Dissonance

Winter break officially started yesterday afternoon, and I can feel myself in a state of dissonance, too scattered to focus on any one thing for very long. I am anxious for my family to come to town in a day or two and want my house to look festive, clean, and tidy. Not because it's expected but because I am more at ease when I'm not thinking about the unswept kitchen floor.

But my mind keeps wandering back to my last day of work, remembering the few loose ends I wasn't able to take care of and will be waiting when I return in two weeks.

Then there's the planning for these precious days we have off, even more precious because we have possible babysitters, meaning that we could potentially do some of those things that we can't afford to do with a sitter because they're too time consuming. But these activities have to be balanced by the time spent with those visiting. My time with them is precious, too.

But my children always pull me back to the present. Carter needs a cup of milk, a story to be read, a snack to be made. Cameron's ready for a nap, a new toy, to nurse. I am reminded that I can think and plan and worry all I want, but now is now. I need to pace myself and be present, pull my mind away from the past and future, into what's happening around me.

I need to ground myself and find my rhythm, synthesize everything that's in my head into a steady beat that moves me forward, not a cacophony that scatters and spins me.

So I sit here and write in an attempt to quiet my mind, perhaps even empty some of what is in it. Writing calms me and centers me, helps me sort through my thoughts and refocus on priorities. I feel less grinding of my gears already. I am able to think and see more clearly. Deep breath. Let the holidays begin.

Nesting

Nesting has set in. It’s one of those quirky things that happens to pregnant ladies near the end of their pregnancies where cleaning and tidying and preparing become the sole mission. There aren’t too many things left that we humans feel and can so clearly identify as instinct, but this is one of them.

Yesterday I found myself wanting to rearrange our bedroom and vacuum under the bed. Cleaning the fridge also seems to be at the top of my to do list. And this weekend I spontaneously decided to scrub the bathtub, something I despise doing. Yep, there must be a baby on the way.

I’ve also noticed that lately I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about how I can rearrange the clothes in the dressers in Carter’s room (which also hold all my clothes) to accommodate the baby’s things. I still have at least 5 weeks until I’ll be full term (and 8 until I’m due) but somehow the need to have clothes in the proper drawers is paramount to all else.

I’m sure I had this same compulsion when Carter was on the way, but it was not as noticeable because I didn’t work the last month before he came, and it felt like something to do to fill the time. There was also the excitement of having all new stuff, whereas this time it’s just gathering the same things together. I just had more time the first time around, so I wasn’t sacrificing some of the essentials to get things done. Last night I had a hard time pulling myself away from vacuuming to eat dinner. But I can just feel my inner instinct screaming, “There’s so little time and so much to do. You’ll never get it all done!” The funny thing is, it’s not a feeling of panic, but more like an incredible burst of energy (a rarity at this stage) that helps to accomplish the impossible.

Interestingly, the house is nowhere near clean. The kitchen floor is a disaster, and the downstairs bathroom hasn’t been cleaned in weeks. There’s only a small niche of tasks that seem to fall into the, “need to get done NOW” category, and they all somehow relate to our new arrival. The baby won’t be laying on the kitchen floor (hopefully) so there’s no reason to clean it, right?

I actually feel that, with a few small exceptions, we’re pretty ready for this baby. At least as far as chores and stuff goes. Now, our mental state and sleep reserves, well, that’s an entirely different matter.