Dissonance

Winter break officially started yesterday afternoon, and I can feel myself in a state of dissonance, too scattered to focus on any one thing for very long. I am anxious for my family to come to town in a day or two and want my house to look festive, clean, and tidy. Not because it's expected but because I am more at ease when I'm not thinking about the unswept kitchen floor.

But my mind keeps wandering back to my last day of work, remembering the few loose ends I wasn't able to take care of and will be waiting when I return in two weeks.

Then there's the planning for these precious days we have off, even more precious because we have possible babysitters, meaning that we could potentially do some of those things that we can't afford to do with a sitter because they're too time consuming. But these activities have to be balanced by the time spent with those visiting. My time with them is precious, too.

But my children always pull me back to the present. Carter needs a cup of milk, a story to be read, a snack to be made. Cameron's ready for a nap, a new toy, to nurse. I am reminded that I can think and plan and worry all I want, but now is now. I need to pace myself and be present, pull my mind away from the past and future, into what's happening around me.

I need to ground myself and find my rhythm, synthesize everything that's in my head into a steady beat that moves me forward, not a cacophony that scatters and spins me.

So I sit here and write in an attempt to quiet my mind, perhaps even empty some of what is in it. Writing calms me and centers me, helps me sort through my thoughts and refocus on priorities. I feel less grinding of my gears already. I am able to think and see more clearly. Deep breath. Let the holidays begin.

Bliss

I have been on fall break for almost a week now, and I've gotten lots done and had gobs of quality time with the kids. However, Mark was out of town this weekend, worked this week, and has been gone a few of the past nights, so I've been doing the parent thing largely on my own.

Wednesday night after Mark had been out climbing and called to see if he could go to dinner with his friend, he asked, "By the way, how are things going there?"

I responded with a sigh, "Well, you know, it's day five of me and the kids." In the back of my mind I knew I still had the rest of the week days on my own, and then again this weekend when Mark will be in charge of entertaining his friend who's coming in to town.

Without hesitation, Mark suggested he take Thursday off from work so I could go do what I wanted. He said I could come and go and do what I needed to feel like I was getting a break. I jumped at the opportunity.

I didn't do anything spectacular, a couple hours shopping with birthday money and a great new yoga class I found. We had to go to grandma's to install a disposal, plans that had already been made, so I was mom again for a few hours.

But it was such a rejuvenating day. It was freedom I hadn't felt in such a long time. It was less about what I did and more about the fact that Mark took away much of the guilt I often have when I leave everyone. I had no reason to feel like I was missing out on precious kid time because I had already had several days and knew I had another week and a half with them. And Mark wasn't having to give up on something fun in order for me to leave. Just a day of work. But most of all, Mark suggesting my leaving and therefore made me feel like I had his "blessing" to go.

It's amazing the difference the mental part plays in my feeling "released" and therefore more refreshed. The day was less about what I did and more about my ability to really enjoy my time alone.

Slow day at work

Today is Friday, a day where there are often not many people in my department here, and I frequently have my office to myself. I had one meeting this morning, and now I only have really long term projects to work on. I'm having a bit of a hard time getting motivated, so I'm taking a quick minute to share some fun pictures with you. I took them with something called Photobooth on my Mac, so the resolution isn't great, but not bad for a computer camera.

This first one is one Carter and I took a few weeks ago. I love how angelic and child-like he looks. I can't believe this beautiful boy is my son.

I finally got around to taking a belly picture today. As you can see, I'm standing in front of my office door, and I was so afraid someone was going to walk by and wonder what I was doing. I'm now a little over 31 weeks along. People keep telling me how small I look, but I certainly don't feel it. I want to tell them to try lugging around the extra 30 pounds I've put on, most of which tries to tip me over all day. And yes, that is a temporary outty belly button you see.

Just a silly picture. This is how Fridays alone in my office makes me feel!

This one is to remind you that I haven't gone completely crazy. I can look normal if need be.
Okay, seriously. I've got to get back to work. No more goofing around. Only one and a half hours left.