Playing Nice: Addendum

A quick addendum to yesterday’s post:

Last night we went swimming again, and Carter found a little girl named Erika to play with. We went through the routine of Carter asking her name, and my telling him to ask her and tell her his name as well. Names were exchanged, and the rest of the night, she referred to him as Tater and he called her Kylie, and they both responded to each other as if those had been their names all along. Erika’s dad and I attempted to clarify with our children the other’s name, but it was unsuccessful, and really, it didn’t matter. Tater and Kylie got along just fine without us.

Playing Nice

We have discovered discounted Tuesday nights at the rec center, so I have been taking Carter swimming. It gives him a chance to get out and be active, and he and I get some quality time because Mark stays home with Cameron.

It's also a place where there are community toys, children, and lots of opportunities for turn-taking, sharing, and interacting. Carter just loves any kids that will play with him. He immediately begins referring to a playmate as "my friend", and then proceeds to initiate play in any way he can. He asks me questions like, "What's her name?" and I have to tell him to go ask, and to tell her his name too. Once he finds out what he's looking for, he always turns back and smiles at me, satisfied that he now has a name to call out.

Having a young child who is learning the rules of play and social interaction reminds me on a daily basis that although we are naturally social beings, we often need to be taught the conventions that our society has established to play nice. It's one of the countless lessons that falls on the list of parent responsibilities.

It's interesting to me that Carter is aware that there are social rules, but that he acknowledges he doesn't always know them. For example, he'll say to me, "I want her boat," but indicates he doesn't know what to do. I tell him that he could offer to trade toys, and he'll do so, once again proud that he was able to get what he wanted in such a successful way.

A side note on all of this is that the adults of these children learning social rules also have to come to a common understanding of what we are going to guide our children to do. For example, if Carter wants another child's toy, but the other child doesn't want to share, then we parents both have a call to make--do we tell Carter that's the other child's toy so he can't play with it, or do we tell the other child to share?

We parents have to quickly read each other's body language and discern who needs to intervene. There is no one right answer, but we parents, not even knowing each other, understand that we have to support the other in the decision made so our kids hear a consistent message.

It's not an easy thing to do, present this unspoken united front as unacquainted parents. It reminds me that Carter's not the only one learning and practicing the unwritten social rules we all live by. As a parent, I have to remember how to initiate contact with another person, come to common understandings, and play nice.

Stopping to Enjoy the Music

This article about the reaction of the public to this violinist playing in the subway struck a cord with me. The article describes a social experiment in which Joshua Bell, a world-renown musician who can fill an auditorium with seats sold for upwards of $100, plays in the subway at rush hour and is barely noticed. It begs the question of what beauty, talent, and precious moments we pass by each moment without realizing the missed opportunity.

I know I get so busy and task-oriented that it’s hard to stop and look around, slow down the pace of the world, take a moment to breathe. I’ve written about this before, but it’s something that takes constant reminding and self-correction for me, especially now with two children to tend to on top of a full-time job. The grocery lists, doctor’s appointments, bills, laundry, dishes, and meals are so visibly before me and begging to be dealt with. My children’s requests and cries keep me on auto-pilot mother-mode where I can pour a glass of milk, change a diaper, and make a plate of chicken nuggets without even being fully conscious.

How do I turn off that auto-pilot function to look around at the scenery, the daily events whose fibers weave together to form my tapestry of memories? On my desk at work sits the above picture of Mark blowing bubbles for Carter, and a perfect bubble hovers above their head, frozen in time. How do I open my eyes and slow down my mind enough to spot that perfectly floating bubble, gone a moment later? I want to not just see, but notice and note in my memory the light in Carter’s eyes every time he learns something new. I want to permanently record in my mind Cameron’s light-hearted, carefree giggle.

You know that little black box that planes have that record everything that happens? How do I get one of those installed so that when my auto-pilot accidentally kicks on, I can refer to the little black box to see and hear what I missed. Simple joy and beauty surrounds me every day. I want to savor every last minute of it.

Cutie Cameron and other miscellaneous photos

I've had some requests for some more Cameron pictures. It's funny because I actually take more pictures of him, but I seem to post more of Carter. So, below are some miscellaneous pictures of the boys, with plenty of Cameron. There's even a rare family photo of us. We're in Idaho Springs in the hot springs pool. Enjoy!

Carter's Birthday

Carter's birthday party on Saturday was a great success. He had lots of fun and loved the attention. Here is a story of his birthday in pictures.

Carter excitedly waited all morning for his friends to come over.

He waited patiently to eat his cake and looked longingly at it many times during the day.

It was a lion cake to go along with the jungle theme. What it lacked in appearance it made up for in home-made deliciousness.

Carter and his friends had fun decorating their favor bags with jungle stamps.

Meanwhile, the babies socialized with each other.
Carter opened lots of presents. He loved the dragon castle with its trap door, treasure, and boulder.

Cameron pretended to be Medusa with some of Carter's snakes.

And the helicopter was great. He loved all the noises it made.

Finally, it was cake time. Carter's eyes lit up when we all started singing. He still likes to sing Happy Birthday to himself a few times a day.


Carter and Mark enjoyed sharing a piece of cake.

It was a great party. Happy third birthday, Carter.

Happy Birthday, Carter

Today is Carter’s third birthday. He has been talking about it for months, and it’s finally here. (Although he still said this morning, “My birthday’s coming!”, not quite understanding that it’s actually today.) This is a big one. It’s the first birthday he’s actually been anticipating and will be celebrating. The past two have really been more about us and our celebration of his life, but this year he gets to take part. He gets to begin to understand that we are celebrating his life and our love for him. Last night felt like Christmas Eve for me, secretly wrapping presents and eagerly anticipating the morning.

This morning I had put some presents of the table, and when Carter saw them, he said with amazement, “Presents?”, as if he wasn’t quite sure if they were for him or whether he could touch them. By 6:30am, he had unwrapped two books, a shape shorter, three race cars, and a race track. Not bad considering the sun hadn’t even come up yet.

As a child, you don’t recognize that celebrating your birthday is as exciting for the parents as it is for you. Now as a mother I realize that this special day is also about celebrating the beginning of our family. The day I became a mother and Mark and I became parents. It’s as much a “mother’s day” as it is Carter’s birthday. I catch myself smiling today for no reason other than the joy of this special day. Happy Birthday, Carter.

Who's Santa?

Carter and I were listening to some Raffi, a children's musician from my childhood, in the car this morning. A song about Santa came on:

Carter: What's that song?
Me: It's about Santa.
Carter: Who's that?
Me: He comes to our house on Christmas.
Carter: Why?
Me: To bring presents.
Carter: He's a good guy, huh.
Me: Yes, but he only brings presents to boys and girls who are good.
Carter (in a hushed voice of wonderment): How come?
Me: Because they have tried hard to do what's right, so Santa wants to give them something special.
Carter: Oh. (Long pause) I'm good, mommy?
Me: I think you usually try to do what you're supposed to.
Carter (with conviction): Yep.

I love this age where Carter is learning, making sense of the world, and trying to understand how he fits into it all. We have a lot of conversations like this, him wanting to know how and why things happen. It is such a reminder that we are born knowing nothing, and that we have learned everything we know. It sounds obvious, but it is easy to take for granted until you spend each and every day with a little boy who is so actively learning about the very fundamentals of his world. He makes me see something through new eyes constantly.

Carter exploring the fountain at Denver Botanic Gardens

Why there is a God

"Where dat come from?"

"Why?"

These are Carter's two favorite questions right now. For everything. For anything I say, he responds with one of these two questions, and as fast as I can answer him, he asks again for the answer I've given. Here's a sample conversation:

"Mommy, what doin'?"
"I'm taking the trash out."
"Why?"
"Because it's full."
"Where dat come from?"
"Well, when we throw lots of things away, it fills up the trash."
"Why?"
"Because things take up space."
"Why?"
"They're made of something called matter. That means they take up space."
"Where dat come from?"

This is where I get stuck. Where does matter come from. And it all started with taking out the trash. I've tried explaining the history of the universe, the big bang theory, the structure of an atom. I've tried cycling through simple answers a two-year-old will understand.

Now I understand the simple answer, "God," that so many people give. No wonder people believe in God. He's that final answer in the end that stops the cycle of questioning. Maybe I'll find my faith after all.

Yellowstone in Pictures

I love the above picture because it is so unstaged and innocent. Last Saturday morning sleep seemed to visit daddy and Cameron at the same time. Cameron kept giggling in his sleep. I wish I had audio to include.

The rest of the pictures below are from our trip to Yellowstone over Labor Day weekend. It was a long drive but worth it. I had never been before, and it was such a great place to take little kids because there were boardwalks everywhere that were stroller-friendly. We saw some amazing geologic formations. I'm also excited about these pictures because I'm learning how to enhance them through iPhoto. Let me know what you think!

Mark and Carter looking in awe at the steam and blue water. Mark was giving Carter a very scientific explanation of it all.

Near Old Faithful. It was such a beautiful day.

Old Faithful going off, right on time. It was a pretty incredible sight.

Carter and Cameron, trading seats in the stroller. Carter has been so lovey towards Cameron. I've loved seeing the two of them together.

The amazing blue water. They say it's often hotter than boiling point because of the immense pressure. Pretty cool.

The Mask of Motherhood

Yesterday I got together with two friends who have kids the same ages as Carter and Cameron. It was the first time all three of us have been together with all of our kids. The conversation started out with the standard, "How is your baby sleeping? How is the older sibling handling it?" etc. But slowly, comments about some of the common mother struggles we're dealing with began to come out. Like, how it can be exhausting to be a mother and wife in the same day. And that our kids actually annoy us sometimes. And that some part of us is actually looking forward to returning to work. But as each of these admissions was made, the confessor would follow it with some comment like, "I must be the worst mother in the world," or, "Isn't that terrible?" rather than assuming that such negative thoughts and feelings are totally normal.

In my experience it seems mothers are expected to love and smile at every aspect of motherhood, and to not like part of it is some sort of failure. We don't openly discuss the moments we don't like; it's only in hushed intimate conversations that we admit such things. Why is that? We easily express our frustrations with work, with in-laws, even with spouses to an extent, but for some reason being a parent is different.

Everyone says that being a mother is the hardest, best job there is. But it has become such a cliche phrase that it's lost its meaning. Becoming a mother is so easy--one passionate night--that the difficulty of successfully raising a child doesn't even fall on the same scale.

I continue to urge myself to be honest and open about motherhood and not put on the smiling supermom mask that disguises when I'm struggling. Expressing my true, unfiltered feelings almost always results in someone else nodding along and sighing in relief that she's not alone, either. In this way stronger bonds are made among mothers and we each feel a little less alone. A little more normal. A little more forgiving of ourselves as mothers.

Cameron's Arrival

Wow. How life can change. I just read my last posting about timing contractions, and can't believe that was only a month ago. After being induced on my scheduled day (April 24), I finally have my beautiful new little boy, Cameron James. He has so quietly and smoothly slipped into our lives that it feels like he has always been a part of our family.

I think we were all bracing for our lives to be turned upside down and inside out with Cameron's arrival. My parents came for four weeks and basically took over running our household (a gift I wish upon anyone deserving; hopefully we were) and then the day they departed, Mark's parents came to take over the duties. The extra help has made life feel doable and manageable and enjoyable. I have been able to really spend some quality time with each of my kids without feeling like the other was being left out; there has always been someone else around to provide the other one with care. I haven't had to worry about life's daily tasks like laundry and vacuuming.

When all the help is gone and it's just Mark and me at home, will we still feel like we can handle this new ratio of 1:1? Or will we wish we had more relatives to call on to take on the daily duties? I'm hoping for the former and fearing the latter. I'm sure we'll have moments of both and will cherish the good time and endure the challenging bits. Only time will tell. For now I'm just going to fully appreciate all of the help and support I have that allows me to really enjoy my new little family.

Below are some pictures of our first days and weeks together. My favorites all tend to be of Carter and Cameron together. They make me feel complete.

Dog Food Fun

Life with a two-year-old is never dull. Just as soon as I think I can take my eye off Carter and maybe take a deep breath or watch a commercial all the way through, he reminds me that’s not really an option. Last night, wallowing in my whale-like state, I was laying on the couch with half an eye on the TV while Carter decided Winston needed some more food. This is a regular duty of Carter’s that I have helped with and supervised many times, so it was nothing out of the ordinary and meant that I wouldn’t have to do it later.

He’d bring each cup of food over to show me before dumping it in Winston’s bowl, proud that he had figured out how to scoop it himself. I could hear he was doing a great job, and I hadn’t heard any pieces fall on the floor. After a few rounds of this, I figured the bowl was probably full enough, so I told him to do his last scoop, and then put it away. He dumped the last cup in, and then I could hear him rustling around with the food in the bowl. He hadn’t solicited my attention for a while, never a good sign, so I jelly-rolled off the couch to see what was up.

There is a heat register on the floor near where we keep the food and water bowls, and Carter had pulled off the cover and dumped the majority of the contents of Winston’s food bowl into the vent tube. He pointed at it and said proudly, “Food in hole!” At first I was terrified, picturing food rolling through miles of HVAC in our house, blowing the smell of dog food through the registers every time the heat kicked on. In my best attempt to not scare Carter, but to let him know the seriousness of the offense, I said through clenched teeth, “Nooooo, Carter. We don’t put food in this hole.” He could see in my face that I was not happy and slowly backed away to show he wouldn’t try it again.

I assessed the damage and realized that luckily the vent tube took a pretty sharp horizontal turn shortly past the opening, so I was able to scoop out most, if not all of the food (and a lot of dust bunnies) without too much trouble. With my back turned to Carter, all I could do was smile and know that this wouldn’t be the last time Carter would find a way to anger, surprise, and tickle me with his creative explorations.

Slow day at work

Today is Friday, a day where there are often not many people in my department here, and I frequently have my office to myself. I had one meeting this morning, and now I only have really long term projects to work on. I'm having a bit of a hard time getting motivated, so I'm taking a quick minute to share some fun pictures with you. I took them with something called Photobooth on my Mac, so the resolution isn't great, but not bad for a computer camera.

This first one is one Carter and I took a few weeks ago. I love how angelic and child-like he looks. I can't believe this beautiful boy is my son.

I finally got around to taking a belly picture today. As you can see, I'm standing in front of my office door, and I was so afraid someone was going to walk by and wonder what I was doing. I'm now a little over 31 weeks along. People keep telling me how small I look, but I certainly don't feel it. I want to tell them to try lugging around the extra 30 pounds I've put on, most of which tries to tip me over all day. And yes, that is a temporary outty belly button you see.

Just a silly picture. This is how Fridays alone in my office makes me feel!

This one is to remind you that I haven't gone completely crazy. I can look normal if need be.
Okay, seriously. I've got to get back to work. No more goofing around. Only one and a half hours left.

Photo review

I have a hard time getting around to downloading pictures from my camera, so I rarely post pictures here. Here are a few from the last couple of months, mainly of Carter, since he's the cutest of the three of us!

Below is Carter and his "cousin" (I don't know how to explain how they're related, other than the other cutie is Addison, Devon's daughter). Devon and her family came to visit a few weeks ago, and Carter got to hang out with another little person. He loved it.

I went to visit my good friend from college, Noelani, and we went to the alligator park with her friend. It was so great to go to warm and sunny Florida in the middle of our snowy Colorado winter.

Carter is almost successfully potty-trained, but we're still working on #2. We often sit for awhile, and he enjoys a good book while he's waiting for things to move along.

Carter got his first opportunity to drive on a Colorado dirt road this winter, but he didn't quite connect the idea of looking at the road and turning the wheel. He sure did love it, though.

Carter has become quite the trooper in the snow and will go just about anywhere with us, as long as we have some chocolate. Below we are taking a break from sledding and skiing to have a little snack.

Here's our sled setup that Mark pulls behind him on skis. If you look closely at Carter's expression, we obviously have not kept the chocolate coming nearly fast enough.

Here's a video of our sledding trip. Not great footage, but it gives you an idea of our outdoor adventures in winter with a two-year-old.

One day Carter and I went to the National Western Stock Show, a big event in Colorado. John Deere had a tractor display, and Carter made sure to try out every one. He loved pretending to drive, and told everyone about the tractors when we got home.

That's all for now. I've had some requests for belly pics, but they just didn't make it on this download. I'll get some up eventually!