion, a concert at Hudson Gardens, and some live music in the park. Last weekend the whole family went to Buffalo Bill's Wild West Days and heard the Weary Boys perform. I thought that my appetite would eventually be satiated, but I was wrong. The more I get out and feel a part of the community and dance to live music, the more I want. Mark's gone again this weekend, and I feel a slight bit of desperation in finding something that will help subside this craving. Where's the free outdoor concert? Which museum has a special event I'd like to see?

Part of it may be my lack of a large circle of friends right now. One of my best friends, one who would love to join me in just the sorts of adventures I seek right now, moved back to Pennsylvania. And now that I've just changed jobs for the third time in two years, I'm in the process of building that network of work friends back up again. Being at an outdoor concert sharing the experience of music and dancing and enjoyment helps sustain me right now. And reminds me there are people out there who like to do the same sorts of things I like.

Carter's gotten to an age where he really enjoys going places, too. He just loves new faces and people to whom he can show his new dance moves and tricks. He was enchanted at the Butterfly Pavilion. I get so much joy from just seeing his face light up at new discoveries. He and I have become quite the cultural duo, scouting out local events and sights.

On the other side is Mark who gets anxious about all the people and worries how Carter will fit into the scene. So I am beginning to realize that some of the balance I've been looking for has been in my lap all this time. I just had to recognize it. Now when Mark's out of town or gone with friends doing something fun, I no longer look at it as being stuck at home having to be domestic. It's an opportunity to get out and do something that's not Mark's cup of tea. I finally see the cup as half full. What a world of difference perspective makes.

The weekend in pictures

I know I haven't posted for awhile. Hopefully these pictures will make up for it. I just got a new camera and had fun using it. Here's a photo-sampling of our weekend.

Carter had fun at the park by our house.

Carter and I made blueberry muffins and licked the bowl.


Mark and Carter mowed the lawn. Notice the ear protection.
And the lawn mower seemed to be built with a special bar just at Carter's height!


We went to the Buffalo Bill Wild West days in Golden and heard some great live music.

The Weary Boys.

Did you make a difference today?

What defines success? What makes us valuable? How do we measure our productivity? Having been a teacher for four years, I have measured success by educating a classroom of students for a year and seeing progress. I felt like I was making a valuable contribution to society and knew I had done my job. I could show the improved test results for all my hard work. My time was booked (and overbooked) to the minute, and I always had 10 things to do. I had a very definite schedule to stick to and knew exactly what was expected of me. Being busy meant I had lots of important things to do and what I did mattered to someone.

Not anymore. I am the RtI specialist for the school. A new position for the school and for the district. The person that will be supervising me has not yet been hired. My principal says we're still working through exactly what my job will be. In theory I will help screen primary kids, match interventions with kids below grade level in reading, support the teacher in implementation, analyze data, and help make instructional and programming decisions from there.

That's all well and good, but what do I do today? I don't have a set schedule. I won't be working with kids directly for any length of time. I haven't even met 3/4 of the teachers I'll be supporting, so it's not like we're discussing kids that need support yet.

So how do I know if I'm doing my job? I don't have any clear measure of success. I'm so used to having every minute of my day scheduled, so being able to plan a meeting for any time of day I want, or going to a training without having to write sub plans feels like cheating. Am I really accomplishing anything?

I know that as the school year goes on, I'm guaranteed to feel overwhelmed. I've already had many people tell me to watch out because teachers think I'm here to save them. What they don't know is I'm feeling as clueless as they are, just about different things.

So I continue to report to work every day and sit at my desk and act productive. I've been working on creating a chart detailing the reading interventions we have available so we can quickly refer to it when designing a program for a kid. Is it needed? Who knows. Will my work actually contribute to students' learning and success? I don't know and don't know if I'll ever know.

But, here's the thing: other than not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing, I somehow love my job. I look forward to seeing the people on my team in the morning. I like learning about interventions and how to implement them. I like my little office and the rose-scented lotion I keep at my desk. So maybe that's the success I should be celebrating right now. I am ripe for helping others because I'm in such a good mental place myself. And that's the first step.

What do YOU want?

I'm reading the book "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I'm not very far into it but already love her style of writing and her personal way of connecting to the reader. At one point, when her life is sort of falling apart and she's going through a messy divorce, she begins to appreciate the little "compartments of time and space that were appearing in [her] days, during which [she] could ask [her]self the radical new question: 'What do YOU want to do, Liz?'" She starts out with little things like going to yoga class and buying a new pencil box, but she also ends up living in Italy, obviously a pretty major thing she wants to do.

This little snippet out of the book struck me and has me asking myself the same question. I think I do a pretty good job of not letting time just slip away from me doing chores and errands. We get out and do things quite often. But having a husband and kid make it so easy to want to do what will make everyone happy, what will work best for the group. And that's fine. But I think I need to do a better job about getting those little things I want. Like reading a good book or going to hear some good live music. Things that don't work well for everyone. Things I really have to make an effort to do. And world travel. That's a tough one to get in right now.

On the other side, though, asking myself that question reinforces just how much I already have what I want. I have a family that I love more than the world itself, I have a job that I (hope to) love, and breaks that allow me to spend time with my family and travel locally. I live in a place where I can do the things I love like camp and hike and climb. I don't have any major conflict in my life and have a very strong, wide-spread support network of people that can support me when things go south. So I think life is good. I have most of what I want. I feel full of what I need.