2009

We are at the brink of a new year, and I can feel the weight of all that brings with it. Hopes and expectations and ponderings clutter my head. Rather than create a list of resolutions that I know I will never keep, and will therefore result in disappointment, I instead choose to lay on the table a list of possibilities, probabilities, roughly sketched goals, and other ponderings. This is what tumbles out at this hour:

1. Neater closets
2. Less cluttered desk
3. Two children who will sleep through the night
4. Carter in pre-school
5. More reading for pleasure
6. More free time outside
7. A vegetable garden in the backyard
8. A girls' trip with my sister and mom
9. Less time picking up toys
10. Learning to play a new song on the piano
11. Less worry about others judging me
12. Focus on the joy, not obligation, of giving gifts
13. Forgiving myself for the parenting mistakes I will inevitably make
14. Trad leading at least a 5.8 (climbing jargon)
15. Cameron walking and learning his first words
16. Finally feeling like my body is really mine for the first time in four (!) years
17. Giving away more junk to Goodwill (this complements number 1 nicely)
18. Carefully choosing my battles, and being confident in my decisions
19. Living the philosophy of the serenity prayer
20. Learn to cook a new favorite dish
21. Eat more vegetables
22. Eat more fresh, unprocessed food
23. Model the act of giving on a regular basis for my children
24. Find time for more yoga
25. Accept that I will not meet all my expectations for 2009, and that's okay

There are the 25 that seem to come to mind at the moment. What thoughts float around in your head on such a day? Cheers to a new year.

Dissonance

Winter break officially started yesterday afternoon, and I can feel myself in a state of dissonance, too scattered to focus on any one thing for very long. I am anxious for my family to come to town in a day or two and want my house to look festive, clean, and tidy. Not because it's expected but because I am more at ease when I'm not thinking about the unswept kitchen floor.

But my mind keeps wandering back to my last day of work, remembering the few loose ends I wasn't able to take care of and will be waiting when I return in two weeks.

Then there's the planning for these precious days we have off, even more precious because we have possible babysitters, meaning that we could potentially do some of those things that we can't afford to do with a sitter because they're too time consuming. But these activities have to be balanced by the time spent with those visiting. My time with them is precious, too.

But my children always pull me back to the present. Carter needs a cup of milk, a story to be read, a snack to be made. Cameron's ready for a nap, a new toy, to nurse. I am reminded that I can think and plan and worry all I want, but now is now. I need to pace myself and be present, pull my mind away from the past and future, into what's happening around me.

I need to ground myself and find my rhythm, synthesize everything that's in my head into a steady beat that moves me forward, not a cacophony that scatters and spins me.

So I sit here and write in an attempt to quiet my mind, perhaps even empty some of what is in it. Writing calms me and centers me, helps me sort through my thoughts and refocus on priorities. I feel less grinding of my gears already. I am able to think and see more clearly. Deep breath. Let the holidays begin.

Winter's Here

We spent Monday evening in Cherry Creek North admiring the newly unveiled, high-ranking Christmas window displays, and then drinking hot chocolate. It was one of those magical nights where the lights are brighter, the air is crisper, and cheeks are rosier than usual. Such a spur-of-the-moment outing that will hopefully be a yearly tradition.

On Wednesday, Mark and I had the day off from work and for the sake of getting some good "couple" time in, we took the kids to daycare and headed to Lincoln Falls for some ice climbing. The weather was perfect, the ice was in, and the kids were taken care of. We got three good routes in. Tromping around in the snow and ice really made me realize that the winter spirit is here, even if not the official winter season.

I'm getting excited about digging out the Christmas decorations and transforming the house for Carter and all of our visiters that will be coming in to celebrate. I say, bring on the blizzards, bring on the snow. My arsenal of hot chocolate and comfort foods is ready and waiting.

Giving Thanks

This thanksgiving we decided to stay home and enjoy being together with just our family. Upon Mark's suggestion, we made all the traditional thanksgiving dishes, knowing that we would be the only ones who would have to suffer if we messed anything up. The dinner actually turned out delicious. We rated it an 8 compared to other grandmas' 10 dinners. Not bad.

Mark took charge of doing the turkey. We used the oven bag but Joy of Cooking's recommendation to "roll" the bird every half hour.
We gave thanks for our wonderful day together. Carter's still getting the idea of the whole holiday. I just love this picture from this afternoon.

Cutie Cameron and other miscellaneous photos

I've had some requests for some more Cameron pictures. It's funny because I actually take more pictures of him, but I seem to post more of Carter. So, below are some miscellaneous pictures of the boys, with plenty of Cameron. There's even a rare family photo of us. We're in Idaho Springs in the hot springs pool. Enjoy!

Carter's Birthday

Carter's birthday party on Saturday was a great success. He had lots of fun and loved the attention. Here is a story of his birthday in pictures.

Carter excitedly waited all morning for his friends to come over.

He waited patiently to eat his cake and looked longingly at it many times during the day.

It was a lion cake to go along with the jungle theme. What it lacked in appearance it made up for in home-made deliciousness.

Carter and his friends had fun decorating their favor bags with jungle stamps.

Meanwhile, the babies socialized with each other.
Carter opened lots of presents. He loved the dragon castle with its trap door, treasure, and boulder.

Cameron pretended to be Medusa with some of Carter's snakes.

And the helicopter was great. He loved all the noises it made.

Finally, it was cake time. Carter's eyes lit up when we all started singing. He still likes to sing Happy Birthday to himself a few times a day.


Carter and Mark enjoyed sharing a piece of cake.

It was a great party. Happy third birthday, Carter.

Cause for Celebration

If I titled every week of my life, this week’s title would be celebration. Each event is so so notable and remarkable for me that I wanted to include them in separate posts. So keep scrolling. Keep reading. Keep celebrating.

Climbing

To start the week out, Sunday Mark and I got our first, bona fide, official, complete with hourly rate, babysitter. Not to go to a wedding or attend a funeral or see a movie or do anything that was obligatory or scheduled. We went climbing. This is the activity that first brought Mark and me together, and how we fell in love. There is something metaphorical about climbing and building a relationship—the trust that the climber and belayer have to have, their reliance on each other, their physical connection by way of the rope, the natural inclination to shout words of encouragement. Climbing always brings us back to the roots of our relationship where we are our truest, most playful selves. We return to our life of house and marriage and children renewed and reconnected to each other. It’s that shot of energy to our relationship that helps to sustain us through trying times. Did I mention it was a record-breaking, gorgeous, sunny day with cloudless skies? Just icing on the cake.

Change we can believe in

Tuesday night Mark and I sat glued to the TV, celebrating every state the turned blue, cheering as if we were watching our favorite team score points leading to winning the superbowl. We brushed off the red states and tried not to let them get us down. We were fighting for a winning team. Or at least we hoped so. Then, in silence, on the screen came what looked like a billboard with the words, “Obama, 44th President Elect, 2008.” We looked at each other with wide eyes. Was this a commercial? Wishful thinking? Another political advertisement? No. It was that moment. That moment in history that I will always remember. Right up there with them memory of the Berlin Wall coming down. The announcer came on and let the country and the world know that the race had been called. Barack Obama would be the next president of the United States. When Mark and I finally found words, we reflected on what an amazing time in history our children would be growing up in. Carter would see a black man as president and think nothing of it. I rejoiced that my boys would grow up in a country where someone who was something other than old and white and a war hero could be president. My heart filled with hope and pride.

A Visitor

Tuesday night, really Wednesday at 1am, one of my best friends in the world came to visit. Noelani, a close friend from college had some time off, so she and her boyfriend flew out to see Colorado. She’s one of those rare friends with whom you feel you can do anything or nothing, but you know it will be fun. We can stay up late giggling about nothing over a bowl of pudding. I can tell her anything without fear of being judged or criticized or dismissed. Thought of these next four days, with nothing specific planned, still make me giddy with excitement. It almost feels like getting to hang out with Santa Claus for a few days. It’s that good.

Happy Birthday, Carter

Today is Carter’s third birthday. He has been talking about it for months, and it’s finally here. (Although he still said this morning, “My birthday’s coming!”, not quite understanding that it’s actually today.) This is a big one. It’s the first birthday he’s actually been anticipating and will be celebrating. The past two have really been more about us and our celebration of his life, but this year he gets to take part. He gets to begin to understand that we are celebrating his life and our love for him. Last night felt like Christmas Eve for me, secretly wrapping presents and eagerly anticipating the morning.

This morning I had put some presents of the table, and when Carter saw them, he said with amazement, “Presents?”, as if he wasn’t quite sure if they were for him or whether he could touch them. By 6:30am, he had unwrapped two books, a shape shorter, three race cars, and a race track. Not bad considering the sun hadn’t even come up yet.

As a child, you don’t recognize that celebrating your birthday is as exciting for the parents as it is for you. Now as a mother I realize that this special day is also about celebrating the beginning of our family. The day I became a mother and Mark and I became parents. It’s as much a “mother’s day” as it is Carter’s birthday. I catch myself smiling today for no reason other than the joy of this special day. Happy Birthday, Carter.

Who's Santa?

Carter and I were listening to some Raffi, a children's musician from my childhood, in the car this morning. A song about Santa came on:

Carter: What's that song?
Me: It's about Santa.
Carter: Who's that?
Me: He comes to our house on Christmas.
Carter: Why?
Me: To bring presents.
Carter: He's a good guy, huh.
Me: Yes, but he only brings presents to boys and girls who are good.
Carter (in a hushed voice of wonderment): How come?
Me: Because they have tried hard to do what's right, so Santa wants to give them something special.
Carter: Oh. (Long pause) I'm good, mommy?
Me: I think you usually try to do what you're supposed to.
Carter (with conviction): Yep.

I love this age where Carter is learning, making sense of the world, and trying to understand how he fits into it all. We have a lot of conversations like this, him wanting to know how and why things happen. It is such a reminder that we are born knowing nothing, and that we have learned everything we know. It sounds obvious, but it is easy to take for granted until you spend each and every day with a little boy who is so actively learning about the very fundamentals of his world. He makes me see something through new eyes constantly.

Carter exploring the fountain at Denver Botanic Gardens

Your gut

We have been struggling with the childcare issues for six months now. The week before Cameron was born, our daycare lady, whom we love, told us she was going to start searching for a nursing position and would stop doing daycare as soon as she found a new job. I spent the four months of maternity leave and summer searching for the right person. I didn't have certain criteria or unreasonably high expectations. Just someone that would care for our children and give them the love we could not while we were working. A place that would stimulate them and support their needs.

We finally found a woman we'll call "Julie" a couple weeks into August and started with her by the end of September. The first day I dropped off the kids at her house, I was a bit anxious and just kept telling myself that I was having a hard time with the transition. As days went on, when people would ask how things were going with Julie, I would tell them everything was fine, but we don't love her like we did the last person. I found myself questioning what Julie was telling me about the kids and wondering if there was more she wasn't saying. Mark and I both didn't have a great feeling but couldn't put our finger on why.

Two weeks into it, Carter made some comments that, along with other things we knew, basically indicated that Cameron had been taken to another person's house while Carter had gone somewhere with Julie. Yes, he's only two years old, but all the details fit together and it seemed plausible that had actually happened. Between our icky gut feelings and this new piece of information, Mark and I felt like we couldn't stay another day with Julie.

We told her we wouldn't be returning and headed back to the drawing board to start another search for childcare. I was discouraged and disheartened, wondering if we would ever find someone else.

Within three days we interviewed someone we liked. She was right around the corner from my school and had a great setup. Today is day four with her, and the kids seem happy. I have no reservations in the mornings about dropping them off and don't wonder whether there's something she's not telling me. I can breathe easy.

Other than the final bit of information Carter gave us about Julie, we didn't really have a concrete reason to leave. Something just wasn't right. We wondered whether it was right to leave her with no "good" reason, but then realized that following our instincts really is the best reason of all.

Our current person doesn't do anything notably different than Julie or have incredibly better qualifications. There's just that sense we have that our kids are happy. They're well-cared for and loved while we aren't there.

Putting my own kids in daycare is one of the hardest things I've done, and finding the right person makes it or breaks it. It is such a leap of faith to leave them with someone and know it is the best thing for them. But now my head is clear. I think we've found our provider.

This interview is what got me thinking about just how important our gut feelings are.

Joyful Journey

For my birthday I had requested from Mark to plan a short family trip for us. We don't often pay to stay places, so that would be a treat, and having someone else plan a trip was a gift in itself. Mark enlisted the help of his students and found Joyful Journeys, a delightful hot springs getaway. He booked us to stay in the yurts, something totally new to me. I was excited when we set out this past Thursday, but a little apprehensive just because I had such high expectations for it.

The past three days have been some of the best days we've had as a family. Things went smoothly, and the rhythm just seemed right on. It was just us, so we had no one else's agenda to fit into, and we could do what felt right at the time without external constraints. The weather was absolutely gorgeous, and the kids were in good spirits, likely feeding off Mark's and my concurrent happiness.

We soaked often in the crystal clear, untreated waters, and they even had a pool that was cool enough for Carter. We also went to the Great Sand Dunes National Park, a place I had been before with 60 of my students, so it was a whole different experience with our small group of four. The Alligator Farm, a highly touted attraction in the area was another of our planned day trips. It turned out to be quite an odd place, more like your weird aunt Betty's backyard where she keeps odd animals that happen to come her way.

On our last morning there, I even got to take a two hour yoga class because there happened to be a yoga retreat there for the weekend, and the instructor let me drop in to a class. It was quite different than many other classes I've taken, and refreshing for that reason.

The one downer for the trip was my camera that got dropped in the sand and is not functioning at the moment (hence, the lack of accompanying pictures). Hopefully, some of the links will make up for the visuals.

The past three days far exceeded my expectations. Again, it was less about what we did, and more about how we were able to enjoy our time together as a family. It reminds me that these years with itsy bitsy kids can be trying, but that it doesn't have to be all hard, and that it does get easier. This trip reminded me how very much I really love the little family we have created. I feel so complete. These past few days truly were a joyful journey for all of us.

Bliss

I have been on fall break for almost a week now, and I've gotten lots done and had gobs of quality time with the kids. However, Mark was out of town this weekend, worked this week, and has been gone a few of the past nights, so I've been doing the parent thing largely on my own.

Wednesday night after Mark had been out climbing and called to see if he could go to dinner with his friend, he asked, "By the way, how are things going there?"

I responded with a sigh, "Well, you know, it's day five of me and the kids." In the back of my mind I knew I still had the rest of the week days on my own, and then again this weekend when Mark will be in charge of entertaining his friend who's coming in to town.

Without hesitation, Mark suggested he take Thursday off from work so I could go do what I wanted. He said I could come and go and do what I needed to feel like I was getting a break. I jumped at the opportunity.

I didn't do anything spectacular, a couple hours shopping with birthday money and a great new yoga class I found. We had to go to grandma's to install a disposal, plans that had already been made, so I was mom again for a few hours.

But it was such a rejuvenating day. It was freedom I hadn't felt in such a long time. It was less about what I did and more about the fact that Mark took away much of the guilt I often have when I leave everyone. I had no reason to feel like I was missing out on precious kid time because I had already had several days and knew I had another week and a half with them. And Mark wasn't having to give up on something fun in order for me to leave. Just a day of work. But most of all, Mark suggesting my leaving and therefore made me feel like I had his "blessing" to go.

It's amazing the difference the mental part plays in my feeling "released" and therefore more refreshed. The day was less about what I did and more about my ability to really enjoy my time alone.

F...aaaaaahhhhhh.....ll Break

Aaahhhhh.......that is the big sigh of relief and release I am letting out now that I am officially on fall break. Two weeks of no early morning meetings or rushing to daycare or packing a lunch or wishing I had more time in the day to wear all the hats I sport in a day.

This week Mark is still working, so I have the gift of time to catch up on life and feel like I am on top of it (or at least sort of keeping up). I have to keep reminding myself that I don't have to get everything done in a day. Today we focused on a few key errands and rotating toys from upstairs and downstairs. Already Carter is more interested in the play area with toys that have not been enjoyed for a few months.

Today was cold and rainy, so much so that I finally broke down and turned on the heat for the season. It wasn't exactly the beautiful crisp, fall day that I was hoping for to begin fall break, I decided to make the best of it, so I rented a movie and even got to watch it.

I'd like to make it to the zoo one day this week and check some more things off my to-do list, but I'm trying to stay open so that, even with two kids in tow, I can still feel a bit spontaneous and see what I'm in the mood for as the days come. This fall break is all about attitude, and so far I've gotten off on the right foot.

The second week of fall break Mark is off too, so those days will have a totally different rhythm to them. We've got plans for many of the days already, including a few days away with the family, a trip I got for my birthday and am very excited about.

Oh, and for those of you who were involved in the daily drama of daycare the past few weeks, we have left the last "new" person due to all sorts of fishy things, but mainly just a bad gut feeling. And we've already found someone new! We did one day with her last week that went great, so that's a huge load off my mind that will help me enjoy these next two weeks that much more.

Right now I'm drinking a glass of wine on the couch while both boys sleep soundly. Cheers to this much-needed time off.

serenity

I have been working on ways to get a little me time every once in awhile, and one of the most rejuvenating things for me is a hike in the woods. Above is a picture of a gorgeous afternoon where I got out by myself (with Winston) and could just walk and think and breathe. The sunlight was streaming through the trees and some of the aspens were just starting to turn. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day.

I am living more and more by the mantra that I can't be a good mom unless I am good to myself, too. These weekend afternoons are the boost I need to not only get through but enjoy this stage of life with my kids. Look how sweet they are!

New Duds

I thought it was about time for a blog overhaul. New color scheme. And that picture at the top? I took it in Yellowstone. Pretty cool, eh? I'm still waiting for another picture of me to post. I always seem to be the one behind the camera. Let me know what you think of the new look!

Why there is a God

"Where dat come from?"

"Why?"

These are Carter's two favorite questions right now. For everything. For anything I say, he responds with one of these two questions, and as fast as I can answer him, he asks again for the answer I've given. Here's a sample conversation:

"Mommy, what doin'?"
"I'm taking the trash out."
"Why?"
"Because it's full."
"Where dat come from?"
"Well, when we throw lots of things away, it fills up the trash."
"Why?"
"Because things take up space."
"Why?"
"They're made of something called matter. That means they take up space."
"Where dat come from?"

This is where I get stuck. Where does matter come from. And it all started with taking out the trash. I've tried explaining the history of the universe, the big bang theory, the structure of an atom. I've tried cycling through simple answers a two-year-old will understand.

Now I understand the simple answer, "God," that so many people give. No wonder people believe in God. He's that final answer in the end that stops the cycle of questioning. Maybe I'll find my faith after all.

Yellowstone in Pictures

I love the above picture because it is so unstaged and innocent. Last Saturday morning sleep seemed to visit daddy and Cameron at the same time. Cameron kept giggling in his sleep. I wish I had audio to include.

The rest of the pictures below are from our trip to Yellowstone over Labor Day weekend. It was a long drive but worth it. I had never been before, and it was such a great place to take little kids because there were boardwalks everywhere that were stroller-friendly. We saw some amazing geologic formations. I'm also excited about these pictures because I'm learning how to enhance them through iPhoto. Let me know what you think!

Mark and Carter looking in awe at the steam and blue water. Mark was giving Carter a very scientific explanation of it all.

Near Old Faithful. It was such a beautiful day.

Old Faithful going off, right on time. It was a pretty incredible sight.

Carter and Cameron, trading seats in the stroller. Carter has been so lovey towards Cameron. I've loved seeing the two of them together.

The amazing blue water. They say it's often hotter than boiling point because of the immense pressure. Pretty cool.

This too shall pass

Right now my life feels so very full that it’s beginning to stretch at the seams, the individual threads that hold it together are visible and strained. Those little threads that contain the weight of my days and nights are vulnerable to the slightest abrasion that could slice through the fibers, and it all could come tumbling down.

I am trying just to maintain right now, not take on too much or go too fast. Be gentle with myself and try to do the same for others. The Jewish phrase, “This too shall pass,” rings true with me right now, regarding both the lovely and the irksome. I feel surrounded by this dichotomy right now, cherishing the quiet moments with Cameron and his baby smell, and breathing through the long days of working and mothering and “wifing” with little time for myself.

“This too shall pass” has become my mantra recently, to remind myself to enjoy the little moments in life because they will soon be gone, and to let go of many of my worries, because they are only temporal. Do not rush through these days; there will be time for other aspirations and desires. What I have now is worth embracing with every atom of my being.

The Mask of Motherhood

Yesterday I got together with two friends who have kids the same ages as Carter and Cameron. It was the first time all three of us have been together with all of our kids. The conversation started out with the standard, "How is your baby sleeping? How is the older sibling handling it?" etc. But slowly, comments about some of the common mother struggles we're dealing with began to come out. Like, how it can be exhausting to be a mother and wife in the same day. And that our kids actually annoy us sometimes. And that some part of us is actually looking forward to returning to work. But as each of these admissions was made, the confessor would follow it with some comment like, "I must be the worst mother in the world," or, "Isn't that terrible?" rather than assuming that such negative thoughts and feelings are totally normal.

In my experience it seems mothers are expected to love and smile at every aspect of motherhood, and to not like part of it is some sort of failure. We don't openly discuss the moments we don't like; it's only in hushed intimate conversations that we admit such things. Why is that? We easily express our frustrations with work, with in-laws, even with spouses to an extent, but for some reason being a parent is different.

Everyone says that being a mother is the hardest, best job there is. But it has become such a cliche phrase that it's lost its meaning. Becoming a mother is so easy--one passionate night--that the difficulty of successfully raising a child doesn't even fall on the same scale.

I continue to urge myself to be honest and open about motherhood and not put on the smiling supermom mask that disguises when I'm struggling. Expressing my true, unfiltered feelings almost always results in someone else nodding along and sighing in relief that she's not alone, either. In this way stronger bonds are made among mothers and we each feel a little less alone. A little more normal. A little more forgiving of ourselves as mothers.

Picture Recap

Below are some pictures from our summer adventures. I had a hard time choosing just a few from the hundreds we have. Two kids really necessitates lots of photos.

We went camping with some friends and the two kids, and even got some climbing in. Carter got to try out his new harness that he had gotten for his birthday, and Cameron was happiest swinging in the tree (I'd insert "Rock A Bye Baby" here if I knew how.)


This is the beginning of our summer yard project. We first took out a huge dying cottonwood tree that was just to the right of the bobcat. We then wanted to add a brick walkway. When the sand and gravel was delivered, the driveway cracked, so that led to the project of pouring a new driveway.

Here, most of the brick walkway has been laid (a very tedious job!) and the driveway is ready to be poured. Soon I'll post pictures of the finished project.

Cameron smiles all the time now, and I just love it. Here's when he first started smiling. Carter loves to lay a blanket on the floor and have me lay Cameron next to him. Then they chat on the floor in their brother language.

One of our favorite summer places is on the hammock. Cameron's almost guaranteed to fall asleep, and it's a rare moment when Carter is actually still. As you can see, clothing is optional at our house when it's hot.

The boys sleeping in. I love this picture because it's an absolute rarity in our house to have this many people sleeping at the same time, much less in the same room. Of course, on this morning we had to be somewhere at 8:30, so I had to wake everyone up right after I took this picture.

Here's Carter at the Space Needle during our visit to Washington (see previous post). He kept looking up at it and saying, "What's that called?" He was in awe.

"Mimi" and Carter on the beach by my parents' house. I think we adults were as excited for Carter to see the beach as he was. We all kept running up to him and saying, "Look at this! Look at this!" He would try to acknowledge our excitement by picking up whatever it was we were showing him, make an interested face, and then throw it to the ground.

He took on the role of patient parent while we excited children were looking for his reaction.





We took a hike with kids in tow through some old growth forest to an amazing waterfall. Look at the tree behind us!

We went strawberry picking near my parents' house, and Carter loved it. He would pick strawberry after strawberry and eat them. Carter's showing off one of his finds.

Here's another picture in Seattle Center where we taught Carter what "killing time" meant. He kept saying the phrase as if he was really trying to understand.

So that's our summer in a nutshell. Lots of fun, lots of projects, and a little relaxing. Overall, a great time.