Friday, October 31, 2008

Who's Santa?

Carter and I were listening to some Raffi, a children's musician from my childhood, in the car this morning. A song about Santa came on:

Carter: What's that song?
Me: It's about Santa.
Carter: Who's that?
Me: He comes to our house on Christmas.
Carter: Why?
Me: To bring presents.
Carter: He's a good guy, huh.
Me: Yes, but he only brings presents to boys and girls who are good.
Carter (in a hushed voice of wonderment): How come?
Me: Because they have tried hard to do what's right, so Santa wants to give them something special.
Carter: Oh. (Long pause) I'm good, mommy?
Me: I think you usually try to do what you're supposed to.
Carter (with conviction): Yep.

I love this age where Carter is learning, making sense of the world, and trying to understand how he fits into it all. We have a lot of conversations like this, him wanting to know how and why things happen. It is such a reminder that we are born knowing nothing, and that we have learned everything we know. It sounds obvious, but it is easy to take for granted until you spend each and every day with a little boy who is so actively learning about the very fundamentals of his world. He makes me see something through new eyes constantly.

Carter exploring the fountain at Denver Botanic Gardens

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Your gut

We have been struggling with the childcare issues for six months now. The week before Cameron was born, our daycare lady, whom we love, told us she was going to start searching for a nursing position and would stop doing daycare as soon as she found a new job. I spent the four months of maternity leave and summer searching for the right person. I didn't have certain criteria or unreasonably high expectations. Just someone that would care for our children and give them the love we could not while we were working. A place that would stimulate them and support their needs.

We finally found a woman we'll call "Julie" a couple weeks into August and started with her by the end of September. The first day I dropped off the kids at her house, I was a bit anxious and just kept telling myself that I was having a hard time with the transition. As days went on, when people would ask how things were going with Julie, I would tell them everything was fine, but we don't love her like we did the last person. I found myself questioning what Julie was telling me about the kids and wondering if there was more she wasn't saying. Mark and I both didn't have a great feeling but couldn't put our finger on why.

Two weeks into it, Carter made some comments that, along with other things we knew, basically indicated that Cameron had been taken to another person's house while Carter had gone somewhere with Julie. Yes, he's only two years old, but all the details fit together and it seemed plausible that had actually happened. Between our icky gut feelings and this new piece of information, Mark and I felt like we couldn't stay another day with Julie.

We told her we wouldn't be returning and headed back to the drawing board to start another search for childcare. I was discouraged and disheartened, wondering if we would ever find someone else.

Within three days we interviewed someone we liked. She was right around the corner from my school and had a great setup. Today is day four with her, and the kids seem happy. I have no reservations in the mornings about dropping them off and don't wonder whether there's something she's not telling me. I can breathe easy.

Other than the final bit of information Carter gave us about Julie, we didn't really have a concrete reason to leave. Something just wasn't right. We wondered whether it was right to leave her with no "good" reason, but then realized that following our instincts really is the best reason of all.

Our current person doesn't do anything notably different than Julie or have incredibly better qualifications. There's just that sense we have that our kids are happy. They're well-cared for and loved while we aren't there.

Putting my own kids in daycare is one of the hardest things I've done, and finding the right person makes it or breaks it. It is such a leap of faith to leave them with someone and know it is the best thing for them. But now my head is clear. I think we've found our provider.

This interview is what got me thinking about just how important our gut feelings are.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Joyful Journey

For my birthday I had requested from Mark to plan a short family trip for us. We don't often pay to stay places, so that would be a treat, and having someone else plan a trip was a gift in itself. Mark enlisted the help of his students and found Joyful Journeys, a delightful hot springs getaway. He booked us to stay in the yurts, something totally new to me. I was excited when we set out this past Thursday, but a little apprehensive just because I had such high expectations for it.

The past three days have been some of the best days we've had as a family. Things went smoothly, and the rhythm just seemed right on. It was just us, so we had no one else's agenda to fit into, and we could do what felt right at the time without external constraints. The weather was absolutely gorgeous, and the kids were in good spirits, likely feeding off Mark's and my concurrent happiness.

We soaked often in the crystal clear, untreated waters, and they even had a pool that was cool enough for Carter. We also went to the Great Sand Dunes National Park, a place I had been before with 60 of my students, so it was a whole different experience with our small group of four. The Alligator Farm, a highly touted attraction in the area was another of our planned day trips. It turned out to be quite an odd place, more like your weird aunt Betty's backyard where she keeps odd animals that happen to come her way.

On our last morning there, I even got to take a two hour yoga class because there happened to be a yoga retreat there for the weekend, and the instructor let me drop in to a class. It was quite different than many other classes I've taken, and refreshing for that reason.

The one downer for the trip was my camera that got dropped in the sand and is not functioning at the moment (hence, the lack of accompanying pictures). Hopefully, some of the links will make up for the visuals.

The past three days far exceeded my expectations. Again, it was less about what we did, and more about how we were able to enjoy our time together as a family. It reminds me that these years with itsy bitsy kids can be trying, but that it doesn't have to be all hard, and that it does get easier. This trip reminded me how very much I really love the little family we have created. I feel so complete. These past few days truly were a joyful journey for all of us.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Bliss

I have been on fall break for almost a week now, and I've gotten lots done and had gobs of quality time with the kids. However, Mark was out of town this weekend, worked this week, and has been gone a few of the past nights, so I've been doing the parent thing largely on my own.

Wednesday night after Mark had been out climbing and called to see if he could go to dinner with his friend, he asked, "By the way, how are things going there?"

I responded with a sigh, "Well, you know, it's day five of me and the kids." In the back of my mind I knew I still had the rest of the week days on my own, and then again this weekend when Mark will be in charge of entertaining his friend who's coming in to town.

Without hesitation, Mark suggested he take Thursday off from work so I could go do what I wanted. He said I could come and go and do what I needed to feel like I was getting a break. I jumped at the opportunity.

I didn't do anything spectacular, a couple hours shopping with birthday money and a great new yoga class I found. We had to go to grandma's to install a disposal, plans that had already been made, so I was mom again for a few hours.

But it was such a rejuvenating day. It was freedom I hadn't felt in such a long time. It was less about what I did and more about the fact that Mark took away much of the guilt I often have when I leave everyone. I had no reason to feel like I was missing out on precious kid time because I had already had several days and knew I had another week and a half with them. And Mark wasn't having to give up on something fun in order for me to leave. Just a day of work. But most of all, Mark suggesting my leaving and therefore made me feel like I had his "blessing" to go.

It's amazing the difference the mental part plays in my feeling "released" and therefore more refreshed. The day was less about what I did and more about my ability to really enjoy my time alone.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

F...aaaaaahhhhhh.....ll Break

Aaahhhhh.......that is the big sigh of relief and release I am letting out now that I am officially on fall break. Two weeks of no early morning meetings or rushing to daycare or packing a lunch or wishing I had more time in the day to wear all the hats I sport in a day.

This week Mark is still working, so I have the gift of time to catch up on life and feel like I am on top of it (or at least sort of keeping up). I have to keep reminding myself that I don't have to get everything done in a day. Today we focused on a few key errands and rotating toys from upstairs and downstairs. Already Carter is more interested in the play area with toys that have not been enjoyed for a few months.

Today was cold and rainy, so much so that I finally broke down and turned on the heat for the season. It wasn't exactly the beautiful crisp, fall day that I was hoping for to begin fall break, I decided to make the best of it, so I rented a movie and even got to watch it.

I'd like to make it to the zoo one day this week and check some more things off my to-do list, but I'm trying to stay open so that, even with two kids in tow, I can still feel a bit spontaneous and see what I'm in the mood for as the days come. This fall break is all about attitude, and so far I've gotten off on the right foot.

The second week of fall break Mark is off too, so those days will have a totally different rhythm to them. We've got plans for many of the days already, including a few days away with the family, a trip I got for my birthday and am very excited about.

Oh, and for those of you who were involved in the daily drama of daycare the past few weeks, we have left the last "new" person due to all sorts of fishy things, but mainly just a bad gut feeling. And we've already found someone new! We did one day with her last week that went great, so that's a huge load off my mind that will help me enjoy these next two weeks that much more.

Right now I'm drinking a glass of wine on the couch while both boys sleep soundly. Cheers to this much-needed time off.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

serenity

I have been working on ways to get a little me time every once in awhile, and one of the most rejuvenating things for me is a hike in the woods. Above is a picture of a gorgeous afternoon where I got out by myself (with Winston) and could just walk and think and breathe. The sunlight was streaming through the trees and some of the aspens were just starting to turn. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day.

I am living more and more by the mantra that I can't be a good mom unless I am good to myself, too. These weekend afternoons are the boost I need to not only get through but enjoy this stage of life with my kids. Look how sweet they are!