Wow, it's been awhile . . .

. . . since I last posted. Work is in full swing and I've had a birthday. Yep, no longer a twenty-something as my profile used to say. Carter has started preschool and Cameron's got all sorts of new tricks. Below are some photos to get us all back up to date. The pictures are in reverse order because of the way I uploaded them. Think of it as going back in time.

My family came to visit for my 30th birthday, and we went on a hike to see the beautiful aspens in the mountains. Carter finally likes smiling for the camera.

The trees were absolutely gorgeous. And not a cloud in the sky.

"Papa" and Carter found every rock they could to jump off of.

For my dad's birthday, Laura and I took him fishing. Laura even caught a fish that we ate for dinner.

Carter had his very own fishing pole, but instead of a hook on the end, he had a rubber worm. He loved it.

Laura and Carter had some good bonding time over rootbeer.

A couple weeks ago we found a new climbing spot with no approach. It was a beautiful day. Here Mark's attempting a 5.11. It was a bit tough.

We went to an end-of-summer festival at a local park and we got to walk around the hot air balloons they were inflating. Carter and Cameron loved how big they were.

At the end of summer we found a great park that had fountains the kids could play in. Cameron was a little tentative, but Carter loved stepping on the spraying water.

Over Labor Day weekend a good friend from high school, Nicole, came to visit. Her whole family came out, and we went on a hike in Evergreen. It sprinkled just a bit, but the weather held out pretty well.

The bike trailer that sits under our deck has become a favorite place for the two boys to play.

Does this picture just make you cringe? Amazingly, no one got konked on the head.

At the end of August we took a family camping trip to a place we'd never been before.

Cameron loved sitting in the big camp chairs.

Carter liked playing in the tent.

Carter's first day of preschool. He wasn't much in the mood for picture-taking. He goes right down the hall from where I work. My favorite part of the day is when his class walks by my class on their way to recess, and Carter peeks his head in to say hi.

Home

(The view of the sunset out our front door)

After a lovely week at the Outer Banks of North Carolina, our family is home and beginning to find the rhythm of regular life again. Although I would love to share our adventures of the trip, I accidentally left my camera in my brother-in-law's car, so I'll save my stories and pictures for another post. For now, a few thoughts on coming home.

I lived on the East coast for a good 12 or so years, if you count my time in Nashville, so I know humidity. But having now lived in Colorado for the past 7, I know it doesn't suit me. Mark and I found ourselves commenting more than once on the way back home how much we were looking forward to returning to our dry Colorado air. And that's when I was reminded how much I really love where I live.

I know that dry air doesn't sound like much to those of you who've never been here during the summer, but it's amazing. It's a cool 65 or so degrees in the morning. And the sky is amazing because it's just so blue. The day slowly heats up and you can begin to shed your morning layers (yes, we wear layers even in summer) as the sun peaks and heats the earth. Swimming is delightful because the water cools your skin so quickly as it evaporates in the dry air.

And then there are the evenings. Bugs are hard to come by, sunsets are always amazing because of the lingering clouds from the frequent afternoon cloud bursts, and the chimenea calls your name as the air cools once again to that temperature that is just chilled enough to make you want to cuddle.

It's these things I looked forward to as our plane headed towards Denver. But not only the weather. Also the sense of home. A place where all our family comes together to be with each other. To find space together and apart. To come and go and pass one another in these familiar rooms and hallways. Where we brush up against each other as we move, as we have a thousand times before.

Familiarity can become mundane at times, but after a trip, it's comforting, like a blanket from your childhood. It makes you appreciate what you have and be thankful that, even after a wonderful trip, you want to come back home.

Weathering the Storm

(Carter and Cameron enjoying lunch on Mimi and Papa's boat)

Wow. It's been awhile. As my last post alluded to, there's a lot going on right now, and much of it I'm still muddling through. But the clouds are beginning to part. I can feel a sense of burden lifted from my shoulders. The waters are calming and it's beginning to feel easier to swim. For one, the kids are getting older. I can sit for almost five minutes on occasion and not have a single demand asked of me. Not often, but enough to make a difference. Another reason, summer's coming. I can open the doors and windows and get some fresh air, have some space, let Carter play outside and entertain himself with the grass and bugs and sandbox. Work is busy as ever, but the end is in sight. Three weeks left. And I've started climbing again and am beginning to be reminded of who I am other than Mom and Wife. I have goals that are just mine and can only be accomplished by me.

It's amazing how feeling in control and happy and content with one part of my life spreads and is contagious with the other parts of me. It's the snowball effect. The best kind of snowball there is. I can feel my infectious smile touching my kids and Mark. As I am more fulfilled, I have more to give, which naturally leads to others giving back. I can feel my life's investments giving great returns.

It's not all smooth sailing. Cameron's teething and Carter just threw a notable I'm-too-tired-to-not-cry-and-scream-and-kick tantrum this afternoon. But I have more within me to get through it and move on. As I sit here in the early evening sunshine and watch Mark and Carter mow the lawn together, my heart is full.

I think I've come out of this last storm without too many lasting bumps and bruises. Hopefully just some great swimming experience to help me get through the next one.

Dissonance

Winter break officially started yesterday afternoon, and I can feel myself in a state of dissonance, too scattered to focus on any one thing for very long. I am anxious for my family to come to town in a day or two and want my house to look festive, clean, and tidy. Not because it's expected but because I am more at ease when I'm not thinking about the unswept kitchen floor.

But my mind keeps wandering back to my last day of work, remembering the few loose ends I wasn't able to take care of and will be waiting when I return in two weeks.

Then there's the planning for these precious days we have off, even more precious because we have possible babysitters, meaning that we could potentially do some of those things that we can't afford to do with a sitter because they're too time consuming. But these activities have to be balanced by the time spent with those visiting. My time with them is precious, too.

But my children always pull me back to the present. Carter needs a cup of milk, a story to be read, a snack to be made. Cameron's ready for a nap, a new toy, to nurse. I am reminded that I can think and plan and worry all I want, but now is now. I need to pace myself and be present, pull my mind away from the past and future, into what's happening around me.

I need to ground myself and find my rhythm, synthesize everything that's in my head into a steady beat that moves me forward, not a cacophony that scatters and spins me.

So I sit here and write in an attempt to quiet my mind, perhaps even empty some of what is in it. Writing calms me and centers me, helps me sort through my thoughts and refocus on priorities. I feel less grinding of my gears already. I am able to think and see more clearly. Deep breath. Let the holidays begin.

Giving Thanks

This thanksgiving we decided to stay home and enjoy being together with just our family. Upon Mark's suggestion, we made all the traditional thanksgiving dishes, knowing that we would be the only ones who would have to suffer if we messed anything up. The dinner actually turned out delicious. We rated it an 8 compared to other grandmas' 10 dinners. Not bad.

Mark took charge of doing the turkey. We used the oven bag but Joy of Cooking's recommendation to "roll" the bird every half hour.
We gave thanks for our wonderful day together. Carter's still getting the idea of the whole holiday. I just love this picture from this afternoon.

Joyful Journey

For my birthday I had requested from Mark to plan a short family trip for us. We don't often pay to stay places, so that would be a treat, and having someone else plan a trip was a gift in itself. Mark enlisted the help of his students and found Joyful Journeys, a delightful hot springs getaway. He booked us to stay in the yurts, something totally new to me. I was excited when we set out this past Thursday, but a little apprehensive just because I had such high expectations for it.

The past three days have been some of the best days we've had as a family. Things went smoothly, and the rhythm just seemed right on. It was just us, so we had no one else's agenda to fit into, and we could do what felt right at the time without external constraints. The weather was absolutely gorgeous, and the kids were in good spirits, likely feeding off Mark's and my concurrent happiness.

We soaked often in the crystal clear, untreated waters, and they even had a pool that was cool enough for Carter. We also went to the Great Sand Dunes National Park, a place I had been before with 60 of my students, so it was a whole different experience with our small group of four. The Alligator Farm, a highly touted attraction in the area was another of our planned day trips. It turned out to be quite an odd place, more like your weird aunt Betty's backyard where she keeps odd animals that happen to come her way.

On our last morning there, I even got to take a two hour yoga class because there happened to be a yoga retreat there for the weekend, and the instructor let me drop in to a class. It was quite different than many other classes I've taken, and refreshing for that reason.

The one downer for the trip was my camera that got dropped in the sand and is not functioning at the moment (hence, the lack of accompanying pictures). Hopefully, some of the links will make up for the visuals.

The past three days far exceeded my expectations. Again, it was less about what we did, and more about how we were able to enjoy our time together as a family. It reminds me that these years with itsy bitsy kids can be trying, but that it doesn't have to be all hard, and that it does get easier. This trip reminded me how very much I really love the little family we have created. I feel so complete. These past few days truly were a joyful journey for all of us.

Yellowstone in Pictures

I love the above picture because it is so unstaged and innocent. Last Saturday morning sleep seemed to visit daddy and Cameron at the same time. Cameron kept giggling in his sleep. I wish I had audio to include.

The rest of the pictures below are from our trip to Yellowstone over Labor Day weekend. It was a long drive but worth it. I had never been before, and it was such a great place to take little kids because there were boardwalks everywhere that were stroller-friendly. We saw some amazing geologic formations. I'm also excited about these pictures because I'm learning how to enhance them through iPhoto. Let me know what you think!

Mark and Carter looking in awe at the steam and blue water. Mark was giving Carter a very scientific explanation of it all.

Near Old Faithful. It was such a beautiful day.

Old Faithful going off, right on time. It was a pretty incredible sight.

Carter and Cameron, trading seats in the stroller. Carter has been so lovey towards Cameron. I've loved seeing the two of them together.

The amazing blue water. They say it's often hotter than boiling point because of the immense pressure. Pretty cool.

Cameron's Arrival

Wow. How life can change. I just read my last posting about timing contractions, and can't believe that was only a month ago. After being induced on my scheduled day (April 24), I finally have my beautiful new little boy, Cameron James. He has so quietly and smoothly slipped into our lives that it feels like he has always been a part of our family.

I think we were all bracing for our lives to be turned upside down and inside out with Cameron's arrival. My parents came for four weeks and basically took over running our household (a gift I wish upon anyone deserving; hopefully we were) and then the day they departed, Mark's parents came to take over the duties. The extra help has made life feel doable and manageable and enjoyable. I have been able to really spend some quality time with each of my kids without feeling like the other was being left out; there has always been someone else around to provide the other one with care. I haven't had to worry about life's daily tasks like laundry and vacuuming.

When all the help is gone and it's just Mark and me at home, will we still feel like we can handle this new ratio of 1:1? Or will we wish we had more relatives to call on to take on the daily duties? I'm hoping for the former and fearing the latter. I'm sure we'll have moments of both and will cherish the good time and endure the challenging bits. Only time will tell. For now I'm just going to fully appreciate all of the help and support I have that allows me to really enjoy my new little family.

Below are some pictures of our first days and weeks together. My favorites all tend to be of Carter and Cameron together. They make me feel complete.

my own little fireworks show

As I was getting ready for bed tonight, I filled up Winston's water bowl and happened to look out the window. Something caught my eye. Our house sits up on a hill, so we can see for quite a few miles, and it happened that somewhere in the area, there was a terrific fireworks display. I had a great, unobstructed view and just stood and watched. There's something so beautiful and indescribable about fireworks. And I got to thinking, that's what it's like to love your own child.

Everyone can tell you how great it is, how you'll be so amazed and changed and humbled, but it's really not something that can be described. People will sometimes ask me to tell them a funny story about what Carter's up to lately, and I try, but I know it never comes close to the actual experience. We recently got Carter a little grocery cart, and he absolutely loves the thing. He'll go around the house gathering up toys, his blanket, a cup of milk, anything, and pushes everything around in his grocery cart. It makes me giggle every time I see it. But, do you see? Telling the story makes it sound like such a non-event, something not even worth mentioning.

Here's another one: Carter likes to stay in the car in the garage after we come home, and he just climbs over the seats and pushes lots of buttons. I make sure to check on him every couple minutes, so tonight when he was playing around and I was peeking in, he accidentally leaned really hard on the horn and totally scared himself. He immediately dropped down into the driver's seat and looked around, trying to figure out what had happened, and seeing whether anyone was coming to tell him he was in trouble. I just stayed still with my head peaked in, and when he finally saw me, he smiled and sighed with relief, saying, "Beep, beep!" Again, a mediocre story, but the love I felt for him at that moment was overwhelming. He has so much curiosity, independence, and just plain-old cuteness that just makes me melt inside.

He's my little impromptu display of fireworks. I never know when he's going to put on a show that's going to leave me in awe and full of love and wonder, but I know the feeling I have will never be justified by description or explanation.

Life is Good

I continue to love my job. I was talking with a friend the other day on the phone who asked what I actually do each day, and I couldn't really tell her. I could name some of the things I do some days, but I really don't have a regular set of things to accomplish each day. That used to be the hard part of my job, but I think that's what I like so much about it. I have embraced its ambiguity and have begun to enjoy the fact that I can define what I do, emphasize the things I do well, and push myself in the areas of less familiarity without feeling like I have outside expectations imposed upon me.

The climate of the school is also unlike anywhere else I have worked. It is one of the most supportive places I've been. I feel like every time I turn around someone is telling me how well I am fitting into my new position, and that their impressed at how I handle certain situations. I think it is less about me and more about how everyone realizes how a little reinforcement makes all the difference in the world. I say this because I hear positive comments all around me about many of the people I work with. As with anywhere, there are of course exceptions. But they're just that--exceptions.

As hard as it is to take Carter to daycare, I really do look forward to going to work each day, and having Carter in a place we are really happy with makes the whole task of balancing work and home that much easier. By no means am I "doing it all" (you should see the inch of dust that has accumulated on the shelves), but in some ways being a working mom is less difficult than I thought. Of course I wish I could have more time with Carter and make more money and have unicorns in our backyard . . . but you can't have everything. I feel like I've got what matters. Life is good.

Out and about

In an effort to feed parts of my starving soul that hadn't been given any sustenance for awhile, I have been trying to get out and get some "culture" in my life. (See What do you want?) It's amazing how easy it's been to find little things here and there that feel so nourishing. During five days off with Carter when Mark was out of town, we went to the Children's Museum, the Butterfly Pavilion, a concert at Hudson Gardens, and some live music in the park. Last weekend the whole family went to Buffalo Bill's Wild West Days and heard the Weary Boys perform. I thought that my appetite would eventually be satiated, but I was wrong. The more I get out and feel a part of the community and dance to live music, the more I want. Mark's gone again this weekend, and I feel a slight bit of desperation in finding something that will help subside this craving. Where's the free outdoor concert? Which museum has a special event I'd like to see?

Part of it may be my lack of a large circle of friends right now. One of my best friends, one who would love to join me in just the sorts of adventures I seek right now, moved back to Pennsylvania. And now that I've just changed jobs for the third time in two years, I'm in the process of building that network of work friends back up again. Being at an outdoor concert sharing the experience of music and dancing and enjoyment helps sustain me right now. And reminds me there are people out there who like to do the same sorts of things I like.

Carter's gotten to an age where he really enjoys going places, too. He just loves new faces and people to whom he can show his new dance moves and tricks. He was enchanted at the Butterfly Pavilion. I get so much joy from just seeing his face light up at new discoveries. He and I have become quite the cultural duo, scouting out local events and sights.

On the other side is Mark who gets anxious about all the people and worries how Carter will fit into the scene. So I am beginning to realize that some of the balance I've been looking for has been in my lap all this time. I just had to recognize it. Now when Mark's out of town or gone with friends doing something fun, I no longer look at it as being stuck at home having to be domestic. It's an opportunity to get out and do something that's not Mark's cup of tea. I finally see the cup as half full. What a world of difference perspective makes.

The weekend in pictures

I know I haven't posted for awhile. Hopefully these pictures will make up for it. I just got a new camera and had fun using it. Here's a photo-sampling of our weekend.

Carter had fun at the park by our house.

Carter and I made blueberry muffins and licked the bowl.


Mark and Carter mowed the lawn. Notice the ear protection.
And the lawn mower seemed to be built with a special bar just at Carter's height!


We went to the Buffalo Bill Wild West days in Golden and heard some great live music.

The Weary Boys.

What do YOU want?

I'm reading the book "Eat Pray Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I'm not very far into it but already love her style of writing and her personal way of connecting to the reader. At one point, when her life is sort of falling apart and she's going through a messy divorce, she begins to appreciate the little "compartments of time and space that were appearing in [her] days, during which [she] could ask [her]self the radical new question: 'What do YOU want to do, Liz?'" She starts out with little things like going to yoga class and buying a new pencil box, but she also ends up living in Italy, obviously a pretty major thing she wants to do.

This little snippet out of the book struck me and has me asking myself the same question. I think I do a pretty good job of not letting time just slip away from me doing chores and errands. We get out and do things quite often. But having a husband and kid make it so easy to want to do what will make everyone happy, what will work best for the group. And that's fine. But I think I need to do a better job about getting those little things I want. Like reading a good book or going to hear some good live music. Things that don't work well for everyone. Things I really have to make an effort to do. And world travel. That's a tough one to get in right now.

On the other side, though, asking myself that question reinforces just how much I already have what I want. I have a family that I love more than the world itself, I have a job that I (hope to) love, and breaks that allow me to spend time with my family and travel locally. I live in a place where I can do the things I love like camp and hike and climb. I don't have any major conflict in my life and have a very strong, wide-spread support network of people that can support me when things go south. So I think life is good. I have most of what I want. I feel full of what I need.

The little things in life

This weekend Mark was out of town, so it was Carter and I on our own. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but it was supposed to be beautiful weather and I was in a good mood, so I was determined to have fun. And I did. This weekend was not about conquering any major life goals or having major adventures to tell about. It was about enjoying the little things in life. Saturday morning, I put on Raffi (a kid's CD that I listened to when I was little, so I knew all the words) and made cookies. I sang at the top of my lungs, and Carter did his best to follow along. We danced and jumped and twirled in the living room. Between the singing and the dancing, we made and ate chocolate chip cookie dough. You would have thought we won the lottery at 6:30am this Saturday. We were the two happiest souls in that living room. Here's a picture of Carter getting his first taste of cookie dough.

We also had lots of people over to eat, something I enjoy doing when I have the time to prepare and have a clean house. We had "the grandmas" over for lunch on Saturday, and we had a lovely time eating out on the deck. It made me proud to be able to have them over in my house on the deck Mark built with the little boy I'm raising. One of my best friends, Amy, also came over for one of the last times because she is moving to PA. Carter even gave us the gift of taking a two hour nap so she and I could have some time to talk. Lastly, we had our friends Dave and Kelly over tonight for dinner, and they have a new baby. After dinner I had a chance to hold Wyatt, and as soon as he was in my arms, Carter broke down. I've never seen him show jealousy before, but it was as clear as if he said it. It made me wonder what it will be like to eventually have a second kid. Not easy, I'm thinking.

Since Amy finally showed me how to post pictures, I have a few other precious ones to share with you. They show some of those little things in life not to take for granted. Mark may not approve of one (I'm sure you can guess which) but it's just too cute to keep to myself.

This is Mark teaching Carter just how fun sitting on the toilet can be if you've got something good to read.


Mark and Carter fiddling with the grill.